Goodbye, August

When you stunned me
(Stunted me)
You looked back at me with your cold, dead eyes
And cut me as a shameful notch in your belt
(another notch in your ax handle)

I took you and your pain
(our pain)
to the beach one sunny day
I cried you into the sand
watched the dolphins jump
and watched the sunny skies turn to rain
I cast you into the sea, and our pain
(your pain, that you handed me)
pulled out the blade, and bled you into the sea
looked back over my shoulder
and cast you, like a glance, into the water

Where you sank.
With all your sinking, miserable lies.
There you sink.  There you lie.
And the hurricane came and took you away,
as I drove on to sunnier skies
(Dallas skies)
And our month
(your month)
fades now away into memory
and while you drown in your misery
I am free.
God.
I am free.

Pop Pilates Training!

I just got word that I was accepted for a scholarship to get certified in Pop Pilates!  Along with my U-Jam and Bootybarre certifications, I will continue being able to teach awesome classes that also double to keep me in shape!

I was marvelling today at how good God is, working through our different circumstances.  As a fat kid in college and beyond, I never in a million years could have pictured myself being in shape, much less teaching fitness classes. 

I always marvelled at fitness instructors.  I figured they must exist on some higher plane (I now laugh heartily at this notion).  We are just regular people who enjoy getting our butts kicked and kicking other's butts at the same time.  I'm far from super fit, but I am maintaining a good, consistent workout and eating routine because I have to.  

Much like God kept me in church by giving me a church job, God has kept me in shape by giving me a gym job.  Over the past year, the emotional roller coaster I've been on could have left me much worse off if I had allowed depression to sink me.  Normal Amy would rather lie in bed for hours after work than haul her yoga pants to the gym and smile at people while sweating and calling out cues.  But it is good for me.  It's good for others.  And God is good for giving it to me.

This entire week I've been running around getting things done to start teaching voice.  I'm more organized this year, because I know what I expect since it's my 2nd year in this district.  It is fun and feels exciting, like the start of a new chapter.  I am really enjoying my life at the moment.

Never feel like life is ended.  Things change, and we can see them as detriments or jump on it and see change as opportunities.  The former is easier.  Let's do the later :) 

Normalcy

Some days, I feel like Jesus has built a nice white picket fence around me.

I am astounded by how the mind changes and heals when sin is quitted.
Normal, stable, non-grandiose life:  It's amazing.  Let's have more.

30 Day Shred Video

Hunter went back to work, and I am kinda stuck in limbo till my school starts.

We were doing the 30 Day Shred together, but now he does it at 6 am way over in Dallas while I'm still asleep in my nice comfy bed here in Fort Worth.  I can't be with him, so I made a video of me doing Level 2 so he could feel like I was there (and I can sleep!)

Working out is for everyone.

Let Love Heal You

There is not a human walking this planet who is not wounded.

Whether we hide them, nurse them, or flaunt them, we all have wounds from others.  Some people lash out to protect themselves.  Others harm themselves, both physically and emotionally, to act out these wounds over and over.  We don't deal well with pain.  I used to believe that my life would only be pain, and I was looking for a way to escape it.

Bodies heal with time and application of healthy things.  On the other side of the coin, we can interfere with our healing by doing things which harm us.  We can choose to eat terrible things which make us sick, fat, and feel awful.  I promise you that steamed broccoli and some seasoned chicken breast will make you feel better than eating a tub of ice cream.  Poking yourself with a needle or cutting yourself with a razor blade are bad things to do, not because they make you feel bad, but they interfere with the way your body is supposed to function.

But what of the heart?  People wounded by parents, by other kids, by an abuser, etc, are all confused and hurting.  Wounds aren't so straightforward when you can't see them.  Our bodies do us a favor by getting fatter or thinner when we abuse food.  Or by alerting us with pain when we are injured.  But the pain we feel over emotional hurt is trickier.  It becomes twisted and engrained in us.  It gets tangled around our good emotions, and becomes part of our personality.  Someone who is a jerk and acts out might do so because she is reacting to a wound, hidden away and so painful that something must be done.  But what?

Our hearts and souls are made to turn to God.  God is love.  God is healing and life and goodness.  These words are so simple, that they seem saccharine and unhelpful in the midst of pain.  Yet simple actions are the best.  We can care for ourselves and let God love us, and thus tap into His immense grace and healing.  But we must move slowly.  We must go one day at a time.  There is no rush.

I used to get so frustrated because I didn't know what to do when it came to dealing with my hurt and wounds.  Yet, recently, I've seen movements in my own heart toward the light and love of God, and I'd like to share some really simple things I've learned.  Simple is good for a soul like mine.  I'd rather catastrophize, think of grandiose ways that I could fail, worry myself to death, and then do nothing because I'm so overwhelmed.  Nope.  God has a better way.

1.  Soak in the love of God

Super cheesy thing to say.  But don't worry about that.  There are so many ways to do this, I know you can find something that isn't annoying.  For me, my mind runs away with me and I fall headlong into despair.  Thought after thought takes me away from God, into myself, and God knows where else.  Bring it back.  Tackle one thing at a time.

- Read a Psalm.  (remember, simplicity is your friend)

- Sing a positive song

- Memorize some scripture that speaks about the love of God.

- Speak the truth to yourself.

- Listen to some Christian music.  Chant is my favorite.

Combat the thoughts you are hearing with bright, glorious truth.  God is not fooled by Satan's lies.  Remember, we want to take ourselves toward the healing love of God, not away from it.  What does God want you to know about His love?  Go there with your thoughts.

2. Imagine Jesus healing you

Imagine you are sitting with Jesus.   Pick a place.  It could be your kitchen table.  Or the back row of your church.  Or the place where your abuse happened.  Ask Jesus some questions and imagine what He'd say.  If you know Him, you will know the difference between what He'd say and lies.  Ask Him to heal you.  See what He does.  Offer Jesus your thoughts and imagination and see what happens.  This is a new way to pray for me, and I've found it amazing.

3. Make a list of thankful things

Sometimes you can get so bogged down in negative thoughts that it's hard to see see straight.  Bring those thoughts back to Jesus by listing the good things that have happened recently, and thanking Him for them.  I bet it will be easy to think of things once you get started.

4.  Be around healing people

If you are constantly hearing negativity, it's hard to think of anything else.  Ask God to bring healing people into your life, and then reach out to them.  A good, holy person will listen and speak love to you in ways that edify you both.  Don't be afraid to be vulnerable with people who are trustworthy.  Just a reminder: if someone gossips about people, she probably isn't trustworthy.  Mature people will be honorable and kind to those around them.

Tip from a fellow sojourner in grace:  Take things one step at a time.  Focus on the tiny ways you can inch closer to God's love.  He is there and He cares for you.  It's not impossible for you to be healed of your wounds, but you have to let Him touch your heart.  It can be scary, but God is trustworthy.  Maybe just trust Him a little tiny bit more, and see what happens.  One thing at a time.