I am going to write about my miscarriages a little bit. If that offends you or you'd rather not read, consider this your warning. Nothing gross will be discussed.
In case you missed it: I have now had two back-to-back miscarriages. The first was the very last day of July. The second was the very last day of December. Both were different. Both were awful. I am not healed yet, either physically or mentally. I am still registering as pregnant on the HCG test, which is like a gut punch to see every time I get blood drawn.
I have shared about my miscarriages a bit in a few Facebook groups in I'm, and on Twitter and Instagram. I haven't shared on my Facebook timeline. I'm not completely sure why, but I just feel like being more private because of the wider audience and number of acquaintances I have.
One FB group is a group of INTJs. INTJs are personality type on the Myers-Briggs assortment of personality types. They tend to be analytical, able to discuss things with more thinking than emotion, and introverted. Fun fact: Mr. Darcy is often typed as an INTJ, for people who are into that sort of thing.
We were discussing dating, waiting for marriage for sex, and standards in general. The discussion from a few girls who are now into their 30s ranged from being horrified by the low number of good men there seem to be left in dating pool. Some said they'd prefer a virgin, since they'd saved their own virginity for marriage. A few said they wanted a virgin but have given up finding a guy who had waited. Some said they didn't care.
I interjected, as my dumb self often does, my strong opinions about this matter. I think everyone should have high standards, and that NO one should settle for something less than they want. I say this realizing I didn't get married till my 30s, knowing full well that this kind of time spent brings years of lonely nights, sadness, depression, and feeling hopeless about finding a husband. Believe me...I know.
I also pointed out that in theory, we shouldn't have a different standard for men than women along the lines of virginity. I was able to wait for marriage to have sex. Why can't a guy? I'm not talking about non-Christian guys. I'm talking about boys raised in church by good families. Sometimes it's like sex was so taboo that no one ever talked about it...and the excuse is "well, I knew deep down it was wrong, but since no one ever talked about it I did it anyway". If you know me, you know I hate this with a passion. People should talk about things, especially things that will affect the rest of their lives both emotionally, physically...could bring a child into the world, or give them a disease. Freaking talk about it!
Some incredibly cruel person (a man with something like 18 kids) decided to tell me that my standards were too high. He said that I could brag about waiting for marriage if I wanted to, but that he had to bring up the obvious: that I "wasted my most fertile years waiting for a virgin guy to marry". And that my miscarriages were a sad reminder of that. I had "gotten what I wanted, but now had to pay for it".
I was livid. I have never in my life had someone be this cruel to me about two of the most vulnerable things I can think of. 1. My being single so long and marrying later in life and 2. Having my first three children die before birth. I was so upset that I was shaking. He did eventually apologize, but I ended up blocking him so I will never have to interact with him again. (He's a Christian by the way. Teaches marriage prep at his church. I hope that's not part of his advice!)
So the issue is this: Everything is a trade off. I know this. But can we really expect people to live holy lives if we tell them that they must hurry to get married so they can have lots of kids? Or on the flip side: If we wait for someone who truly connects with us on both a romantic and godly level, is it worth not having as many kids because of it?
I was a very damaged person. I had no sense of who I was or how to relate to men. I dated men over and over who were extremely talented and impressive on paper, but who couldn't stand up to being a good man in a relationship with me. I wasn't attracted to the right type of men. I was in therapy for years to help myself overcome my childhood. In the end, I think God got around my barriers in spite of myself. None of this was my fault and I tried desperately to be emotionally healthy because I knew I wasn't.
Was I "wasting my fertility" by doing this?
What kind of mother would I have been? What kind of wife? I am almost positive that marrying an earlier match would have ended in a terribly heartbreaking divorce. So what then? Was it just not God's will for me to have children?
Three things I take away from this:
1. This guy is an A-hole. No one should say things like that. To ANYONE.
2. I did the best I could. People around me are doing the best they can. If someone is trying, give her credit!
3. God is a God of surprises.
That last one is the best. God is sometimes sneaky. My marriage is living proof of this. (Gosh, I love him). Maybe I'll have a child, yet. If I do, it will be a miracle. Not because I was good enough, or was a virgin till marriage, or got married young or old or was in the church or out of the church. But because God is good.
God is good.
That's all I have to hold onto, so I'm holding on tight.
For still the vision awaits its appointed time;
it hastens to the end—it will not lie.
If it seems slow, wait for it;
it will surely come; it will not delay.
Habakkuk 2:3
