Growing up, prayer was something I did and wanted to do. I prayed, feverishly, from my little heart throughout the day, almost every day. I loved prayer and loved scripture, but there was always a bit of downturn mixed in with it. In my little plaid-and-knee socks Calvinistic world, the image I could not escape was that weekly offering envelope with the check boxes:
-Offering
-Church attendance
-Bible read daily
Now, I know this was completely well-meaning. Keeping up with money and how many come to your church every week, and encouraging people to read the Holy Scriptures is in no way a bad thing. But being a perfectionist and a rule-follower, I could not wait to check those boxes every week. If I didn't actually read my Bible one day, I'd jump through mental hoops to decide if hearing the scripture read at school actually counted for reading my Bible. And if I checked the box in the affirmative, I'd feel guilty about it all week. Wash, rinse, repeat.
So, prayer and scripture reading to me were good things; things I liked, but also a source of suffering. There was an unattainable element to prayer. It seemed like adults I heard speaking of their prayer lives, and later, teens in my youth group talking about their worship experiences were just out of reach to me. I wanted to expirience Jesus the way they talked about. I tried to. I read the Bible and it left me with more questions and frustrations, anxiety over the way scripture was used to justify hand-raising in church or speaking in tongues. I avoided certain books altogether (like Acts...I still haven't read that one!) because of the discord it caused in my heart. And when I prayed, I would beg Jesus for peace and joy that never seemed to come. I fear that I lived most of my religious life in a cloud of depression, until I was about 30. What I wanted was always out of reach. The phrase "beggar at the door of grace" really resonated with me. Calvinism was my home because I never felt quite good enough for anything else, and people who were happy seemed suspect. I was certain something was wrong with me, something not fixable, and that I just had to keep trying to get along the best I could.
When I became Catholic, I expected to think the same way but add in the sacraments and some Marian prayers and be able to take communion. Boy, was I wrong! The shift in thinking that I have experienced through the grace of conversion still surprises me more and more. I have only been Catholic for almost 6 months, but I continue to change and grow and see things new ways. I am being healed. Thanks be to God! New insights are abundant, but also I am more able to relax into my own skin. I am more settled and calm. I am more merciful, to others, it's true. But where I needed mercy the most, God has provided. I am able to rely on God's mercy to myself.
Prayer is one of the ways that my life is changing. I don't pray any more than I used to. I don't suddenly worship Mary or say 10 rosaries a day or skip praying to Jesus (if you are Protestant, know I'm not kidding about this!). There is a simplicity of trust that now resides in my heart. What enables me to relax and trust is this: before I was trying to get somewhere in my prayer. Now I am simply being. I am being present with Jesus. I am being present with the saints. I am being present with myself.
Even if I get nowhere in my prayers and am nothing but a ball of anxiety, Jesus is not. He's present with me through the grace of the Holy Spirit and my baptism. And He is present, literally, in the Eucharist in which I take him into my body. That is almost too intimate to write about, but it's real. And in prayer, even if I feel nothing, I am assured of His love. Even if I say nothing. Even if I do nothing. Even if I don't know what to say. Even if all I have to offer are my tears. There is nowhere to get to, nothing to attain, because He's already done it all. All I have to do is come to Him.
Sometimes I offer my own words.
Sometimes I offer my tears.
Sometimes I offer His own words in praying the Psalms.
Sometimes I offer the words of the Church in the Liturgy of the Hours.
Sometimes I ask the saints to pray with me and offer their own prayers with mine.
Sometimes I just stare at Him like a lovesick fangirl.
Sometimes it's utilitarian.
Sometimes it's poetry.
Sometimes it's wishful when I can't forgive someone.
Sometimes it's painful when I face my own insecurities.
Sometimes it's boring.
Sometimes it's moving.
But always, it's with Him. And it always works.
I have never seen prayer NOT do something.
If you are beginner, pray. Pray: tell God you love Him and ask for what you want. Then trust that He loves you and He will give you the very best things for you. Thank Him for what He's given you. Ask for the grace to manifest the fruits of the Spirit, and grow. He will do it. He loves you.
Sometimes I say that prayer isn't magic, but kinda is. It is spiritual, emotional, and it gets things done...if you have the talent to see beyond right now or next week and into what you really love. Love Jesus, and pray. You can't go wrong.
It's a journey, friends. I started off feeling sad and never good enough when I pray, and here I am...and who knows where I will be in 5 years?
But I know I'm sticking with Jesus. And I know it will be good.
Just like He is :)
