On my heart today: If you want your group to be taken seriously, with intellectual honesty and people discussing what you ACTUALLY said instead of some sound bite being taken out of context and used against you, then you MUST stand up for others when you see the same thing being done to them. I don't agree with Muslim theology, or LDS theology, or most Liberals, but it's not fair for me to take what they say and run with it so that it's not what they really mean. Going to the extreme with something isn't honest. I hope to stand up for honesty, even if I disagree with what is being said. It's so very hard in this day and age to find out what is actually happening in the world instead of what the reporters/pundits/Facebook Memes/blah blah blah want you to hear. Find the source before you hit SHARE. Read. Think. Pray. Maybe that article that says "POPE DECLARES THERE IS NO GOD!" might need some more research before you share it with your friends who might be more naive than you. Take a tip from Fox Mulder on the X-Files: The Truth Is Out There. Don't be lazy. Go find it.
Christians need to be the last honest people standing. We have to fight for it. It's not enough to sit back and look at cute drawings of Precious Moments with Bible verses printed on them. We live in a tough world that takes the truth and twists it, cuts it up, decorates it, dips it in glitter and then sells it to you for a hefty profit. Don't let it happen.
Be honest. Demand honesty from others. But be kind.
My life as a Catholic Warrior Princess.
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Friday, November 20, 2015
Thinking vs. Feeling
I was looking at Jungian personality descriptors tonight, and contemplating the difference between T and F (Thinking and Feeling) I am most definitely a T. My mom asked the difference and I thought for a minute, and I gave this example: "Someone posts on FB that his kid fell and hit her head and is in the hospital with a concussion. All of the comments are things like 'Oh my! Oh no!! Poor little one!! Prayers going up! Oh goodness' etc. etc. MY first thought (and sometimes comment) is "What exactly happened? Why did this happen? Give me details of the situation!" And people probably think I'm a heartless jerk, but it's really just how my brain processes information for decision making. It's not that I'm not compassionate, it's that the things which caught my attention are the technical horrors of a child falling and hurting herself, not people's feelings or reactions to it. It's like I wanna clear away all the emotional fluff and get to the important things so something can be done." Maybe my psychology oriented friends can shed some light on this.
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Dreaming
There are certain times of year I associate with stillness, quietude, and dreaming...
November, January and February are those times.
Maybe it's because it's the darkest part of the year.
October is about action. My birthday is in October. It's always been a month of happiness and excitement for me.
December is candle-lit. It's Advent. It's the holy time...the Nativity. The wonder of the birth of the Christ child, and the virgin Theotokos cradling Him in her arms. It's angels singing. It's light.
January is dark. It's still. In January we walk a knife edge between delight and depression. Snow blankets much of the area. The light fades almost as quickly as it comes. It's a time of stillness, yet fire in our hearts. Everything slows. I love it, but I struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder to a degree. I have to use a therapy light to stimulate my brain into happiness. But sometimes the beauty of the cold grey backdrop overtakes me and I fall into a dreamy sort of state...watching black and white movies that echo the images outside. Or reading real books by the fire. Or burning candle after candle while listening to Ambient music. I love it.
February is a tease...she is a month whose crowning day is a day of love, but it's often drowned out by people belly-aching about having no love. The same stillness, but it seems the wind begins to pick up and move forward toward the Spring time.
I am open to these times of dreams. Now we are in November, just before Advent. There is much to be done. There is a time for everything...for work and for rest.
Oh God, don't let me waste it.
November, January and February are those times.
Maybe it's because it's the darkest part of the year.
October is about action. My birthday is in October. It's always been a month of happiness and excitement for me.
December is candle-lit. It's Advent. It's the holy time...the Nativity. The wonder of the birth of the Christ child, and the virgin Theotokos cradling Him in her arms. It's angels singing. It's light.
January is dark. It's still. In January we walk a knife edge between delight and depression. Snow blankets much of the area. The light fades almost as quickly as it comes. It's a time of stillness, yet fire in our hearts. Everything slows. I love it, but I struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder to a degree. I have to use a therapy light to stimulate my brain into happiness. But sometimes the beauty of the cold grey backdrop overtakes me and I fall into a dreamy sort of state...watching black and white movies that echo the images outside. Or reading real books by the fire. Or burning candle after candle while listening to Ambient music. I love it.
February is a tease...she is a month whose crowning day is a day of love, but it's often drowned out by people belly-aching about having no love. The same stillness, but it seems the wind begins to pick up and move forward toward the Spring time.
I am open to these times of dreams. Now we are in November, just before Advent. There is much to be done. There is a time for everything...for work and for rest.
Oh God, don't let me waste it.
Sunday, November 1, 2015
New Demo Reel
As I put this together I realize how much my acting as indeed grown over the past year. It might feel like I haven't done a ton of things or had all the opportunities that I wanted, but I really have done some nice things. I heard an important casting director say that they are relying more and more on demo reels to cast people...so I hopped to it and updated mine. Here it is.
May fruit be ever budding.
May fruit be ever budding.
Monday, October 12, 2015
Behind the scenes
Much of my professional life is determined without me, behind closed doors, with people I don't know and haven't met, talking openly about people and passing around pictures with resumes stapled to the back.
Things we are afraid to say in the polite world, such as "her nose is so large that it's unsettling", "her hips are too big for my taste", "I like this one because...I don't know. There's just something about her eyes" are freely thrown around, here. They trade in pictures like kids used to trade baseball cards. I'm sure they used to know but have long forgotten all the emotions pinned to those choices...fears, hopes, "this is my dream role", "I'm getting too old to play this part", people who just had a breakup, people who will move away if they don't get this role, etc.
But they don't know.
They know they like the curvature of someone's chin. Or that she's 10 lbs lighter than the next one. Or they really prefer brown hair today.
Who knows? All of this goes on in a back room somewhere. I'm not privy to it. No wonder actors suffer such neurosis, often battling insecurity with bravado. One director felt the need to write me a letter and tell me I suffered from "overt self-depreciation". Did he know my life was falling apart? That my parents had just split up, I was doing poorly in college, gained so much weight and under so much stressed that I stopped menstruating? Was this letter supposed to be helpful?
I hope he didn't realize this.
And I know one thing, I'm glad I'm not privy to whatever goes on in back room casting. I know who I am and I don't need to know director's opinions. Why? Because opinions don't matter? They most certainly do. Every time I've been cast it's been due to someone's opinion. But I don't need to wear their opinions like a poncho. Because for everyone who thinks you are God's gift to acting, there are 20 who really don't like your voice. Or your hair. Or your body. Or they have a girlfriend/niece/wife/mistress who fits the part more than you. Or doesn't. But you get my point.
Everything God plans is decided in a back room, it seems. I'm not privy to it. I can't bargain with him. I didn't ask to end up where I am. I'm sure a lot of my horrible decisions have added to it, but it seems like he orchestrates my life somehow. Don't ask me how. I don't know. But He does.
Can't we trust Him? I don't trust casting directors really...too subjective. But God? Doesn't he have the best planned for me?
I know I'm not a picture and resume to God. He has entirely too much invested. Maybe I just need to be quiet and let him work. Even if it's in a back room; I'll eventually find out.
And it'll be amazing.
Things we are afraid to say in the polite world, such as "her nose is so large that it's unsettling", "her hips are too big for my taste", "I like this one because...I don't know. There's just something about her eyes" are freely thrown around, here. They trade in pictures like kids used to trade baseball cards. I'm sure they used to know but have long forgotten all the emotions pinned to those choices...fears, hopes, "this is my dream role", "I'm getting too old to play this part", people who just had a breakup, people who will move away if they don't get this role, etc.
But they don't know.
They know they like the curvature of someone's chin. Or that she's 10 lbs lighter than the next one. Or they really prefer brown hair today.
Who knows? All of this goes on in a back room somewhere. I'm not privy to it. No wonder actors suffer such neurosis, often battling insecurity with bravado. One director felt the need to write me a letter and tell me I suffered from "overt self-depreciation". Did he know my life was falling apart? That my parents had just split up, I was doing poorly in college, gained so much weight and under so much stressed that I stopped menstruating? Was this letter supposed to be helpful?
I hope he didn't realize this.
And I know one thing, I'm glad I'm not privy to whatever goes on in back room casting. I know who I am and I don't need to know director's opinions. Why? Because opinions don't matter? They most certainly do. Every time I've been cast it's been due to someone's opinion. But I don't need to wear their opinions like a poncho. Because for everyone who thinks you are God's gift to acting, there are 20 who really don't like your voice. Or your hair. Or your body. Or they have a girlfriend/niece/wife/mistress who fits the part more than you. Or doesn't. But you get my point.
Everything God plans is decided in a back room, it seems. I'm not privy to it. I can't bargain with him. I didn't ask to end up where I am. I'm sure a lot of my horrible decisions have added to it, but it seems like he orchestrates my life somehow. Don't ask me how. I don't know. But He does.
Can't we trust Him? I don't trust casting directors really...too subjective. But God? Doesn't he have the best planned for me?
I know I'm not a picture and resume to God. He has entirely too much invested. Maybe I just need to be quiet and let him work. Even if it's in a back room; I'll eventually find out.
And it'll be amazing.
Monday, September 21, 2015
Suscipe (prayer for tonight)
Suscipe (St. Ignatius of Loyola)
Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty,
my memory, my understanding
and my entire will,
All I have and call my own.
You have given all to me.
To you, Lord, I return it.
Everything is yours; do with it what you will.
Give me only your love and your grace.
That is enough for me.
Thank you, Fr. Jacob.
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
Thoughts on being in a show
I guess I haven't posted about the show I'm in. It's Oklahoma! and I'm in the chorus.
I cried when I got the call.
Who wouldn't? I mean this has always been my dream, and I've been steadily plodding along for a solid year here in Utah and offered nothing at this point. Zero. Zilch. When your identity is built up in one thing and then that thing goes away, you really have to face your identity. Big time. Like looking at yourself naked in a mirror under really unforgiving lights.
So I looked around on stage on opening night in a moment where I wasn't dancing. I did it. I freaking did it. I grabbed myself by my own waistband and pulled myself up. I know that doesn't seem like a lot to most people. And even if it's only dancing in the chorus of Oklahoma!, it's something. It's better than crying after 50+ auditions. It's better than looking back at the list of leads I've played.
And the best thing is it's good for perspective.
I miss home so much. Seriously...so much. My gypsy heart is not settled. Who knows where I'll end up or what will happen. I'm so glad that Jesus and other loves are portable if we don't get too attached to places, or things, or people.
This isn't to sound arrogant, but I am glad I did this. I'm glad I proved to myself that I could do it. It shouldn't have been so hard, but for some reason it was. I didn't give up, and I succeeded. And I'll carry that with me the rest of my life.
I know now that I can do it.
I cried when I got the call.
Who wouldn't? I mean this has always been my dream, and I've been steadily plodding along for a solid year here in Utah and offered nothing at this point. Zero. Zilch. When your identity is built up in one thing and then that thing goes away, you really have to face your identity. Big time. Like looking at yourself naked in a mirror under really unforgiving lights.
So I looked around on stage on opening night in a moment where I wasn't dancing. I did it. I freaking did it. I grabbed myself by my own waistband and pulled myself up. I know that doesn't seem like a lot to most people. And even if it's only dancing in the chorus of Oklahoma!, it's something. It's better than crying after 50+ auditions. It's better than looking back at the list of leads I've played.
And the best thing is it's good for perspective.
I miss home so much. Seriously...so much. My gypsy heart is not settled. Who knows where I'll end up or what will happen. I'm so glad that Jesus and other loves are portable if we don't get too attached to places, or things, or people.
This isn't to sound arrogant, but I am glad I did this. I'm glad I proved to myself that I could do it. It shouldn't have been so hard, but for some reason it was. I didn't give up, and I succeeded. And I'll carry that with me the rest of my life.
Thursday, August 20, 2015
The ruinous internet mob
Whose life will the internet band together and try to ruin, today? People! We are ALL sinners...really, truly, seriously! Not all of us are celebrities, it's true! But before you condemn and jump on a "this person's life deserves to be ruined because they did X" bandwagon, just pause and think for a moment: what if YOUR life were found out...all your secrets out in the open, and exposed? Think about how quickly your world would unravel. Maybe just use that thought to temper how you sift through the online mob mentality that rules our society today. We ALL need compassion because none of us can be proud of everything we do.
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Tribes
My days have been quite hectic, and my nights full of dreamless sleep.
I know nothing of the length of my days. I know nothing of the length of days allotted for my country, and I fear that in my country we are in a stupor where we imagine our days go on forever.
Call me a radical. It's a badge of honor nowadays. It seems like one by one, in increasingly rapid succession, our freedoms and values are coming under attack. When I say "our", I'm talking about my tribes. Tribes is a term I've seen used lately. I wish we didn't need terms like this, but it seems we do. Tribes seem to be people whose interests and values we identify with. People with whom we belong.
I first and foremost am a follower of Jesus Christ.
He has this giant banner over me, a banner of love. I am His. I am marked for eternity by him, bought and paid for, under the wings of my great physician and good shepherd. When you speak of the Christians, you speak of me, even though many Christians do stupid things I'd rather not identify with.
I also identify in part with the Southern Baptists, because of my history, and my growing up years. I have a soft spot in my heart for them.
But the tribe I flock to more is the liturgical churches. Lord bless them. I'll get it sorted out someday.
I am a Texan.
We are different than some of the Southern states, as we were once our own country. We entered the Union voluntarily as a sovereign nation, and it's written into our constitution that we can leave (not that they'd let us). I'm all about the Alamo, Sam Houston, Dallas, The Rangers, and the Cowboys. Yehaww.
I am a Southerner.
I am a Southerner. I think like a Southerner. I am the great great granddaughter of a Confederate soldier. We aren't all "America or die". We feel like we should maintain some healthy resistance to the federal government. We don't always trust them. I think that's okay. I'm happy with this. I love the long summer humid nights full of mosquitos, fireflies,and the sound of locusts back home. I love the drawl I hear when people speak. Bad grammar and hot headed thinking makes me bristle, but I love the people of the South overall.
I will not apologize for who I am, downplay that I love where I'm from. I miss it when I'm away. I'm loyal to my heritage, rebels and all.
I am an American.
America has a great place in the world. We have been a shining hope and example of liberty to a great many people. Nothing represents this better than our role in World War Two. I miss that America. I fear for us, daily. We are far too lackadaisical in the comfort of our own freedom. We won't be around forever, at least not in a recognizable form.
I am a Singer.
I see my life as a connective variety of songs. I identify with music. I think about diction and tone. I have a hard time enjoying church if the music is bad. I just see life different than those who aren't musical, and it grows increasingly obvious in ways it didn't used to be. Sound is important to me.
I am a libertarian.
Kinda. I mean, I am, but I have strong feelings about such things as abortion. I think people should be free to do what they wish, but it stops at harming another person. That is the case with abortion. Killing your own children shouldn't be legal. I also struggle with things like "gay marriage". I think it shouldn't be the government's place to legitimize it...but I also think it's morally wrong. So I think it should be legal, but in a way where the government is out of it completely. I'm still forming my political beliefs, and politics weary me.
These are just a few tribes that I have. There are many more. We all need a place to belong, and people with whom to identify. What are some of your tribes?
I know nothing of the length of my days. I know nothing of the length of days allotted for my country, and I fear that in my country we are in a stupor where we imagine our days go on forever.
Call me a radical. It's a badge of honor nowadays. It seems like one by one, in increasingly rapid succession, our freedoms and values are coming under attack. When I say "our", I'm talking about my tribes. Tribes is a term I've seen used lately. I wish we didn't need terms like this, but it seems we do. Tribes seem to be people whose interests and values we identify with. People with whom we belong.
I first and foremost am a follower of Jesus Christ.
He has this giant banner over me, a banner of love. I am His. I am marked for eternity by him, bought and paid for, under the wings of my great physician and good shepherd. When you speak of the Christians, you speak of me, even though many Christians do stupid things I'd rather not identify with.
I also identify in part with the Southern Baptists, because of my history, and my growing up years. I have a soft spot in my heart for them.
But the tribe I flock to more is the liturgical churches. Lord bless them. I'll get it sorted out someday.
I am a Texan.
We are different than some of the Southern states, as we were once our own country. We entered the Union voluntarily as a sovereign nation, and it's written into our constitution that we can leave (not that they'd let us). I'm all about the Alamo, Sam Houston, Dallas, The Rangers, and the Cowboys. Yehaww.
I am a Southerner.
I am a Southerner. I think like a Southerner. I am the great great granddaughter of a Confederate soldier. We aren't all "America or die". We feel like we should maintain some healthy resistance to the federal government. We don't always trust them. I think that's okay. I'm happy with this. I love the long summer humid nights full of mosquitos, fireflies,and the sound of locusts back home. I love the drawl I hear when people speak. Bad grammar and hot headed thinking makes me bristle, but I love the people of the South overall.
I will not apologize for who I am, downplay that I love where I'm from. I miss it when I'm away. I'm loyal to my heritage, rebels and all.
I am an American.
America has a great place in the world. We have been a shining hope and example of liberty to a great many people. Nothing represents this better than our role in World War Two. I miss that America. I fear for us, daily. We are far too lackadaisical in the comfort of our own freedom. We won't be around forever, at least not in a recognizable form.
I am a Singer.
I see my life as a connective variety of songs. I identify with music. I think about diction and tone. I have a hard time enjoying church if the music is bad. I just see life different than those who aren't musical, and it grows increasingly obvious in ways it didn't used to be. Sound is important to me.
I am a libertarian.
Kinda. I mean, I am, but I have strong feelings about such things as abortion. I think people should be free to do what they wish, but it stops at harming another person. That is the case with abortion. Killing your own children shouldn't be legal. I also struggle with things like "gay marriage". I think it shouldn't be the government's place to legitimize it...but I also think it's morally wrong. So I think it should be legal, but in a way where the government is out of it completely. I'm still forming my political beliefs, and politics weary me.
These are just a few tribes that I have. There are many more. We all need a place to belong, and people with whom to identify. What are some of your tribes?
Friday, July 10, 2015
Quote by General Patrick Cleburne, prophet.
If the South lost the War of Between the States: “It means that the history of this heroic struggle will be written by the enemy. That our youth will be trained by Northern school teachers; will learn from Northern school books their version of the war; will be impressed by all of the influences of History and Education to regard our gallant debt as traitors and our maimed veterans as fit subjects for derision.”
Thursday, April 30, 2015
What I learned at U-Jam Instructor Training
Hello everyone!
It's been a great week. I've had so much going on that I haven't taken the time to write. God is adding so much to my life, and it's in the little twists and turns that I never really expect that I see him moving the most. It's *never* like I thought it was going to be.
This past weekend I got to fulfill a long term goal: I did the training to become a U-Jam instructor. If you've never heard of U-Jam, you probably have seen people at the gym in classes, dancing their little tookuses off, sweating and smiling and burning about a million calories. The person up at the front is who I am training to be. My life has been freakishly changed by this type of class, and U-Jam in particular. U-Jam is a fitness dance class using world beats, so it's got hip-hop, Latin, Reggae, jazz, top 40...pretty much anything awesome and current. I wear a heart rate monitor in class and I usually burn between 500 and 700 calories. Not bad for an hour of fun!
To be honest, I was dreading this training. I am now almost 100% sure that everyone has the same doubts and worries as I do concerning his own limits and fears. "Will I be good enough?" "Will anyone want to come to my classes?" "Will I know what to say?" "Do I have the talent?" Sound familiar? Those questions go across the board to all humans. Self doubt is pretty rampant, if we are honest, and there are personally many things I've talked myself out of doing in my life because I thought I wasn't good enough. Yikes!
Well, this wasn't one of those times!
For two days we sweated our butts off, smiled, learned how to cue and pump up a class, worked on swag, talked about fitness, had amazing laughs and just kept going till we were done! I'm so glad I did this and I'm so glad that I am one step close to teaching.
I've got another hurdle to jump: my video assessment, and I'll be doing that soon. Until then I can bask in the glow of the fellowship and purpose I've found doing something I love. It really is ok to take a chance.
It's been a great week. I've had so much going on that I haven't taken the time to write. God is adding so much to my life, and it's in the little twists and turns that I never really expect that I see him moving the most. It's *never* like I thought it was going to be.
This past weekend I got to fulfill a long term goal: I did the training to become a U-Jam instructor. If you've never heard of U-Jam, you probably have seen people at the gym in classes, dancing their little tookuses off, sweating and smiling and burning about a million calories. The person up at the front is who I am training to be. My life has been freakishly changed by this type of class, and U-Jam in particular. U-Jam is a fitness dance class using world beats, so it's got hip-hop, Latin, Reggae, jazz, top 40...pretty much anything awesome and current. I wear a heart rate monitor in class and I usually burn between 500 and 700 calories. Not bad for an hour of fun!
To be honest, I was dreading this training. I am now almost 100% sure that everyone has the same doubts and worries as I do concerning his own limits and fears. "Will I be good enough?" "Will anyone want to come to my classes?" "Will I know what to say?" "Do I have the talent?" Sound familiar? Those questions go across the board to all humans. Self doubt is pretty rampant, if we are honest, and there are personally many things I've talked myself out of doing in my life because I thought I wasn't good enough. Yikes!
Well, this wasn't one of those times!
For two days we sweated our butts off, smiled, learned how to cue and pump up a class, worked on swag, talked about fitness, had amazing laughs and just kept going till we were done! I'm so glad I did this and I'm so glad that I am one step close to teaching.
I've got another hurdle to jump: my video assessment, and I'll be doing that soon. Until then I can bask in the glow of the fellowship and purpose I've found doing something I love. It really is ok to take a chance.
Friday, April 3, 2015
Good Friday
If Good Friday feels "not good", it's because of the Deep Magic. This is where things work backwards. How could the Son of God dying be a good thing? How could the only sinless person being punished for sin be good? The giver of Life retreating into Death and being defeated seem like a loss for everyone. They seem like a whole lot of BAD. So how could this be good? Sometimes God works in the exact opposite way that it seems like He should. There are a lot of backwards things in the world, and today is only the beginning. I am free and pardoned, therefore I call this day Good.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
My Curmudgeonly Take on Facebook News Page
I'm a normal Facebook user. I see things in my feed from friends, acquaintances, business contacts, and a few pages which I follow. I recently unfollowed or "unliked" (still can't get into that term) the Facebook page for my local news station here in my hometown. Do I still actually like (hold them in esteem, friendship, and respect) this news station? Sure I do! But I couldn't stand the way they were running their Facebook page! I was seeing posts such as "Holy Yoga arson, Batman" (a woman sets fire to a yoga studio), "Selfie Fail" (a man takes a picture with a burning building), and this:
This constant stream of "new style" updates coupled with the inane comments that I would read for some reason (never read the comments if you want to maintain any faith in humanity) led my my unfollowing the page and just having to get my news the old fashioned way.
THOUGHTS? Eva Mendes recently had heartthrob Ryan Gosling’s baby. When asked if she wears comfortable pants around the house, the actress told Extra:
“You can’t do sweatpants. … No, ladies, number one cause of divorce in America, sweatpants, no!”
This constant stream of "new style" updates coupled with the inane comments that I would read for some reason (never read the comments if you want to maintain any faith in humanity) led my my unfollowing the page and just having to get my news the old fashioned way.
I know that I'm probably an old fashioned fuddy duddy. But whats the point of being a bit of a curmudgeon if you can't have a good rant now and then about the news? I want my news to be written like someone with a journalism degree. I want to see a difference between Buzzfeed (good Lord!) and my local news station. I want to see some level of decorum and seriousness to the tone of how the news is presented.
Many would argue and get into the fact that the news is rigged, only reports things of a certain political slant, etc. Of course it is. I'm mainly talking about a cultural aesthetic. There are some things that we, as a culture, hold in a high esteem. Whether this is good or bad is not what I'm saying. But it can't always be Casual Friday in our culture. There are some things which command or demand a bit of starch in our shirts, softer voices; more thoughtful words. Funerals are one of those things. Even heathens know that there's something about funerals which makes us act differently than we do when we play XBox.
When I lived in the UK for 6 months, I picked up on the fact that most of their newspapers looked like our American tabloids. They had sort of a sleazy feel to them, and that was even the most respected ones. I may not like the politics of the New York Times, but that paper is respected and respectable. It feels classy, almost scholarly, and like I'm really holding a newspaper in my hand when I pick it up. I can almost guarantee you that their papers started out just as respectable as ours did. It's a gradual cultural slide into the toilet bowl if no one stops it.
My local news channel still maintains the on-air seriousness that you would expect from a local news station. But it's the Facebook page that suffers. It is probably run by some intern barely out of diapers, almost finished with some dorky degree he's getting. He writes headlines for the Facebook page while checking his Instagram and KiK with the other hand, between slurps of Starbucks. He's just a product of his culture. So am I. So are you.
But let's try to be mindful. We make the culture by how we act, react, and the attitudes we teach our kids. Let's figure out a way to "set some levels" in how we regard life. It's not all the same.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Jammin'
I've had a spectacular week so far.
Standing up for myself has proved to be really confidence-building. I must remember this for next time.
On Monday I was taking a nap and my phone rang and woke me up. It was the associate producer at one of the theatres where I auditioned this week asking me to come for a callback. Total surprise, and I'm walking on air thinking about it! I expect nothing, but it's a really fun script and I had a total blast preparing for the first audition. So I'm looking forward to that...yay!
I am getting close to doing my instructor training for U-Jam Fitness. This is a big step for me, as I've been dancing this format for 3 years and totally love it. I see how happy it makes me, puts a smile on my face, burns a ton of calories, and makes me feel great the rest of the day. I want to share that with people. Fitness instructors change lives and that is something I definitely want to do.
(If you didn't know, which you probably don't, I weigh about 40 pounds less than I did in college. I did it slow and steady, over a long period of caring about myself and my weight, getting help with my depression, growing up a lot, and learning how to eat and exercise. You can do it too!)
I should be doing the training in the next month or so, and it will be the start of the steps to get certified to teach. Yes!
I'm singing a lot over the next week for Holy Week at church.
Anglicans do the whole thing, and do it up right, bells and whistles and all! I should probably blog about each day as it comes. I never knew the depth and richness of this liturgical tradition until I started singing at this church. I grew up Baptist and we sort of gave Anglicans the side-eyed sneer and ignored them. I'm so glad this church gig fell into my lap at a time when I so needed God to plant me somewhere. That's another blog post for another day.
I hope you are having a good week. It's the middle of Lent...but Easter is just around the corner. Don't forget that :)
Standing up for myself has proved to be really confidence-building. I must remember this for next time.
On Monday I was taking a nap and my phone rang and woke me up. It was the associate producer at one of the theatres where I auditioned this week asking me to come for a callback. Total surprise, and I'm walking on air thinking about it! I expect nothing, but it's a really fun script and I had a total blast preparing for the first audition. So I'm looking forward to that...yay!
I am getting close to doing my instructor training for U-Jam Fitness. This is a big step for me, as I've been dancing this format for 3 years and totally love it. I see how happy it makes me, puts a smile on my face, burns a ton of calories, and makes me feel great the rest of the day. I want to share that with people. Fitness instructors change lives and that is something I definitely want to do.
(If you didn't know, which you probably don't, I weigh about 40 pounds less than I did in college. I did it slow and steady, over a long period of caring about myself and my weight, getting help with my depression, growing up a lot, and learning how to eat and exercise. You can do it too!)
I should be doing the training in the next month or so, and it will be the start of the steps to get certified to teach. Yes!
I'm singing a lot over the next week for Holy Week at church.
Anglicans do the whole thing, and do it up right, bells and whistles and all! I should probably blog about each day as it comes. I never knew the depth and richness of this liturgical tradition until I started singing at this church. I grew up Baptist and we sort of gave Anglicans the side-eyed sneer and ignored them. I'm so glad this church gig fell into my lap at a time when I so needed God to plant me somewhere. That's another blog post for another day.
I hope you are having a good week. It's the middle of Lent...but Easter is just around the corner. Don't forget that :)
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Come at me, bro
Come at me, bro.
No, seriously. You had me pretty upset yesterday, my ANON (as you shall now be called). You had me in tears, heart pounding, and very upset. I guess that's what you wanted. Congrats!
Here's the bad news: writing a letter to someone under the guise of an anonymous account is bad. It's cowardly. It's really kind of a rotten thing to do! But probably the MOST serious thing is that you couched it in Christian terms under the cover of "I'm only saying this in Christian love".
Love? Shall we?
From my favorite ESV translation of 1st Corinthians 13 -
4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant
5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love? Love is GREAT stuff! Love is full of hope and wants the best for people. Love doesn't tear down. Love endures and carries on and is kind. Love doesn't hide in a foxhole and snipe people while wearing a disguise.
There was no Christian love in what you said.
And I'm not gonna "get over it".
Since you read my twitter account, you know a lot of my weaknesses, and decided to use them against me. Guess what? I'm a growing, wounded, working through it daughter of God! I've had some hard times which I've shared. I've had some harder ones that I can't bring myself to share. And that's okay. God knows these things, and HE alone is my judge. Not you. So while you may derive some fine pleasure from setting up a Kangaroo Court here with your anonymous comments, God sees that, too. He gets to judge. Not you, not me. I don't know all of your sins, and I'm fine with that. Because God is working on you, too. Let Him speak to you...work through it! It's what we all have to do.
So while you upset me yesterday, it wasn't forever.
I realized that I want to act in LOVE and not as a coward.
I want to be HONEST which I have been, and not fake.
I want to be GROWING and experience the PAIN of growing, not of sniping people for where they are.
I want to continue in the GOOD THINGS that God has given me, and now worry about other people so much.
Look at yourself. Ask God to show you LOVE, because you need it!
To my regular readers:
I've come too far in my journey with God to be so upset by internet cowards. They are everywhere, guys. I realized yesterday how it terrible it must be to have a huge, painful secret that isn't allowable for discussion in social circles.
To be Christian and think you are gay.
To be suicidal.
To struggle with intense depression.
To have failed your family.
To have an eating disorder.
To injure yourself.
Boy, those are heavy things! I've dealt with a few of them. At times I felt I had no one to talk to except the (anonymous) internet. And I *had* to be anonymous. Because if anyone ever found out I struggled, I thought they would pile layer upon layer of heavy judgement on me and make it worse. And I was right. This blog so far has been about my struggles in my own life with the depression that comes from really going out on a limb in the performing arts...to really GO for it. And it's hard. And it's depressing. And God has been faithful.
And I tried to write my honest feelings here. And boy was I punished for it.
I know so many who struggle turn to anonymous blogs or Twitter accounts or social media as a way to let out their feelings and cry for help. They don't want their families to know. They don't want their churches or schools to know.
Isn't that sad? These are the social structures which God has given us for support, and we are terrified to use them. We fear judgement. We fear someone finding out how sinful we really are. I wish we could all see each other naked, in body and soul. Then we'd see how ugly and disgusting and real we all are, how gross and terrible are our sins, and how we need Jesus desperately.
Maybe we'd be a little kinder to each other.
So here's my pledge; I'm going to continue to be real and honest here. I'm not going to be a coward. I'm not going to tell you about my life as much, because I need to put up a boundary and a safeguard against jerks like the one who attacked me yesterday. But I also need to share my thoughts and feelings.
Know that this is a safe place for you if you want to share. I won't attack you. I will try to offer love and support. God knows I need it.
So, ANON, nice try. Your mission from Satan has failed (even though you probably didn't realize that is what it was). I'm still here, and stronger than ever. And Jesus is with me. Better look elsewhere for your trolling adventures. I'm here to stay.
No, seriously. You had me pretty upset yesterday, my ANON (as you shall now be called). You had me in tears, heart pounding, and very upset. I guess that's what you wanted. Congrats!
Here's the bad news: writing a letter to someone under the guise of an anonymous account is bad. It's cowardly. It's really kind of a rotten thing to do! But probably the MOST serious thing is that you couched it in Christian terms under the cover of "I'm only saying this in Christian love".
Love? Shall we?
From my favorite ESV translation of 1st Corinthians 13 -
4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant
5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love? Love is GREAT stuff! Love is full of hope and wants the best for people. Love doesn't tear down. Love endures and carries on and is kind. Love doesn't hide in a foxhole and snipe people while wearing a disguise.
There was no Christian love in what you said.
And I'm not gonna "get over it".
Since you read my twitter account, you know a lot of my weaknesses, and decided to use them against me. Guess what? I'm a growing, wounded, working through it daughter of God! I've had some hard times which I've shared. I've had some harder ones that I can't bring myself to share. And that's okay. God knows these things, and HE alone is my judge. Not you. So while you may derive some fine pleasure from setting up a Kangaroo Court here with your anonymous comments, God sees that, too. He gets to judge. Not you, not me. I don't know all of your sins, and I'm fine with that. Because God is working on you, too. Let Him speak to you...work through it! It's what we all have to do.
So while you upset me yesterday, it wasn't forever.
I realized that I want to act in LOVE and not as a coward.
I want to be HONEST which I have been, and not fake.
I want to be GROWING and experience the PAIN of growing, not of sniping people for where they are.
I want to continue in the GOOD THINGS that God has given me, and now worry about other people so much.
Look at yourself. Ask God to show you LOVE, because you need it!
To my regular readers:
I've come too far in my journey with God to be so upset by internet cowards. They are everywhere, guys. I realized yesterday how it terrible it must be to have a huge, painful secret that isn't allowable for discussion in social circles.
To be Christian and think you are gay.
To be suicidal.
To struggle with intense depression.
To have failed your family.
To have an eating disorder.
To injure yourself.
Boy, those are heavy things! I've dealt with a few of them. At times I felt I had no one to talk to except the (anonymous) internet. And I *had* to be anonymous. Because if anyone ever found out I struggled, I thought they would pile layer upon layer of heavy judgement on me and make it worse. And I was right. This blog so far has been about my struggles in my own life with the depression that comes from really going out on a limb in the performing arts...to really GO for it. And it's hard. And it's depressing. And God has been faithful.
And I tried to write my honest feelings here. And boy was I punished for it.
I know so many who struggle turn to anonymous blogs or Twitter accounts or social media as a way to let out their feelings and cry for help. They don't want their families to know. They don't want their churches or schools to know.
Isn't that sad? These are the social structures which God has given us for support, and we are terrified to use them. We fear judgement. We fear someone finding out how sinful we really are. I wish we could all see each other naked, in body and soul. Then we'd see how ugly and disgusting and real we all are, how gross and terrible are our sins, and how we need Jesus desperately.
Maybe we'd be a little kinder to each other.
So here's my pledge; I'm going to continue to be real and honest here. I'm not going to be a coward. I'm not going to tell you about my life as much, because I need to put up a boundary and a safeguard against jerks like the one who attacked me yesterday. But I also need to share my thoughts and feelings.
Know that this is a safe place for you if you want to share. I won't attack you. I will try to offer love and support. God knows I need it.
So, ANON, nice try. Your mission from Satan has failed (even though you probably didn't realize that is what it was). I'm still here, and stronger than ever. And Jesus is with me. Better look elsewhere for your trolling adventures. I'm here to stay.
Saturday, March 21, 2015
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