This isn't how I wanted to announce this

I've been keeping this (mostly) to myself, because I'm a fairly logical person.  Logical and conventional...boring, traditional.  You know the type.

Apparently, you aren't supposed to announce your pregnancy till the 2nd trimester.  And for good reason.  I remember seeing someone's play-by-play of having a miscarriage on Facebook and being shocked (not in a good way).  Like overkill shocked.  Like I didn't want to know all that.  Makes sense, even though most people are nicer than me and wouldn't think that.  Maybe.

But guys, I'm there again.  I'm pregnant, again.  I have known for over a month.  I was so happy.  We were so happy.  I was overjoyed and there were no miscarriage symptoms.  I've just been gaining weight, having super human smell, sore breasts, and a hard time keeping my breath when I work out or climb stairs.

Cue the first ultrasound at 6 weeks.  I have no idea why we went in this early, but we did.
And the tech's face fell.  He was pretty much like "Oh my gosh...it's SO small".
This apparently happens sometimes when you are not as far along as you thought.  But I track my cycle, I know exactly when I ovulated, and it doesn't make sense to be that far off.

So they tell us to come back in a week for another ultrasound which will show if things are viable or not.  And the baby has grown! It's grown, but not enough.  And now they see two.  Twins.
Two tiny little gestational sacs, but no embryos yet.  This far along we should see something.  But I have to come back in another week.

So two weeks of waiting limbo...two weeks of not knowing if I'm going to actually be a mom this time.  Taking my vitamins and avoiding everything I'm supposed to avoid.  And not telling people I'm pregnant, because you aren't supposed to do that.

And suddenly, it's tomorrow.  I'm going in tomorrow to see if my little twin babies are going to make it.  I can't tell you how much anxiety and depression I'm feeling right now.  Part of me doesn't want to know at all...just to go along with the pregnancy and hope for the best.  I don't even know what compels me to write this other than I'm so scared that these babies will pass away and no one will ever know they existed.

I don't understand any of this.
I am sad and scared.
I don't want to lose not one, but two babies this time.
This isn't fair.
Life isn't fair.
No one said it was supposed to be...but it's so hard to see pregnant women lumbering around so easily.  With other kids in tow...and here's me...not even showing yet, and terrified I won't be pregnant much longer.

God have mercy on me.  If you can spare a prayer for me, please do.  I'm a mess.

Waiting and Watching

...That's what Advent is all about, right?

And that's where I am these days.  I have a lot going on and a lot to say, but I'm holding back for now.  Please pray for me if you get a chance.  God knows why.

It's a lovely, lazy Saturday here at our cozy little home.  I'm so happy to be here with my hubby.  We are still in our pajamas, playing games and watching movies.  It's idyllic. 

Someone needs to do the housework, eventually.

My miscarriage

I've started to write this post multiple times, and each time I've hit a mental roadblock.  In things like this it's some times best to just say it and not try to be wordy or clever.  So here it is:

I've had a miscarriage.

Why do I feel the need to publically say this?  I have always felt a little iffy toward people who share this very private sad thing with the world, almost as if it's too intimate let it out to non-family and close friends.  So why am I now doing it?

Because I had no idea how hard this early miscarriage would hit me, and how alone I would feel.  I don't have a huge support system, especially in the summer when I'm not working.  I have my precious husband and very close family and a few friends, but that's all.  I've been comforted with things when sharing it which have been very comforting and helpful.  I've also been told some unhelpful things, such as "lots of people have this happen to them", "you should smile, because God wants you to be happy".  But mostly it's deafening silence and loneliness. 

My pregnancy wasn't very far along, at all,  but it was still my baby.  It was still a life.  It was still a child I will never get to hold.  This was my first pregnancy.  The roller coaster of that first few days of elation when finding out, only to be crushed with worry and then utter heartbreak later.

I am very depressed, especially since my husband went back to work the day after the miscarriage occured.  I am still home for two weeks before I start teaching again.  I am trying so hard to stay busy and get things done, but I'm having a hard time.  I'm very hopeful that I will get pregnant again, since this was so soon after my surgery.  But there's always that fear: that nagging feeling that this was the only time and that I'll never have a child. 

I've placed myself in Jesus' hands and He has never let me down. 
If you please could say a prayer for me, I would much appreciate it. 

My little saint in Heaven - Aug 3rd, 2019

Operating Table Opera

Funny story!





I had day surgery yesterday. I alerted the anesthesiologist ahead of time that I am a professional singer and intubation was not an option for me. He agreed to use an LMA so no harm would come to my vocal cords. The downside to telling him about being a singer was that when I was wheeled into the operating room, the entire team was asking me to sing something. Ordinarily I would have declined, but I'd already had an IV full of Propofol and Versed, so I was high as a kite. I burst into "O Mio Babbino Caro" right there on the operating table, but I was displeased with my sound and started explaining that I wasn't warmed up, but as soon as I tried to explain, a mask with delicious gas was placed over my face, and I was gone.


Anesthesia is a strange and wonderful thing. I am so thankful for modern medicine, and for medical staff who must be thoroughly entertained on a daily basis.

A New Day

I've had some down days this week.  It's really been a whirlwind.  I have thought a lot about how open or not open I want to be in our TTC journey (I really hate the word "journey" sometimes, as it's applied to every single thing in life in peoplespeak).  But hey, we've been married just over a year, trying to have a baby, and I'm old.

So I have had blood tests and pills and sonograms and shots, and this month I thought I was pregnant.  I even got a positive test.  Then a negative test the next day.  I thought I was having a chemical pregnancy (very early miscarriage) and was devastated.  But the blood test and doctor said I wasn't.  I'm still confused about this. 

That was all 3 days ago, and I'm just now rebounding from it.  My sweet husband has been all kinds of sweet and strong.  He came to rehearsal with me last night and just sat and read a book next to me so I could have him there.  I love him.

Today I feel much better.  I am out to conquer the world, as soon as I get out of bed.  I have two sweet doggies next to me.  I'm out of school for the summer.  Depression isn't hitting me as hard today as it has the past few days.  I'm okay with not being pregnant, and I marked this by having a glass of wine last night.  I have been cleaning my house and working on a quilt and a few various other projects around the house.  Getting to have that little bit of caffeine in the morning feels amazing. 

Let's have a good day, okay? 

Christian Music

I used to really try to fit into a Christian box.

The years between 2002-2004 ..ish  I was going to Dallas Baptist University, which was full of evangelicals who all liked the same music.  I remember listening to these foreign sounding songs in chapel, and I would close my eyes and try to feel the same intense emotions everyone else seemed to be feeling.  But I just felt empty and sad.  I believed, and knew I SHOULD feel this joy like everyone else did, but I didn't. 

I would seek out those songs on the radio and try to force myself to listen to them (CCM - Contemporary Christian Music), but it sounded so vapid to me.  Empty.  I didn't like that music, and I didn't try very long.

I found solace in choral music we were singing in DBU Choral. 
And I still do.
I like it when I go to mass, now, and don't have to feel anything.  I can just exist, in silence.  Silence and listening and watching.  Just how I like it. 

Lionhearted Girl

John Everett Millais, “Joan of Arc” (1865) // Florence + the Machine, “Rabbit Heart (Raise it Up)” (2009)



We gotta be strong.
We can't let the darkness overcome us.
Even when fellow Catholics throw us under the bus, we must keep our eyes on Jesus.


From Covington School boys...back to Joan of Arc.
Faithful Catholics staying strong.


May I love Jesus so much that I am calm and still in the face of mockery and hate.

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Balance

Big changes coming this semester, and I'm not one who handles change very well.

This whirlwind year of marriage and teaching has been a Frankenstein style mashup of all my jobs I had before marriage, plus taking care of a new puppy, a house, moving an hour in traffic away from my old job, and teaching at the gym.  Basically, I realized in 2017 that I'm superwoman and that I can do way more than I thought.

But that doesn't mean I should do more than I thought, as evidenced my the effects of stress on my body.  I am a very energetic person, but I need downtime like no ones's business because at the heart of all my personality, I am an introvert.  I need to sit in silence, without stimulation.  It is so hard for me to not be Super Housewife™ when I am finally home after teaching all day, driving in traffic, picking up dinner to make.  I find it hard to sit down.  There is always more to be done, and I end up exhausting myself and running on adrenaline to my detriment. 

I am trying to have a baby, here!  I went and saw the doctor and he suggested that stress could be making it harder for me to get pregnant and that cutting down my stress would help in so many ways.  I am taking this to heart.  Not only for future possible (hopeful) baby, but for me and my sweet husband.  I don't need to go ballistic all the time.  I need some balance.

So, I'm cutting back on my long drive days, and spreading out my high school students to two days.  I'm also picking up some 5th and 6th graders to fill out the hours between high school lessons.  On paper this looks a lot more easy going, but we'll see.  I'm notorious for taking on too much.

I do fantasize about being a housewife.  Women's lib ruined the workforce for men, flooded it with too many workers, and now we have an economy based on a two person income.  I hate that.  But these past few days at home, I've been depressed.  I know I'd go crazy without some project to work on, or a little fire under me to get me going toward the next thing.

So, do pray for me if you would.  I'm trying so hard to be a woman of God and not over do it, or be lazy.  Balance has always been hard for me.  

Christmasing Decorations

Now that Christmas Day has come and gone, but Christmas still lingers on...through the 12 days, I thought I'd show you some of the ways I decorated.  This is my first year as a wife, my first year with a new house, and my first year with a new puppy!  Big changes for this girl.  The creative bug bites me hard around this time of year, and this year it was overwhelming with such a blank canvas.  I tried to limit myself to a few projects.

Decking the Halls:

When we went to get our Christmas tree, I picked up some (free!) branches from the nice man who cut our tree.  It was worth lugging them to the car, because I made our garland.  I will never buy fake garland again.  It was so easy and worth it.

We don't have a mantle over our double sided fireplace, so I made a downward shaped garland to give the illusion of a mantle.  I cut and baked the orange slices and put glitter on them.  The little star lights are my favorite!

Our tree is pretty simple.  We got some cheap ornaments and mixed them in with hand-me-down ornaments from both of our families.  I spent {way too long!} making popcorn and cranberry garland for the tree, which I have always wanted to do. I sprayed them with shellac and I am crossing my fingers that they will be usable again next year.  

Cooper really likes the tree!  His breath often smells like fresh pine :)

I couldn't find a star that I liked, so I used two dollar store star ornaments and attached them together.  

I also made our front door wreath with those free pine branches.

This isn't at my house, but my mom asked me to come decorate her Christmas tree because she likes the way I do it and misses me living with her.  Of course I said yes!

She likes ribbons on her tree, which is pretty easy to do.  

This is the first fire we had in our fireplace.  Our fireplace is double sided:  one side faces the living room where the TV is.  The other side is in my little sitting room that has...

My NEW PIANO!  My mom shocked the heck out of us by getting me this for Christmas.  It just showed up one day at our front door.  It's a Yamaha digital piano, which is great for me for teaching because I can easily transpose.  We hung some pictures over it the other day.  

Wedding pic, St. Cecelia, and Our Lady of Walsingham.

Just a bonus pic of my cute hubby in our little breakfast room.  The pics on the wall are temporary.  I just stuck them on the hangers from the previous owner.  

Christmas baking!

Since I married into a German family, I decided to make the traditional German bread that Hunter has had every year growing up.  It's called Stollen, (Christollen) and its a yummy concoction of rum, fruit, and nuts, baked into bread.  This was my first time making bread at all!  I had no idea it took half a day.  

I used regular raisins and craisins, but I candied the orange and lime peels.

I also made peppermint bark for a few friends and neighbors.

This is my parish: St. Mary the Virgin.  I took this picture on New Year's Eve mass.

Funny story:  I had two solos, and got violently ill during the first one, ran out and threw up in the bushes.  I couldn't' sing the second one.  This is an absolute first for me, in all my years of performing. 

But doesn't the church look pretty?

That's about it for this post!

We are having a party for 12th Night, and until then, we will be doing what we have been doing, which is a lot of this:

Merry Christmas XOXO