I've started to write this post multiple times, and each time I've hit a mental roadblock. In things like this it's some times best to just say it and not try to be wordy or clever. So here it is:
I've had a miscarriage.
Why do I feel the need to publically say this? I have always felt a little iffy toward people who share this very private sad thing with the world, almost as if it's too intimate let it out to non-family and close friends. So why am I now doing it?
Because I had no idea how hard this early miscarriage would hit me, and how alone I would feel. I don't have a huge support system, especially in the summer when I'm not working. I have my precious husband and very close family and a few friends, but that's all. I've been comforted with things when sharing it which have been very comforting and helpful. I've also been told some unhelpful things, such as "lots of people have this happen to them", "you should smile, because God wants you to be happy". But mostly it's deafening silence and loneliness.
My pregnancy wasn't very far along, at all, but it was still my baby. It was still a life. It was still a child I will never get to hold. This was my first pregnancy. The roller coaster of that first few days of elation when finding out, only to be crushed with worry and then utter heartbreak later.
I am very depressed, especially since my husband went back to work the day after the miscarriage occured. I am still home for two weeks before I start teaching again. I am trying so hard to stay busy and get things done, but I'm having a hard time. I'm very hopeful that I will get pregnant again, since this was so soon after my surgery. But there's always that fear: that nagging feeling that this was the only time and that I'll never have a child.
I've placed myself in Jesus' hands and He has never let me down.
If you please could say a prayer for me, I would much appreciate it.
My little saint in Heaven - Aug 3rd, 2019
