I used to really try to fit into a Christian box.
The years between 2002-2004 ..ish I was going to Dallas Baptist University, which was full of evangelicals who all liked the same music. I remember listening to these foreign sounding songs in chapel, and I would close my eyes and try to feel the same intense emotions everyone else seemed to be feeling. But I just felt empty and sad. I believed, and knew I SHOULD feel this joy like everyone else did, but I didn't.
I would seek out those songs on the radio and try to force myself to listen to them (CCM - Contemporary Christian Music), but it sounded so vapid to me. Empty. I didn't like that music, and I didn't try very long.
I found solace in choral music we were singing in DBU Choral.
And I still do.
I like it when I go to mass, now, and don't have to feel anything. I can just exist, in silence. Silence and listening and watching. Just how I like it.
