Hidden

Oh hide me away
Lest hope flicker and sputter in the cruel wind
Lest life become even more dim
Yet joy be on the Easter horizon.

Oh hide me with thee
In thy memory that cannot be denied
In thy words which are ever enshrined
In crowded glass frosted still.

Oh hide me someday
For thy trust and beckoning
For thy truest love's reckoning
Thy words echo still in my pounding heart.

Oh hide me behind
Tracing thy jaw with love inclined
Tracing promises made of bodies entwined
Locked where I cannot go.

Oh hide me away
Far afield into thy broken heart
Far into the fear that's torn you apart
Let the joy of healing shine.

Oh hide me in gold
Once you said that a broken vase
Once broken with gold filling replace
Never lost with broken beauty

Oh hide me in thy hands
Between the prayers whispered in your sadness
Between your weeping and your gladness
Fresh to tearless morning be

Oh hide me, gracious Jesus
In Thy heart, with all my weeping
In Thy heart, while I am sleeping
Wake me to mourn no more.

1. O Love that will not let me go,
   I rest my weary soul in thee;
   I give thee back the life I owe,
   That in thine ocean depths its flow
   May richer, fuller be.
2. O Light that foll’west all my way,
   I yield my flick’ring torch to thee;
   My heart restores its borrowed ray,
   That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
   May brighter, fairer be.
3. O Joy that seekest me through pain,
   I cannot close my heart to thee;
   I trace the rainbow through the rain,
   And feel the promise is not vain,
   That morn shall tearless be.
4. O Cross that liftest up my head,
   I dare not ask to fly from thee;
   I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
   And from the ground there blossoms red
   Life that shall endless be.

George Matheson, 1882

It's true

Surely, no one cares for you as much as me.

(you said it.  I agree)

Open

I'm watching the candle burn from across the room.
It adds glow.
It adds comfort.
It adds beauty.

My heart is glowing, from across the town.
It adds warmth.
It adds splendor.
It is beauty.

Jesus is glowing from inside the Tabernacle.
He adds life.
He adds love.
He is beauty.

My heart is open for you.
My hands are open to you.
My soul is open to you.
Fiat.
My mind wonders.
My tongue beckons.
My feet stay as they are told.
Fiat.
The candle is glowing.
My heart is glowing.
Jesus is glowing.
Fiat lux.

Kythe with me, in your darkness.
I know you are waiting.
I know you are hurting.
I shall suffer with you.
I shall wait with you.
I do not understand you.
But I care so very deeply.
And ever shall.  I promised.
Surely.

If prayers really can be carried by angels, they are.
Straight to you.
If hearts really can be comforted by strangers, they are.
Straight for you.
If light can pierce the darkness, so be it.
Fiat.

My heart is open, ugly and open.
Hurt and open.
Sad and open.
Hopeful and open.
Joyful and open.
Free and open.
Fiat lux.

As I have been, ever.

Heartburst

An open bloom inside me
A soft cushion of grace
Bursts forth from old darkness
And death's decaying waste

You found your way afar
Somewhere, wandering
Lonely in the shadows
In your heart's pondering

I don't know your words, now
Or your reasons, or your tears
But I hope that somehow
You will feel my love.

The tears I shed now, every day,
Every night to my pillow
My trembling voice offers this way
To join you in your suffering

If I could take it away, love
If I could take it back
If I could take you to heaven
I'd make up for what we lack

To see Jesus smiling
On our weakened souls
Happy in our grace
His strength to bestow

My heart is open here
Just a few breaths away
A backward glance, here
Healing from my dismay

Jesus.  Jesus has not left.
Jesus will not leave you.
Jesus is your Right
Jesus will not deceive you.

Don't look left or right
Don't think it all Wrong
Just peer up to heaven
And God will restore your song.

One soft thing

Hear me, please

When I cry

Out in the night

Of light, please

Bring me home

Darkness supplant

Tears bring me

Closer to thee

Closer to Thee

We three, me

And thee, and

Godhead ever

Don't be far

Don't be far

Never farther

Mine the pain

yours the fear

Ours to bear it

In my heart

ever art

Thou appearing

"Never alone"

You once said

now I know it

Come with me

we three, two

hearts in trouble

So in tears

Sown in tears

Give us tomorrow

Light the dawn

Find us home

With Thee ever

Let it be

Jesus, Oh

I believe it

Showered rain

Not in vain

All my sighing

In the night

seeking Thee -

Consolation

In his heart

ever art

Thou Consoling

Take my prayers

Take my heart

Take my weeping

Take my love

Take my pain

Take my dying

Take my cares

Take my fears

Take them with thee

Take my hopes

Take my prayers

Take my singing

Take my tears

Take my sighs

Up to heaven

Shower love!

Shower help!

Show Thy mercy!

On his heart.

On my heart.

We adore Thee

Make me soft

Make me kind

Understanding

Make me wise

Make my eyes

Only for you

Give me wings

A turn to sing

Please console him

Past my reach

Send my heart

A little farther

All to give

All to love

All I have now

Open wide

come inside

One Soft Thing Now

Is thine own

Is thine own

and ever shall be

In the night

I send you light,

Understanding

Please see me

Take comfort please

You aren't forsaken.

Unfurled

All the banners of I've been under:
My father's, the church,
the crest over my heart on my school jumper
My place in the halls of learning
Bumper sticker theology
A daughter of dead soldiers
Catechumen to grace
And now sir, yours.

You unfurled it to press
To make ready the ramparts and comforts of home
Laundered and threads checked
Bed linens smelling of lavender and Spring Hope
Watered with the tears of years past
His heart and his heart and his heart
His rough words
Now soothed under the kind sound of your name

But taken aback!
Back! Back!
Sound the retreat and the scurrying of who-knows-who
Till lonely on the barren fields
I take hands with Uriah
And together we march on, alone.

The spoils of hope

On almost sunny afternoons

A quiet heart is free to muse

On questions unasked

Sighs that fill those spaces

Between Fear and Knowing

All that has ransomed our plans

Where weaker minds and youthful 

Dreams went unexplored

That land of weeping

Now swept with a fog

A rolling heaviness

Almost romantic

Books closed, tea unsipped

Pretty hands folded neatly on chintz 

Naked fingers curl round 

Some phantom we almost grasped. 

And a deeper pain

A quieter pain

Spills tears, and goes silent.

"I have been dealt a blow, Jane.  Dealt a blow."

Mr. Rochester had many secrets that he kept from Jane.  They eventually came back to haunt him, to ruin their plans for marriage (since he had his wife locked in an upstairs room), and break Jane's heart.  It took her wandering off across the moors, almost dying, setting up life in a new place and starting over, forgiving him somehow, turning down her cousin's (!) offer of marriage, Rochester losing everything and going blind, and her returning, for things to work out.

That's a lot of pain to suffer through for love.
Jane was 18.
Jane had her whole life ahead of her.
But not much because all she wanted to do was fly away and be free.
I cannot imaging how much her wedding being interrupted at the altar must have crushed her.  I cannot imagine taking my next breath.


I have been dealt a blow.
Not quite as bad as Jane's but in the same vein.
I am suffering right now.
I feel like something very precious has been taken away from me.
I am hurting so badly.
I need prayers, please.
I don't have any secrets.  My father has secrets.
My father told him not to marry me.
My father put conditions on me.
My father has cast a shadow over my life, even without being in it.
Here I am, wandering across the moors.
I am the first to admit I need help.


I am holding onto a few things, now:
Faith, my faith in Jesus Christ.  Church attendance.  The sacraments.
Grace.  Hope that God really does love me, somehow.
Hope that there is help.
Hope that my father doesn't have the final say in my happiness.
Jesus.

That's about it.
Please pray for me.

Space between sighs

Shall there be dawn beyond the empty blackness?
That space between sighs

You've given me pain, Lord.
You've set me up for glory
Planned me a coronation
And then given me pain.

Why?  What good could possibly be in this dust
Falling, crumbling between my slender fingers
I couldn't stop it for all the money in the world

just like I couldn't pay to calm your heart
I couldn't spend enough to pardon my own soul
To bring healing to the wounds
Caused by the rough words of a father

I didn't ask to be wounded.
I didn't ask to carry his cross
You could tie me to a rock
And blame me for not moving
Fast enough.  Or now too slow
That molasses was sweet
But dripped in my eyes, and now I can't see.

He held my heart close to his
Safe in his dear rough hands
Carried to the place of treasure
In his sweet eyes

But then asked its price
Appraised its worth
Called down the sellers and the buyers

And now I've found myself in the dust
On the dust, under the dust
Made of dust

Ashes.  Ashes and dust.
Terrified of which questions in my heart
I shall not ask.  Shant ask.
Ashes and dust and diamonds and dust.
Once brilliant sun, now mocking me.  Blinding me.
Shaming me.

Like the calendar on the wall which mocks my days.
Unfeeling papers planned before my time.
"The way it's always been".
Someone decided.  But they didn't tell me.