Apparently, you aren't supposed to announce your pregnancy till the 2nd trimester. And for good reason. I remember seeing someone's play-by-play of having a miscarriage on Facebook and being shocked (not in a good way). Like overkill shocked. Like I didn't want to know all that. Makes sense, even though most people are nicer than me and wouldn't think that. Maybe.
But guys, I'm there again. I'm pregnant, again. I have known for over a month. I was so happy. We were so happy. I was overjoyed and there were no miscarriage symptoms. I've just been gaining weight, having super human smell, sore breasts, and a hard time keeping my breath when I work out or climb stairs.
Cue the first ultrasound at 6 weeks. I have no idea why we went in this early, but we did.
And the tech's face fell. He was pretty much like "Oh my gosh...it's SO small".
This apparently happens sometimes when you are not as far along as you thought. But I track my cycle, I know exactly when I ovulated, and it doesn't make sense to be that far off.
So they tell us to come back in a week for another ultrasound which will show if things are viable or not. And the baby has grown! It's grown, but not enough. And now they see two. Twins.
Two tiny little gestational sacs, but no embryos yet. This far along we should see something. But I have to come back in another week.
So two weeks of waiting limbo...two weeks of not knowing if I'm going to actually be a mom this time. Taking my vitamins and avoiding everything I'm supposed to avoid. And not telling people I'm pregnant, because you aren't supposed to do that.
And suddenly, it's tomorrow. I'm going in tomorrow to see if my little twin babies are going to make it. I can't tell you how much anxiety and depression I'm feeling right now. Part of me doesn't want to know at all...just to go along with the pregnancy and hope for the best. I don't even know what compels me to write this other than I'm so scared that these babies will pass away and no one will ever know they existed.
I don't understand any of this.
I am sad and scared.
I don't want to lose not one, but two babies this time.
This isn't fair.
Life isn't fair.
No one said it was supposed to be...but it's so hard to see pregnant women lumbering around so easily. With other kids in tow...and here's me...not even showing yet, and terrified I won't be pregnant much longer.
God have mercy on me. If you can spare a prayer for me, please do. I'm a mess.
