Clomid is my friend

 Hey again -

Update from last time.  Clomid worked (again...at the higher dosage with the neurological side effects).  I'm 17 weeks and 5 days pregnant.  Crazy miraculous stuff.

Emotionally, blogging or telling people has been like walking in quicksand.  It's the drag of all the previous losses pulling me down, sucking away my potential joy.  It's tough to be happy when you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Terrible attitude to have for a momma!  But here we are.  

I'm thinking about all the New Years resolutions I should make.  Really I should stop looking at Facebook completely, except I use it for Mary Kay now.  I just find myself flooded with anger so constantly.  

There is a family thing which has gone completely and utterly beyond the pail of causing anger.  It causes rage.  It's basically like...relationship ending stuff.  Have you ever had that...sorta of..."how do I move on from this" thing happen based on someone else's choices that affect you and will continue to affect you forever?  I wish blogging was anonymous like it used to be in the good old days of Xanga, so I could totally write out the facts of what happened.  Heh.  Then I know I'd get lots of "you should feel this way: XYZ".  

Please don't ever tell someone how they should feel.  It's so tone deaf.

As we drag into the 3rd year of this "pandemic", I hope everyone learning to question the government and think for yourselves.  It will serve you well in the future. 

Clomid is not my friend

Clomid and I have parted ways.

It was the first med my first doctor put me on, way back in 2018 when I started trying to get pregnant with the help of meds.  I was on the lowest dose and it just gave me hormonal side effects.  Also didn't get pregnant.  

Fast forward to now.  My last pregnancy, in April, I took Clomid at a high dose for 2 days.  It was supposed to be 5 days, layered with FSH, but I started having visual hallucinations (seeing trails on everything) right when I woke up.  I stopped it immediately and got pregnant that cycle.

We tried it again this cycle and after the first day I got tinnitus in my right ear.  I stopped after one day and just did FSH shots for 4 more days.  I went back in yesterday for a follicle scan and I needed a boost, so we did two days of letrozole.  

The grand science fair project that is my fertility. 

Jenny

I won't write about me, here.
Or how I lost my 5th baby at 8 weeks.  I will, though...don't worry.  It's been a month now, and it's too painful to put words on the screen about it. 

We've had another loss come to us, and this time it's a friend.  Her name was Jenny.
I have so many words swimming around in my head that I need to get out.  One blog post won't do it justice.  I've been drowning my sorrows in old VHS tapes...us in high school.  Us in Italy.  Us on stage together.  Us singing.  

I wasn't a big part of her life.  But she was a big part of mine.  She stood for something to me...something I could never be or have.  She was like an ideal.  Like an angel to me.  That sounds weird, but it's really not.  You looked up to someone in high school, too, I bet.  Jenny was so engrained in everything for those three formative years that it still haunts me to think about it.  She was sunshine...pure sunshine.  You can tell from the videos of her.  Her hair even looked like sunshine.  Pure and bright and golden.

And there was me - dark, brooding, quiet.  Sour looking.  So serious all the time.  I was shocked at how unhappy I looked in the videos today.  I knew I felt a deep emptiness inside me, but I didn't know I projected it so much.  I have a lot of soul searching that I want to do.  

But anyway...it's about her.  I miss her, even though we haven't talked for several years.  She was a bright light in everything.  

5 weeks, 5 days pregnant

Hello my friends,

Just an update.  I am pregnant 😀😀😀! I've known for two weeks now.  I've had four HCG betas and the numbers are rising.  The next step is a first ultrasound which is today.  Ordinary pregnant people don't get them this early, but I am special.  

Of course, I am nervous out of my skin about this ultrasound.  The only other time any of my pregnancies has gotten to the ultrasound stage, we went in wanting to see the baby only to be devastated to learn that it was a blighted ovum (it took 3 ultrasounds and 3 weeks to finalize this diagnosis).  Devastating.  Of course, every pregnancy is a new event and my symptoms are stronger this time than ever.  This pregnancy has already gone longer than two of mine, so we are hopeful. 

Please pray for us.  The appointment is at 1:30 Central Time, today.  I really hope we get to leave with a beautiful picture of our tiny little miracle.  In any case, we throw ourselves upon the mercy of God and his care.  

Pro-Life Shock Value and the Miscarrying Mom

 I have a unique perspective.  Maybe it's not really that unique, considering 1 in 4 women have a miscarriage at some point in their lives.  I've had 3 miscarriages, all in the span of one year, so the emotional impact of this hits me pretty hard, and I think that is understandable.  

I am Catholic and I am also 100% pro-life.  You would think those two things would be synonymous, but it is sadly something I must clarify due to current leadership who loudly wave the Catholic flag and yet fully support abortion.  But I digress.  

Around this time of year, there is much talk about supporting life, as the March For Life (was supposed to) happens at this time.  Lots of people do good things such as post their support for the unborn on social media, images of the unborn and the like.  It is good to support good things.  

But by golly it stings.  Seeing images of newborn babies, ultrasounds of the unborn, talking about making "the womb into a tomb" for those who have abortions, etc...freaking hurts.  It hurts my raw emotions.  My brain knows that my dead children are not the same as dead children lost to abortion.  But seeing those ultrasounds and all the macabre shock value pictures...yowza.  It's like a gut punch to someone who isn't your intended victim. 

I am a mother begging for God to give me just one child to hold.  Just one to somehow survive the horror house that is apparently my womb.  There are so many like me.  Please think twice before you hit send on that noble pro-life post that is meant to shock and shame those who support abortion.  There are silent ones who get caught in the cross fire.  

New Orleans and Merry Christmas!

 After singing a ton on Christmas Eve, and attending church on Christmas day, we went to New Orleans to see our Jesuit friends there.  Though Texas is next to Louisiana on the map, it's about an 8 hour drive from Dallas to New Orleans.  That's why we haven't gone sooner.

I always have the first Wed/Sunday after Christmas Day off from church choir, so we took the opportunity to go on Sunday, Dec. 27th.  We made it in time for mass at the Baronne Street Jesuit church where my friend Fr. Sean Salai was saying mass.  I've been spoiled to not having to wear a mask at mass (I LOVE that my church takes advantage of the mask mandate exceptions!)  People in NOLA seem to love their masks, indeed.  

We ate a ton of good food while there, as you can imagine.  I heard an accent which I thought sounded like it was from Brooklyn, but was told that it was a "Yat" accent which is native to NOLA and slowly dying out among the younger people.  Very strange. After that I realized I don't understand much about New Orleans at all.  It seems like its own thing - its own country.  And that's okay.  America needs to hold onto the dregs of culture that mainstream conglomeration tries to squeeze from it. 

Hunter made a new friend.  My friend who I met in Berkley, Fr. David.  He and Hunter hit it off :)  David is truly one of the smartest people I know, and one of the few who will discuss St. Thomas Aquinas and then practice the sword dance from Brigadoon with me in the span of 10 min.  

We saw some beautiful churches which always makes me think "why can't we have nice things in Dallas?"

One of the best things was how this Catholic city still has all their Christmas decorations up!  They understand that Christmas is still going (and going...and going...)  I loved it!  We drove through a light display in the park and went and saw this elaborate train setup at the mall.  

It was depressing to come home and see that most people here had taken down their Christmas decorations even before New Year's Day.  Come on, people!  We will be that annoying Catholic family on your street with our house decked out until February.