Stage kissing

I don't know why this makes me so angry, so obviously the only thing to do is explore it publicly.

"Stage kissing"...is not real. Unless it's backed by some other romantic relationship. I can be done with great respect and professionalism. Alternately, it can be done with immaturity and disrespect. If one is married to a professional actor, it seems like it's a subject that should be broached early on, right?
I continue to marvel, probably ten years on, into the land of online people I see cheering male actors who have made a public spectacle out of not kissing anyone (on camera) who isn't actually married to them. I do not mean to offend these people if you are one of them. But as someone who has probably kissed...hmmm, maybe 15-20 men on stage at some point in my life and had unchaste romantic sexual relationships with zero of them, I don't get it. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but when I see some man going on about how he will not kiss anyone who is not his wife, I don't see a hero. I see an actor who either 1. Has to create some sort of persona to gain attention, or 2. Someone who isn't really an actor, or 3. Someone with a very insecure/controlling wife.

 
Granted, I stepped back my theatre and film ventures when I got married, so I haven't had the experience of being married while playing a romantic lead. But I DID have the experience of being in dating relationships while in said shows, and also kissing men onstage who were married to women who also were not me. I can think of only one episode of jealousy, and it was because the lad couldn't handle it like he thought he could. But did I "cheat" with or on anyone? No.

Relationships are the most important thing. So if you can't be loyal to your spouse, don't be an actor. And if you can't handle acting stuff, don't marry an actor. There, I said it.

 The days are so fast, are they not?

I often fantasize about returning to blogging...only blogging.  That invisible net space where I met so many of my friends in my twenties.  But who will read?  Where has the community gone?

And the lame-ness of writing about writing.  I mean, really, Amy.  Do you come here once every 6 months or so to yammer on about how there isn't any old internet anymore?  Yes, I suppose I do.

What else is there to write about?  I'd write about the brilliance of my now three year old girl, but the world is a scary place now where people are concerned for the safety of anyone merely seeing a picture of their child's face.  I could write about how messy I am, and how I'm constantly frustrated.  But would that bring out more frustration?  Be therapeutic?  Scare everyone away?

Ha.  "Everyone".

I used to have some sort of stalker on this blog who would post occasionally rude comments.  Now there is a tumbleweed blowing by in the digital wind, if I'm to be hopeful. No one loves a stalker, but I would love if the bland sameness of the woke-invoke void that is current social media could just leave us alone.  Us old timers...we who wrote long paragraphs and uploaded photos from digital cameras (or even scanned them in!) to our blogs.  Eh, no one wants to hear about that.

I'm depressed.  The creeping inability I've developed bites at my heels constantly.  It's silent...and everywhere, and easy to ignore when things are good.  Why can't I get anything done?

Why is my focus so terrible?  I cannot complete projects. I get so distracted that it's comical.  But no one is laughing.  I am a massive failure to many people I am sure...with a history of some losers in my life who like to tell me this.  And Satan...yeah that guy.  You know what he likes to say.

but here i am.
send me?

Cozy Net Spaces

 Do you remember the old internet? 

Maybe you were just a child, or a teen like I was...or a middle aged person surfing through sites about your favorite hobby and reading the blogs and personal websites of others who shared your interests.  It was a wonderful time, being able to meet those from around the world who felt "like home", emailing new friends, signing guestbooks, and maybe finding your way into your first chat room.  

My, how far we've fallen from that heaven.  
What's your internet experience like, now?  Do you feel like some unseen entity is somehow able to reach through your screen, farming the rage welling up in your heart when you read the endless supply of upsetting things?  Does it feel like you are dodging a minefield of offensive and inflammatory posts from
acquaintances, ads from companies you don't want to see, and being beaten over the head by 168 messages per minute?  Where is the peace?  Isn't the online world supposed to be fun?

And going down that road...what happened to "the online world"? Remember when "getting online" was dialing into your modem (Wow, can you remember the exact order of those beeps and boops?  I can!  Let the nostalgia roll!)  Once you were in, checking your email with anticipation, and surfing to your favorite websites to see if any content was updated?  Webrings connected your favorite personal websites, and maybe you liked to read Yahoo! News find out about the wider world from AOL.  Those things were FUN!  And if they weren't, you just surfed away to a different site.  The online world was connected, yet distinctly different in each landing space.  I don't know if kids now even have a concept of "the internet" as a place to visit...because their world mainly exists in apps and social media networks.  

This Millennial is longing...craving for a simpler time.  I am always on a low-key search for a curated web expirience where I can escape the chaos of bill paying, toddler watching, and worrying about work...back to a peaceful garden of internet surfing.  Does such a place exist?  I feel it must exist, but it's hidden...it certainly won't be advertised on Google or Facebook or any such place of digital pandemonium.  But surely some small kind space is out there, tucked away in a huge internet world which is increasingly vanilla and streamlined.  

If you know of such a gem, please do share <3

Blest

 Sometimes I just rock her to sleep...my sweet little 22 month old who still flutter sucks on a a paci -

In my arms, she is so so so beautiful.  I can't stop staring.  She's just so perfect.  It's so weird how I wasn't all that connected to her right after her birth and I worried about it.  But as time has gone on, I've fallen more and more in love with her.  I am so supremely blessed. 

Mom rocking Charlotte

 I have the sweetest mama, who drives an hour from Fort Worth to Dallas to watch Charlotte on days when I have to teach group exercise classes or voice lessons.  I could take her to childwatch at the gym, but she comes over anyway because she loves Charlotte so much.  It makes me so happy to see them enjoying each other.  I loved her mama (my grandma) and had so many warm memories of spending time with her.  I'm so glad that Charlotte will have those memories in her little developing brain and know that she is so very loved by those around her.

One of my mom's favorite things to do is to rock Charlotte to sleep and then hold her throughout her nap, often falling asleep, herself.  It's so sweet...I can't help but taking pics of it.  

She'd probably kill me if she knew! Shhh...don't tell her! 

 Whew what a long day.

I just can't seem to catch my feet on the ground long enough to get a running start.  
I had normal church performance this morning, then choral evensong tonight.  We did the Mendelssohn Magnificat and Nunc Dimmitis but we didn't get enough rehearsal time on it.  I was really stressed out but it turned out okay.  I didn't get to see Charlotte very much today because the only time I was home this afternoon was during her nap.  

I really need some relaxing time, but I feel so overwhelmed with all I need to do.  
Clutter is killing me right now.  You have a normal amount of clutter, then you have a baby and it blows up times 100.  

Anyone know any decluttering apps or inspiration?  I need help.

A glimpse of the divine

I shy away from the hokey, teary mom stuff usually.  But sometimes when I am rocking my 14 month old baby girl to sleep...her face looks so peaceful that it reminds me that there is a world beyond this one.  A world where goodness and virtue grow like flowers in a garden, and only the purest souls can dwell there.  

Babies seem "straight from heaven".  They capture the innocent and goodness that was lost in the world.  They are so unscorched by the harsh rays of this world's unending pelting of bad news, war, sarcasm, and idiocy.  They just...exist in the moment.  No wonder our souls are touched by babies and often moved to tears.  

I love my baby girl.  She is heaven on earth, too me.  Even on the nights where she screams her head off half the night...I wouldn't send her away for anything.