The days are so fast, are they not?

I often fantasize about returning to blogging...only blogging.  That invisible net space where I met so many of my friends in my twenties.  But who will read?  Where has the community gone?

And the lame-ness of writing about writing.  I mean, really, Amy.  Do you come here once every 6 months or so to yammer on about how there isn't any old internet anymore?  Yes, I suppose I do.

What else is there to write about?  I'd write about the brilliance of my now three year old girl, but the world is a scary place now where people are concerned for the safety of anyone merely seeing a picture of their child's face.  I could write about how messy I am, and how I'm constantly frustrated.  But would that bring out more frustration?  Be therapeutic?  Scare everyone away?

Ha.  "Everyone".

I used to have some sort of stalker on this blog who would post occasionally rude comments.  Now there is a tumbleweed blowing by in the digital wind, if I'm to be hopeful. No one loves a stalker, but I would love if the bland sameness of the woke-invoke void that is current social media could just leave us alone.  Us old timers...we who wrote long paragraphs and uploaded photos from digital cameras (or even scanned them in!) to our blogs.  Eh, no one wants to hear about that.

I'm depressed.  The creeping inability I've developed bites at my heels constantly.  It's silent...and everywhere, and easy to ignore when things are good.  Why can't I get anything done?

Why is my focus so terrible?  I cannot complete projects. I get so distracted that it's comical.  But no one is laughing.  I am a massive failure to many people I am sure...with a history of some losers in my life who like to tell me this.  And Satan...yeah that guy.  You know what he likes to say.

but here i am.
send me?

Cozy Net Spaces

 Do you remember the old internet? 

Maybe you were just a child, or a teen like I was...or a middle aged person surfing through sites about your favorite hobby and reading the blogs and personal websites of others who shared your interests.  It was a wonderful time, being able to meet those from around the world who felt "like home", emailing new friends, signing guestbooks, and maybe finding your way into your first chat room.  

My, how far we've fallen from that heaven.  
What's your internet experience like, now?  Do you feel like some unseen entity is somehow able to reach through your screen, farming the rage welling up in your heart when you read the endless supply of upsetting things?  Does it feel like you are dodging a minefield of offensive and inflammatory posts from
acquaintances, ads from companies you don't want to see, and being beaten over the head by 168 messages per minute?  Where is the peace?  Isn't the online world supposed to be fun?

And going down that road...what happened to "the online world"? Remember when "getting online" was dialing into your modem (Wow, can you remember the exact order of those beeps and boops?  I can!  Let the nostalgia roll!)  Once you were in, checking your email with anticipation, and surfing to your favorite websites to see if any content was updated?  Webrings connected your favorite personal websites, and maybe you liked to read Yahoo! News find out about the wider world from AOL.  Those things were FUN!  And if they weren't, you just surfed away to a different site.  The online world was connected, yet distinctly different in each landing space.  I don't know if kids now even have a concept of "the internet" as a place to visit...because their world mainly exists in apps and social media networks.  

This Millennial is longing...craving for a simpler time.  I am always on a low-key search for a curated web expirience where I can escape the chaos of bill paying, toddler watching, and worrying about work...back to a peaceful garden of internet surfing.  Does such a place exist?  I feel it must exist, but it's hidden...it certainly won't be advertised on Google or Facebook or any such place of digital pandemonium.  But surely some small kind space is out there, tucked away in a huge internet world which is increasingly vanilla and streamlined.  

If you know of such a gem, please do share <3

Blest

 Sometimes I just rock her to sleep...my sweet little 22 month old who still flutter sucks on a a paci -

In my arms, she is so so so beautiful.  I can't stop staring.  She's just so perfect.  It's so weird how I wasn't all that connected to her right after her birth and I worried about it.  But as time has gone on, I've fallen more and more in love with her.  I am so supremely blessed. 

Mom rocking Charlotte

 I have the sweetest mama, who drives an hour from Fort Worth to Dallas to watch Charlotte on days when I have to teach group exercise classes or voice lessons.  I could take her to childwatch at the gym, but she comes over anyway because she loves Charlotte so much.  It makes me so happy to see them enjoying each other.  I loved her mama (my grandma) and had so many warm memories of spending time with her.  I'm so glad that Charlotte will have those memories in her little developing brain and know that she is so very loved by those around her.

One of my mom's favorite things to do is to rock Charlotte to sleep and then hold her throughout her nap, often falling asleep, herself.  It's so sweet...I can't help but taking pics of it.  

She'd probably kill me if she knew! Shhh...don't tell her! 

 Whew what a long day.

I just can't seem to catch my feet on the ground long enough to get a running start.  
I had normal church performance this morning, then choral evensong tonight.  We did the Mendelssohn Magnificat and Nunc Dimmitis but we didn't get enough rehearsal time on it.  I was really stressed out but it turned out okay.  I didn't get to see Charlotte very much today because the only time I was home this afternoon was during her nap.  

I really need some relaxing time, but I feel so overwhelmed with all I need to do.  
Clutter is killing me right now.  You have a normal amount of clutter, then you have a baby and it blows up times 100.  

Anyone know any decluttering apps or inspiration?  I need help.

A glimpse of the divine

I shy away from the hokey, teary mom stuff usually.  But sometimes when I am rocking my 14 month old baby girl to sleep...her face looks so peaceful that it reminds me that there is a world beyond this one.  A world where goodness and virtue grow like flowers in a garden, and only the purest souls can dwell there.  

Babies seem "straight from heaven".  They capture the innocent and goodness that was lost in the world.  They are so unscorched by the harsh rays of this world's unending pelting of bad news, war, sarcasm, and idiocy.  They just...exist in the moment.  No wonder our souls are touched by babies and often moved to tears.  

I love my baby girl.  She is heaven on earth, too me.  Even on the nights where she screams her head off half the night...I wouldn't send her away for anything. 

Breeze

It's a weird feeling...I went for something that I never would have gone for, because people told me I'd be great at it...and then I failed.  

Like...why tell me that?  I dunno.  Maybe people are happier with me in their heads than in reality?  Maybe I'm better on paper?  

On a happier note, I got to sing and dance a little bit on Monday after having some bad news, and I was able to stuff it down and do a good job. 

List of projects that need to be done

 Current project list:

boy baby romper for a friend
finish Charlotte's smocked dress
backyard crop cages (to save my garden from evil squirrels)
clean up/repair garden boxes
purge/organize garage
Replace swing pad
Chartlotte's bow and headband holder
Massive clothes purge

Not as overwhelming when all written down.

LENT!

Long time no post! 
I'm not sure why it's so hard for me mentally to write in this blog, but I am here again with a renewed effort to do so.  I thought maybe I would make it part of my Lenten discipline, but just to warn you: I'm not super good at that, either.  

I did used to do these lists on my Xanga blog and they would help me, sometimes.  

I am giving up: Kate Quinn.
Y'all...I know that sounds kinda dumb.  But I am a complete Kate Quinn addict (they make and sell amazing baby and mama clothes).  Their business model is one that keeps you checking the site constantly for price drops...like for example, a $49 quilt will go on sale for $6 and if you happen to get their first, you score the quilt.  It is very successful for them, but bad for me.  I love their clothes...they are amazing quality and made out of bamboo or organic cotton type materials.  But I spend wayyyyy too much of my time on that (not to mention money).  So I'm not going to be doing any KQ stuff till after Easter.  Hopefully I can curb my habit. 

I am taking on: cleaning my house.
This is my biggest sense of shame that I have.  I. am. so. messy.
I'm not talking about those people who say "Oh my house is so messy!" and all they have is like, some groceries on the counter.  I mean it is full on, every surface cluttered, things in the way...MESSY.  I could blame having a baby for this, and I will.  I am not trying to put myself on blast, here.  I live in mental SHAME over this and it affects how I think about my whole life.  I know it affects my husband too, and I owe it to him to get this stuff cleaned up.

But when I say that having a baby is to blame, that is on top of me already being a messy person.  I am super creative: I always have 5 or 6 projects underway or in the works, so I can't just put everything away and be done with it.  I don't have a sewing room, or a project room since we made our nursery, so it's not like I can put all my stuff in one area.  I am writing this from my dining table...my laptop is in the middle of a sewing machine, pattern peices, smocking, embroidery floss, half cut out patterns, elastic, a breast pump, the baby monitor, bubble juice, headphones, baby toys...you get the picture. It's overwhelming me, and it's hard to see progress.  So I am going to force myself to blog what I tackle everyday so it doesn't get lost.  

I also want to stay humble and not just present the fake/best/beautiful side of my life, so bear with me.  I might post pictures...MAYBE.  But again, I am not going to put myself on blast, because I am already deeply ashamed of my housekeeping skills.  Just ask my mother-in-law about them ;)

So while the baby is taking a nap and my coffee energy hasn't yet worn off, I am doing laundry.  That's a start.  

Blessed Karl's Relic

 Today we visited Mater Dei Latin Mass Parish, and we saw the relics of Blessed Karl of Austria.  Our baby Charlotte is named after him. 

Charlotte wore a watermelon dress that I made her before she was born. 

On the way home there was a massive storm with really heavy rain...flash flooding, and all that rot.  
I had the BEST nap I have had in ages, and it pushed my sleep on my Fitbit to "GOOD"...y'all, my sleep has not been "GOOD" since April 9th, 2022.  I went back and looked.  I feel like I won an Olympic sleep event.  

Thinking about Christening dresses

 Just what is a "Christening" dress...vs. baptism dress...and why do we use two different terms? 
I learned something about that recently because I've been low-key obsessed with Charlotte's baptism coming up on October 1st.  We've had to move the date several times to accommodate family, which is understandable. I had a moment of desperation back soon after she was born, thinking I wasn't going to have a dress to baptize her in.  I'd been told there was a family one that Hunter wore at his baptism, but all the sudden no one knew who had it, and I panicked.  I bought a really beautiful Victorian gown on Etsy for about $30.  It is unique but not quite what I had in mind, plus I'm not sure if it will fit her anymore. 

 

So that's an option, but the problem there is that with the age/style of the lace, I don't have 1. a slip and 2. a bonnet to match it, which might be difficult to do. Either way, I'm going to have to make something.

Which started me thinking that if I'm going to have to make someone, I might as well make her dress and ensemble.  It would at least be handmade and special in that regard, even if not a family heirloom (yet?).  I don't want to have to share her dress with distant cousins and maybe never see it again.  I thought about cutting up my wedding veil for part of the lace, but now I'm not sure.  

I was going to go to our garment district here in Dallas to see what kind of satin/silk they have, in view of making a dress.  I discovered the biggest and most famous fabric store is closed!!  I am so shocked.  The place got hit by a tornado back before Covid, and I am sure all these little warehouse stores struggled to survive.  I'm scared to go there with a baby because it's kind of a sketchy part of town.  I had my mom here yesterday to watch her, but I got sick and crashed hard and slept most of the afternoon.  I'm feeling slightly better today, but I'm staying home anyway.  

Sometimes I feel trapped by my own willpower and having a baby to take with me...it's hard to leave the house because of the massive effort it takes to go places.  I guess that's okay, but there are things I want to do.  I'm so glad that I have help! 

Back to the original question and title of the post: 

Baptism is the sacrament that takes place in the dress...the main point of the ceremony.  As Catholics, we believe that it resolves and wipes away Original Sin.

Christening is an Anglican-ish thing...which is the actual naming of the child.  The priest ask the father to "Name this child", and the child is officially named.  That is why you might hear someone refer to their "Christian name" which is their first name, as opposed to their surname.  Pretty cool and very English. 

Feelin' good on a Sunday Morning

 There is a magical window of time when the coffee kicks in...if the baby is sleeping at just the right window, and I get a little bit of time to just sit and vibe out with the caffeine high.  It is amazing.

Hunter is back to work now, after having had all summer with him to just play and enjoy the baby.  She is 12 weeks old now, and just perfect.  Seriously...she is a perfect baby.  I know most people think that, but my girl really is.  She slept for 6 hours in a row last night and I only woke her up because I heard evidence that she needed a diaper change and didn't want her to sit in poop all night.  She eats and goes right back to sleep in her bassinet.  Perfection.  

I have her birth story halfway typed up but I haven't posted it yet.  I still have this weird thing with posting pregnancy stuff...I'm sure it's from so many losses.  I hesitate to write it down.  But this is a GOOD birth story and needs to be heard!  I will finish it soon, I hope.  Now that I'm going to be a stay at home Mom, I will have more free time (in theory!).  I just need to use my time wisely.  There is a lot of clutter in my house that needs to go away, but I'd rather relax and just stare at the baby.  She's currently asleep next to me on a pillow.  

Here are some current pics of my marshmallow baby:

The Texas Church performs Hamilton saga

I posted this to my Facebook account with fear and trepidation for negative feedback I might receive.  I tried to be as non-controversial as possible:

I've been watching the "Texas church illegally performs Hamilton with an anti-LGBTQ message" thing unfold over the last few days, biting my nails the whole time. I have a few things to say and I'll probably wish I hadn't.

 
1. If your church is going to perform a musical, make it The Music Man, Oklahoma, My Fair Lady...or some other vanilla, non-confrontational thing that everyone loves and all the little old ladies would love to come to. This is actually a cool thing for churches to do.

2. If your church is going to branch out and try to get attention with a piece of hot theatre, take the time to use Google and see if it is available from any of the publishing houses that own the rights.

3. If said piece is not available, maybe stick with one that is. It will save you tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees in the long run.

4. If you still want to do the show illegally, do NOT livestream it to Youtube.

5. Remember why you chose the show. If you need to change dialog to make it fit the message you want to send, then it isn't the right show. Maybe you could write your own show or parody, which is totally legal. Having a character "get saved" as part of the show is really cringey, in my opinion.

 
6. If you are going to touch on hot button topics...don't do a show illegally and stream it to Youtube to do so.

 
And if you STILL insist on doing all this illegal stuff but don't want court and legal fees, and a fine, and the wrath of the ENTIRE theatre community on you:

 
7. Don't pick Hamilton.

 Baby :) 

30 Week Update

 Hey blog! Long time, no update!

One weird thing about losing babies in the past is that it's taken away all of my desire to document my pregnancy and milestones.  Sorry about that!  I wish it wasn't so, but alas!

I am now 30 weeks pregnant!  I am huge.  Seriously, being this big is kind of *triggering*, if I dare to use such an annoyingly overused term.  I've fought my weight my whole life and now here it is, loud and proud.  I get that it's for a reason and that I can lose it later, but still.  It's very odd.  I bump into things and my back pretty much constantly hurts.  I find it frustrating to not be able to do things.  I realize how proud I am of my athletic ability because I now can't keep up.  So weird.

Because of my "geriatric" status, I'm going to have to start going in twice a week for Non-Stress Tests and an ultrasound every week (starting at 32 weeks).  And the doctor yesterday suggested that we might want to induce at 39 weeks just because of statistics and health of the baby.  Now, I've heard inductions take a long time, and that labor contractions are much more painful with inductions because of the Pitocin.  But I am not opposed to having all the good drugs with my labor.  

My momma was in labor for 3 hours with me, total.  She was a Lamaze instructor and totally believes that it's intensity, not pain, and that it's manageable without meds.  My whole life she's told me this.  But just the little slice of that type of pain that I've experienced through fertility treatments - I'm looking at you, HSG and hysteroscopy...shoving things into a tightly closed organ that does not want to be messed with - that kind of pain is incredibly intense.  I am fine with ALL the good drugs.  My hospital offers nitrous oxide for labor as well as the normal epidurals and things, and I think it's a good strategy to plan at this point.  

I just get so scared with the "risk of stillbirth" thrown around.  Please pray for my precious baby Charlotte and that her entrance into the world is grand and positive.  We've waited for her such a long time. 

2nd Trimester Update

 That 2nd Trimester ahhhh...

I barely remember the first trimester, apart from being sick and worried and eating a ton.  I felt sick if I didn't eat, so I ...just ate.  And kept eating.  And gained weight, but now my weight gain has slowed way down.  Pretty cool, huh?

Anyway, I am 21 weeks pregnant and loving it.  I feel so much better now, besides being tired and needing lots of naps.  I'm still teaching at the gym 3 times per week (BODYPUMP and Pilates/Barre fusion).  I can't do as much with core but I'm still trying to keep in great shape and keep the workouts going!  

Clomid is my friend

 Hey again -

Update from last time.  Clomid worked (again...at the higher dosage with the neurological side effects).  I'm 17 weeks and 5 days pregnant.  Crazy miraculous stuff.

Emotionally, blogging or telling people has been like walking in quicksand.  It's the drag of all the previous losses pulling me down, sucking away my potential joy.  It's tough to be happy when you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Terrible attitude to have for a momma!  But here we are.  

I'm thinking about all the New Years resolutions I should make.  Really I should stop looking at Facebook completely, except I use it for Mary Kay now.  I just find myself flooded with anger so constantly.  

There is a family thing which has gone completely and utterly beyond the pail of causing anger.  It causes rage.  It's basically like...relationship ending stuff.  Have you ever had that...sorta of..."how do I move on from this" thing happen based on someone else's choices that affect you and will continue to affect you forever?  I wish blogging was anonymous like it used to be in the good old days of Xanga, so I could totally write out the facts of what happened.  Heh.  Then I know I'd get lots of "you should feel this way: XYZ".  

Please don't ever tell someone how they should feel.  It's so tone deaf.

As we drag into the 3rd year of this "pandemic", I hope everyone learning to question the government and think for yourselves.  It will serve you well in the future. 

Clomid is not my friend

Clomid and I have parted ways.

It was the first med my first doctor put me on, way back in 2018 when I started trying to get pregnant with the help of meds.  I was on the lowest dose and it just gave me hormonal side effects.  Also didn't get pregnant.  

Fast forward to now.  My last pregnancy, in April, I took Clomid at a high dose for 2 days.  It was supposed to be 5 days, layered with FSH, but I started having visual hallucinations (seeing trails on everything) right when I woke up.  I stopped it immediately and got pregnant that cycle.

We tried it again this cycle and after the first day I got tinnitus in my right ear.  I stopped after one day and just did FSH shots for 4 more days.  I went back in yesterday for a follicle scan and I needed a boost, so we did two days of letrozole.  

The grand science fair project that is my fertility. 

Jenny

I won't write about me, here.
Or how I lost my 5th baby at 8 weeks.  I will, though...don't worry.  It's been a month now, and it's too painful to put words on the screen about it. 

We've had another loss come to us, and this time it's a friend.  Her name was Jenny.
I have so many words swimming around in my head that I need to get out.  One blog post won't do it justice.  I've been drowning my sorrows in old VHS tapes...us in high school.  Us in Italy.  Us on stage together.  Us singing.  

I wasn't a big part of her life.  But she was a big part of mine.  She stood for something to me...something I could never be or have.  She was like an ideal.  Like an angel to me.  That sounds weird, but it's really not.  You looked up to someone in high school, too, I bet.  Jenny was so engrained in everything for those three formative years that it still haunts me to think about it.  She was sunshine...pure sunshine.  You can tell from the videos of her.  Her hair even looked like sunshine.  Pure and bright and golden.

And there was me - dark, brooding, quiet.  Sour looking.  So serious all the time.  I was shocked at how unhappy I looked in the videos today.  I knew I felt a deep emptiness inside me, but I didn't know I projected it so much.  I have a lot of soul searching that I want to do.  

But anyway...it's about her.  I miss her, even though we haven't talked for several years.  She was a bright light in everything.  

5 weeks, 5 days pregnant

Hello my friends,

Just an update.  I am pregnant 😀😀😀! I've known for two weeks now.  I've had four HCG betas and the numbers are rising.  The next step is a first ultrasound which is today.  Ordinary pregnant people don't get them this early, but I am special.  

Of course, I am nervous out of my skin about this ultrasound.  The only other time any of my pregnancies has gotten to the ultrasound stage, we went in wanting to see the baby only to be devastated to learn that it was a blighted ovum (it took 3 ultrasounds and 3 weeks to finalize this diagnosis).  Devastating.  Of course, every pregnancy is a new event and my symptoms are stronger this time than ever.  This pregnancy has already gone longer than two of mine, so we are hopeful. 

Please pray for us.  The appointment is at 1:30 Central Time, today.  I really hope we get to leave with a beautiful picture of our tiny little miracle.  In any case, we throw ourselves upon the mercy of God and his care.