A Second Chance

I thought my world had come to a crashing halt a few days ago.

Things got rocky.  Really rocky.  I didn't see a way out.  It less than fun.

I was thinking back on 10 years ago when I had a horrible breakup about this time of year.  I got so depressed that I stopped going to work for a few weeks.  I would sit at home on my couch, all clinched up.  I was so incapacitated by anxiety and depression that I could barely breathe.  Or eat.  I lost weight (I liked that part!).  But life was grey and dark and I didn't see much of a reason to live it.

This time wasn't like that.  The world got dark for a few days.  But I realized, and my mom pointed out to me, how much stronger I am, now.  Granted, I'm ten years older.  But I'm tougher.  I got up, scrubbed my face and went to work, sans makeup.  I taught my voice lessons.  I went to bed and got up the next day and did the same thing.  Between those things there was a lot of crying.  The were was a lot of steering wheel gripping and whispering "God help me" as I put on my cheery voice and face for the next voice student coming in for a lesson.  But I kept going.  This is a big step for me.  I didn't let emotional turmoil take over my life. 

And in that vein, I'm kind of done with emotional turmoil.

I've thought a lot about it.  Growing up incredibly scarred by such a rough relationship with my dad, emotional turmoil has been my comfort blanket.  It feels safe.  It feels like home.  Crying and not knowing what to do is just that...it's not doing anything.  It's putting energy into not doing.  It's diverting away from facing the real problems of pain, disappointment, hurt, broken friendships, breakups, getting fired, etc.  And putting it into harming myself and those around me with a deluge of tears and anger.  It's not pretty, and I'm not pretty when I do it.  

The cool thing is that I have a choice, now.  I have tools to help me, now.  I have a way out.  

It doesn't have to FEEL like there is a way out for there to BE a way out.

It doesn't have to feel right to be right.

It doesn't have to feel right to be the truth.

If it feels like the end, it isn't always the end.

I don't need to self-destruct because the world will try hard to destroy me anyway.  I don't need to help it.

There is a man who I love, dearly.

And I harden my heart to him when I'm afraid.

I get angry when things don't go the exact way I want them to.

I close myself off to him when he messes up.

I try so hard to protect myself and get defensive when I get hurt.

When all the while, his love, kindness, forgiveness, hugs, and presence are the very things I need.  Emotional turmoil hurts me, but it also hurts him.  I am so angry at myself for reverting to this stupid childhood technique of coping with abuse.  He's not abusing me!  But when I feel hurt, I cover up with things that don't protect me.  Things that hurt both of us more.

For the very first time in my LIFE, today, I felt the healing of Jesus.

I have begged Jesus for years to heal my heart.

To heal my hurt.

To heal my brokenness.

To heal the ways I try to cope that hurt me.

To stop the crying.

To stop me from being hurt by friends and family.

And it never seemed to help.

So this horrible time I've been through the past fews days left me terrified that I was going to lose the very thing that I love.  It made me more scared and angry and just...an emotional hurricane.  And I heard Jesus asking me, once again, to trust Him.  I guess what?  I opened up just a teeny tiny bit and let go of my pride.  Just a bit.  Seriously..not much.  I'm NOT good at this trust thing.  And Jesus reset my heart.  I stopped crying.  I felt calm for the first time in days.  I felt like I got a second chance to love Him.  And to love Christopher.  And to love myself. 

I am NOT patting myself on the back.  At all.  Please don't think I am! 

I really am not good at this stuff and I hope I don't fall into sadness again.  But I want to praise Jesus for helping me in a supernatural way, and I hope He does it some more.  And I hope I'm not too broken to love.  I hope that I can just be calm and happy and mature.  And that God will prevail even though I'm a beginner in being merciful and trusting.  A beginner has gone farther than a skeptic.  

I volunteer to take another step, if Jesus will have me.  

Jammin'

I've had a spectacular week so far.

Standing up for myself has proved to be really confidence-building.  I must remember this for next time.

On Monday I was taking a nap and my phone rang and woke me up.  It was the associate producer at one of the theatres where I auditioned this week asking me to come for a callback.  Total surprise, and I'm walking on air thinking about it!  I expect nothing, but it's a really fun script and I had a total blast preparing for the first audition.  So I'm looking forward to that...yay!

I am getting close to doing my instructor training for U-Jam Fitness.  This is a big step for me, as I've been dancing this format for 3 years and totally love it.  I see how happy it makes me, puts a smile on my face, burns a ton of calories, and makes me feel great the rest of the day.  I want to share that with people.  Fitness instructors change lives and that is something I definitely want to do.

(If you didn't know, which you probably don't, I weigh about 40 pounds less than I did in college.  I did it slow and steady, over a long period of caring about myself and my weight, getting help with my depression, growing up a lot, and learning how to eat and exercise.  You can do it too!)

I should be doing the training in the next month or so, and it will be the start of the steps to get certified to teach.  Yes!

I'm singing a lot over the next week for Holy Week at church.
Anglicans do the whole thing, and do it up right, bells and whistles and all!  I should probably blog about each day as it comes.  I never knew the depth and richness of this liturgical tradition until I started singing at this church.  I grew up Baptist and we sort of gave Anglicans the side-eyed sneer and ignored them.  I'm so glad this church gig fell into my lap at a time when I so needed God to plant me somewhere.  That's another blog post for another day.

I hope you are having a good week.  It's the middle of Lent...but Easter is just around the corner.  Don't forget that :)

Come at me, bro

Come at me, bro.

No, seriously.  You had me pretty upset yesterday, my ANON (as you shall now be called).  You had me in tears, heart pounding, and very upset.  I guess that's what you wanted.  Congrats!

Here's the bad news:  writing a letter to someone under the guise of an anonymous account is bad.  It's cowardly.  It's really kind of a rotten thing to do!  But probably the MOST serious thing is that you couched it in Christian terms under the cover of "I'm only saying this in Christian love".

Love?  Shall we?

From my favorite ESV translation of 1st Corinthians 13 -

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 
5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 
7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love?  Love is GREAT stuff!  Love is full of hope and wants the best for people.  Love doesn't tear down.  Love endures and carries on and is kind.  Love doesn't hide in a foxhole and snipe people while wearing a disguise.

There was no Christian love in what you said.

And I'm not gonna "get over it".
Since you read my twitter account, you know a lot of my weaknesses, and decided to use them against me.  Guess what?  I'm a growing, wounded, working through it daughter of God!  I've had some hard times which I've shared.  I've had some harder ones that I can't bring myself to share.  And that's okay.  God knows these things, and HE alone is my judge.  Not you.  So while you may derive some fine pleasure from setting up a Kangaroo Court here with your anonymous comments, God sees that, too.  He gets to judge.  Not you, not me.  I don't know all of your sins, and I'm fine with that.  Because God is working on you, too.  Let Him speak to you...work through it!  It's what we all have to do.

So while you upset me yesterday, it wasn't forever.
I realized that I want to act in LOVE and not as a coward.
I want to be HONEST which I have been, and not fake.
I want to be GROWING and experience the PAIN of growing, not of sniping people for where they are.
I want to continue in the GOOD THINGS that God has given me, and now worry about other people so much.
Look at yourself.  Ask God to show you LOVE, because you need it!

To my regular readers:
I've come too far in my journey with God to be so upset by internet cowards.  They are everywhere, guys.  I realized yesterday how it terrible it must be to have a huge, painful secret that isn't allowable for discussion in social circles.

To be Christian and think you are gay.
To be suicidal.
To struggle with intense depression.
To have failed your family.
To have an eating disorder.
To injure yourself.

Boy, those are heavy things!  I've dealt with a few of them.  At times I felt I had no one to talk to except the (anonymous) internet.  And I *had* to be anonymous.  Because if anyone ever found out I struggled, I thought they would pile layer upon layer of heavy judgement on me and make it worse.  And I was right.  This blog so far has been about my struggles in my own life with the depression that comes from really going out on a limb in the performing arts...to really GO for it.  And it's hard.  And it's depressing.  And God has been faithful.

And I tried to write my honest feelings here.  And boy was I punished for it.

I know so many who struggle turn to anonymous blogs or Twitter accounts or social media as a way to let out their feelings and cry for help.  They don't want their families to know.  They don't want their churches or schools to know.

Isn't that sad?  These are the social structures which God has given us for support, and we are terrified to use them.  We fear judgement.  We fear someone finding out how sinful we really are.  I wish we could all see each other naked, in body and soul.  Then we'd see how ugly and disgusting and real we all are, how gross and terrible are our sins, and how we need Jesus desperately.

Maybe we'd be a little kinder to each other.

So here's my pledge;  I'm going to continue to be real and honest here.  I'm not going to be a coward.  I'm not going to tell you about my life as much, because I need to put up a boundary and a safeguard against jerks like the one who attacked me yesterday.  But I also need to share my thoughts and feelings.
Know that this is a safe place for you if you want to share.  I won't attack you.  I will try to offer love and support.  God knows I need it.

So, ANON,  nice try.  Your mission from Satan has failed (even though you probably didn't realize that is what it was).  I'm still here, and stronger than ever.  And Jesus is with me.  Better look elsewhere for your trolling adventures.  I'm here to stay.