All this piety, and sex, too.

Sex.

Yeah, it got your attention.  Great.

I have come to an understanding.  People of a certain age, or generation, who were raised in a general demographic, have a blindspot.  They can talk about anything under the sun, with passion and sometimes understanding.  They will be compassionate and reasonable, and polite and show Southern hospitality by offering you a lemonade while you chat.

Talk about pets, politics, education, morality, the government, kindness, cooking, decorating, cars, travel, the military...anything, really, and all is well.

But mention sex, and it gets shut down so fast that your head will spin.

When I say sex, I don't mean engaging in a salacious or inappropriate conversation.  Even talking about the virtue of chastity has this reaction from some people.  I do not understand it.  I do not understand why talking about how harmful pornography is, how masturbation is wrong, and how chastity is more than just what we do with our genitals could evoke such vitriol.

I have been told that "No one here cares about sex, I don't care about what you do, I am old, I don't think about sex anymore, TMI, no one wants to know, etc".  Granted, this was all online conversation.  But I don't think real life would be any better.

Is it that an entire generation of church people suffer from extreme shame?

Do we not see how this is harmful?  Not talking about sex (but surely having plenty of sex!) has ruined male-female relationships since the 60s.  It has decimated the vestiges of compassion and feeling and goodness between men and women.  It has made the back seat the only place sex is dealt with.  Are we really so ashamed that we can't discuss virtue and right vs. wrong?

I get it.  It sucks to suffer from guilt.
Maybe it would suck less to know that you passed on some goodness to younger people before they live in shame, too.

Talk to your kids about sex.
Talk to them about chastity.
Talk to them about pornography and masturbation.
I am guessing it totally sucks to do this, but isn't it better than losing them?

Before this turns into parenting advice from a non-parent, I would like to add that I'm working on this.  No one talked to me about sex much as a kid.  And I developed some really unhealthy ideas about it.  Thank God for the catechism of the Catholic church and the frankness and honesty with which it confronts sex as a good, wholesome, and healthy gift from God which has requirements.  It's so healing.

God knows our culture needs a lot of healing among the people of God over something so good, and something so drastically harmful when it gets out of control.  May it begin with me.

Eastward, ho

In the bright dawn of a May morning
he called me away from the darkness
The self-addicted yawning of inward looking
To the glory
of standing by his side
facing the rising sun
smelling the smoke of it all passing away
on his clothes, on his skin
his earthy, scratchy skin
and feeling the brush of his sleeve
as he takes my hand

just a little bit into the morning
a few winks into the day
we aren't golden
we aren't special
we aren't enlightened
but we are Alive
and that's halfway to glory,
my heart's Friend.

The flipside of unreality

As the shadows clear away from this terrible thing,

I realize how much damage has been done.

The obvious damage (the trauma of being lied to, believing the lies that I was going to be married this summer, planning my life around being a wife, setting up things to make that happen, things like that) is not the only thing, but only part.

The other part is the emotional trauma that comes from not only being lied to, but being abandoned in a very dramatic and inappropriate way.  Going from "we are still engaged" one minute to "I am leaving you and I'll never see or talk to you again" another minute is not a normal or appropriate way to leave someone.  In any way, shape, or form.  Since the person who did this is not worth my time or energy, I will try to not write about him, but about me and my hope for healing.

I am struggling with the physical effects of anxiety.

At first I couldn't sleep or eat.  I lost 10 lbs in a week.  I have since taken care of that (thanks be to God!).  I have been flooded with the love of good friends, more love than I ever knew that people loved me.  It's amazing.

But anxiety is still there.

It's not fair.  It makes me feel weak.  It makes me nervous.  And it's not fair.  I already said that.

I realize that I am a ******* survivor, and that no one can get at me anymore.

This is true.  It's real and true and it kicks me in the face when I start feeling despair.  I have proven to myself that I am 5 million times stronger than I thought I was.  All the lies he told me became things to overcome, and I've done it.

But that physical anxiety...there it is.

My shoulders feel like they are on fire most of the time.

My face burns.  My arms burn.  I am short of breath.

I have to step away from people and focus on calming my breathing.

It really sucks, because I like to be calm.  I like to be in control, and savvy, and witty and not ruled by any kind of emotion.

But there it is.  It's like PTSD, when some sound or an explosion on TV can trigger someone.  Normal things do this to me.  When a sweet, well meaning man tells me I'm the only girl, the alarm bells go off in my head.  How can I know if he's lying?  How can I trust him?  How can I trust anyone?  How can I trust myself?

I seriously hope that God in His heaven is not light on the consequences to a man who would cause such terrible pain in not just one, but at least 3 girls.  

I want justice borne out in my body for the nights I haven't slept.

I want justice borne out in my mind for the fact I can't ******* trust anyone anymore.

I want vindication in how my heart has been held hostage for far too long.  One second wasted on him was far too long.

I am dating someone.

He is a blank slate, as far as I'm concerned.

He doesn't deserve to live in someone's shadow.  May Jesus come swiftly to clear away the shadows with His own light.  May truth be illuminated in this whole thing, so that no one can hide.

And may I not push him away just because a sociopathic narcissist tried to ruin my life.  He couldn't ruin it.  He failed.  He is a failure, and I am not.

I am so much more.  I live in truth, reality, and hope.

And Jesus is there.

He may be able to earn my trust.  Time will tell.

My commitment is to hope, honesty, love, kindness, and reality.

Were You There?

Me singing "Were You There" by Raymond Haan on Palm Sunday this past Lent.
And choking up, a lot.  What a terrible time in my life.  I'm so glad it's looking up, now.

Carpe

You breathed me in.
Said it was magic,
and in the distance
Lightning struck.

Unfrayed

That incense turned to smoke.
Holy smokes.
The first time you held me
The first time you asked to kiss me.
I could smell it on your clothes, years of smoke and hot nights,
round a thousand campfires in your heart.  Burning now.

Burning now like my shoulders, since he
placed the weight of world on them
Said "Hold this, BRB"
Then disappeared.

So now we soldier on, in the smoke
In the burning of desire
In the tepidness of fire
Shedding a few tears, there and here
Over silly dreams betrayed
Now become unfrayed in the glory of the sun

Nothing unquenched in the flood
Nothing untested in love
Happy, hand-in-hand we gaze
Musing on each other's hopeful faces
Lost in your waiting arms
Sleeping in the torrent of graceful rain
Falling from the Star of the Sea

(I heard you say, "Peace, Be still".
Say it again and I will obey.
Just promise you'll wait for me.)

Moonlight

Sing to me again
Your sad songs, oh world
Not that I don't know them
But I need to remember
Your reasons for loving
Beyond the scope of where the sun shines

If we go into the night,
My dear, as I've often cried to you
From far across the world
We won't forget our days
For the night burns with black fire
Away the dappled patterns of our pasts
And too soon we'll discover
With brittle delight
That you cannot hide from true love
Even in the night

You cannot hide from true love
Even in the night

Your breath so close to my ear
Might shatter the softness of the moonlight
And those sad songs the world drones
Are drowned in the steady tumult
Of your waiting heartbeat
So careful against the world,
So careful against the moon-songs
Calm but for wordless haste
Breathless passion, and waiting
Hopeful in a moment to feel
Your breath so close to my ear

You cannot hide from true love
Even in the night

So, sad world, sing me your songs
I have but a few of my own
I will practice them no more
Till the final Concert in the night
Moon-Spotlight switched on
And I declare in final refrain:

"YOU CANNOT HIDE FROM TRUE LOVE!
EVEN IN THE NIGHT".

Then I will take my bow.
Then I will go home.
And I will listen to you no more.

Shrapnel

Lodged once then
Covered over with skin
The ends of it
Touch beyond its own
Painful end.
Her ears still ringing.

Healing, then one
wrong move, twisted
Away from the one who
Did it, round again
Explosions echo past
time in her ears

Thus, little slice
Thin metal, tiny splinter
feels not death, but life
Pain means life
Moving toward the day
You promised, then:

You bend the with
Remover, to remove
Kind God, or angels above
Beating down your
Pain played out again.
Begging for its end.

Time's not a line.
Healing's not an end
Pointed toward Heaven
Sometimes fists toward God
screaming to the sky in wretched
Hope for love forgotten.