Idle Tears by Edward Robert Hughes (English, 1851–1914)
At the same time, blessing of blessings, He also gave me a man. Oh, such a man. A man I would never be worthy of in a million years. A man full of intellect, and wit, and kindness, and sweetness, and gentleness. And so handsome and pleasant to look at, and strong times a million. But a sinner like me...we are so much alike! We have both light and darkness and are aware.
And now these same things bite at my heels. From years of changing, years of fear and wanting, longing and sins. Years of war in my heart. I am laid waste in many ways, while Jesus builds me up. I wish I had more to offer him than a 35 year old heart which has been torn to shreds in every direction. I am angry. I felt like I had so much to give at the tender ages...18, 19, 20...before anger set in. Before my parents divorced. Before I was taken up by so many things.
But Jesus said I am His girl.
Do I trust Jesus with my soul but not my heart?
Can Jesus pull me out of Utah and folly and depression, but not pull me into Chris' arms? My struggles to come to Jesus and my struggle to come relax into love are so similar.
I feel fully confident in my new-ish relationship. I absolutely feel that it is meet and right. It is blessed. Even heaven-favored, but that's a separate story. The story of me becoming a Catholic is intricately woven of late into the life of this wonderful man. Jesus is speaking to me through him, my Christ-Bearer, sanctifying me and giving me hard won graces from His own heart. He is changing me.
Fairy tales always seem like tragedies if you stop in the middle of the story.
Think about that for a minute.
Being in this amazing love story sometimes feels like being taken to the gym. It's an awesome place with amenities: a pool and and sauna and free towels. But you are there to work. And the work makes you look awesome and feel amazing and be your very best you. But some days you just wanna sit on the couch and eat Doritos and watch X-Files.
But we are better than that. Jesus is better than that. My relationship is better than that.
If I didn't have years of utter baggage behind me, maybe I'd be married by now.
If I had not been so terribly hurt by church, maybe I'd be Catholic by now. (Or Orthodox, or Lutheran, or Southern Baptist, or Presbyterian).
If I had only had a good relationship with a dad, maybe I'd have kids by now.
All of these things make the years seem so empty; such a painful waste.
But we can't live our lives in maybe, just like we can't live our lives in someday.
This is our time. It really is. It's what we've been given, and what we have. It's our gift from God. It's our gift to God. I'm getting a little better at it, very slowly, about trusting my Jesus with all those somedays and maybes. I just want Him.
And I want him. The best him I've known. I'm a huge fan. I'm so excited for my life with him. I'm so excited about where Jesus is taking us, and how we will figure out the details. It's so good. Now to just get to that gym every day and not skip #legday.
Seriously though, y'all. So in love. We are babies in love, but oh...sweetness! Kindness and hope are chasing me round. Hold tight to me, my good sir.
