halfway round

You said there was a fire

and standing at the casement, I plunged headlong into the Night

Calling down help from every avenging angel

Bent on saving every kind soul to the light

But Lo, upon the Hill, a quieter flame has dawned

Beyond the confused night, silent as the stars

Gracious and polite, a pin-hole of glory

To infernos unseen, resting upon my forehead

In a sweep of oil, a whispered blessing

You said there was a fire

But no one is running; no one is afraid

Instead beckoned out of my panic into the snow

Through a silent piney woods

To a glowing window, a sturdy door

Into your arms on a settee, wrapped in warm quilts

And gazing into a crackling fireplace,

Complete with a pot of tea.

It seems a distant memory, my smokey lad,

To think that something else could have ever existed

Beyond this room,

This comfort, this Church, our books,

A sleeping dachshund, and you

and me.

*6 Months as a Catholic, July 8th, 2017.
Thanks be to God. 

Unfurled

All the banners of I've been under:
My father's, the church,
the crest over my heart on my school jumper
My place in the halls of learning
Bumper sticker theology
A daughter of dead soldiers
Catechumen to grace
And now sir, yours.

You unfurled it to press
To make ready the ramparts and comforts of home
Laundered and threads checked
Bed linens smelling of lavender and Spring Hope
Watered with the tears of years past
His heart and his heart and his heart
His rough words
Now soothed under the kind sound of your name

But taken aback!
Back! Back!
Sound the retreat and the scurrying of who-knows-who
Till lonely on the barren fields
I take hands with Uriah
And together we march on, alone.

The spoils of hope

On almost sunny afternoons

A quiet heart is free to muse

On questions unasked

Sighs that fill those spaces

Between Fear and Knowing

All that has ransomed our plans

Where weaker minds and youthful 

Dreams went unexplored

That land of weeping

Now swept with a fog

A rolling heaviness

Almost romantic

Books closed, tea unsipped

Pretty hands folded neatly on chintz 

Naked fingers curl round 

Some phantom we almost grasped. 

And a deeper pain

A quieter pain

Spills tears, and goes silent.

Space between sighs

Shall there be dawn beyond the empty blackness?
That space between sighs

You've given me pain, Lord.
You've set me up for glory
Planned me a coronation
And then given me pain.

Why?  What good could possibly be in this dust
Falling, crumbling between my slender fingers
I couldn't stop it for all the money in the world

just like I couldn't pay to calm your heart
I couldn't spend enough to pardon my own soul
To bring healing to the wounds
Caused by the rough words of a father

I didn't ask to be wounded.
I didn't ask to carry his cross
You could tie me to a rock
And blame me for not moving
Fast enough.  Or now too slow
That molasses was sweet
But dripped in my eyes, and now I can't see.

He held my heart close to his
Safe in his dear rough hands
Carried to the place of treasure
In his sweet eyes

But then asked its price
Appraised its worth
Called down the sellers and the buyers

And now I've found myself in the dust
On the dust, under the dust
Made of dust

Ashes.  Ashes and dust.
Terrified of which questions in my heart
I shall not ask.  Shant ask.
Ashes and dust and diamonds and dust.
Once brilliant sun, now mocking me.  Blinding me.
Shaming me.

Like the calendar on the wall which mocks my days.
Unfeeling papers planned before my time.
"The way it's always been".
Someone decided.  But they didn't tell me.

To life

You brimming bucket of catch-all maddness
Youthful exuberance mixed with a smattering of
Useless days, wasted expectations
Old ovaries and too many phone conversations
And starting over.  And over.  And over again.
Like looking in the mirror and seeing laugh lines
Turn to wrinkles, not from frowning
But too many days in the sun, too many
Too many cares and untied ends
Till it drifts again into an unending parade
Of alarm clocks, hitting snooze, feet on the cold floor
Coffee cups, watching the hours tick by
Trips to the bank, waiting for...what?
Acceptance from a shattered childhood
Memories burned into hearts like brand irons
And handkerchiefs full of millennial angst caught forever
Between cotton fibers, like running between raindrops
Raindrops, or were those tears?  Falling cautiously
Back to you, little bucket.  Half-full of life.
Or half empty?

There is a stretch of jaw

leading down to the crease of your neck

Where my nose can nuzzle into my future

All the thoughts that pile up and day over day spill

into your waiting arms, into that exquisite patch of rough, manly stubble.

and planting a kiss

I unplant my fears

toss them into the grey sky

So an October wind blows them far away, into the Advent

of the coming of the Bridegroom

And salty, dewy, delicious skin

I am allowed for a moment or two

Where I might safely giggle, or dream, or want, or long

But always be loved.

Press me there, may I tell my whimsy to your throat

Kiss me at least a hundred more times

Let my lips flit upon yours 

Let me be Home, just a moment more!

Let my hairs stay snagged on you somehow

Let me live on long after I've gone

Let me find you tomorrow 

Hungrier than today, but satisfied

Knowing each day I will come to you with myself

With an offering of the best of me, as the Lord wills it

He made my nose cold

And your skin rough

..and mine soft...

We shall know Him in our lacking, 

in our longing

And in our loving.

Come, holy friend.

You on the nightwatch

Me in my bed, asleep.

You pay me compliment just by being. 

Let me love you, scratchy as you are.

I will nuzzle you on the morrow.

And a million times onward. 

Stella Maris

And shall I whisper to the sea?
It tells me a never-ending story of you.

How you bore all my hopes and fears together
Saying "this mulberry tree shall be cast into the sea".
And flung far away, like a message in a bottle
Upon waves which reached exotic lands.
Moonlight began her vigil
The travails of this night set themselves upon us.

Undulating --
Dying in the throes upon craggy rocks
And quiet resignation upon sandy shores
Washed pale and helpless, choking in unfamiliar air.
How the demons of night were matchless
For a matched set of two mustard seeds.

And starting again with each new breath
Hoping with each beat of your heart
And the stars are my witness
Your true heart finds North
And the sea bears us far away
Under a Mantle of sky
Where night is our bounty
Starlight bathing us in crisp memory
Of our first night in the Sea.

Take my hand, and we shall sail onward.
To that land where promise meets us
You, my captain and my confidant.
I, thy dear handmaid.  Thy bidding is sweet.
On this Barque we have started.
And Mother sings us home,
A string of roses binds our hands and hearts
to an Unbound home in a new free land.