A particularly wonderful priest friend of mine heard my confession and gave me the penance of having to do something nice for just myself. This might seem odd, but for people like me, and maybe you, we get caught up so much in doing a million things, doing the right thing, being perfect, and trying to correct the world's wrongs that little things like sitting down for a cup of tea and
just enjoying the moment are mostly overlooked. So, off to the massage spa I went.
I lay there as I started relaxing to enjoy my medium pressure massage. There was no particular pain or problem area I wanted worked on, just to enjoy an hour of quiet, spa music, dark, and the glorious feeling of a trained therapist touching my muscles. My mind immediately started focusing on the stupid thing I had said right before my massage, and worrying what she thought of me. "No." I corrected myself. "I am doing this as a penance, and I need to be kind to myself even in my head while I do it". So I forced my thoughts in a new direction.
I thought back to massages in the recent past. I came into this chain, fighting back tears, to use the gift card my ex fiance had gotten me before it expired. I had put it off as long as possible to avoid thinking of him, but it was a nice amount and I wanted a massage. I take that back. I needed a massage. My shoulders were so tight that they were crunchy. Anxiety had so consumed my mind that it spilt over into my body. My neck and shoulders hurt all the time. They burned. My throat and face hurt. I was so sleep deprived that I had to take pills to get a minimum amount of sleep, and even then I'd wake up and have to take more pills. I was a wreck. The kind ladies at the front desk took pity on me and set me up with someone they thought would help.
When I went to the appointment, the lady told me I looked really stressed. I then almost burst into tears, telling her about my whole experience being abandoned by this man, my life being so shattered. I cried the whole massage. I had heard of this happening before. Massages can get deep into your emotions, because our bodies, hearts, and minds are all connected. Despite all the messy, snotty tears through that hole in the headrest, that massage was great. The lady told me she was Catholic and had been praying for me the whole time. What a blessing! I went back to her a few times before she disappeared from the location.
The girl I went to after that was a one-time therapist. She was amazing and I wish I knew what happened to her. She introduced me to clary sage essential oil which is great to combat anxiety. I went out and bought some for my diffuser and it became a daily thing for me. I went back and requested her but they said she had left the company. Alas.
At this point I was dating my now-husband. I cautiously proceeded on, dealing with my own body and mind in weekly talk therapy as well as massages. I kept working out. I made sure I kept eating. I was happy, laughing...on-edge with caution, but falling in love. Falling in love backwards, so to speak. I never had those lighting strike feelings with my Hunter. It was calm and gentle at first, and I was the one who had to warm up to him. Now that we are married, it's like first love, with the coos and silly songs and things that gag me when I see others doing them. But I can do them, because having a husband is great like that.
Fast forward to the day before my wedding. I had booked a massage for myself and my matron of honour as a part of our spa-day activities. We asked for therapists who are good for that type of thing and I got another wonderful one. It was amazing, and that's all I remember. I was so focused on the wedding that it really must have helped me because I don't remember being stressed. I do remember lying there thinking that my body...my whole self...would soon be his. And that's really weird and scary for someone who waited for marriage to have sex! I wasn't on edge or nervous about my wedding at all...just for little backstage things like my shoes being buckled right and my bracelet not catching on my dress.
And now I've had two massages since being married. It's a long, gradual timeline of comparison. But I am relaxed now, like a melting ice cream cone. I feel so accepted and loved. That "in-tune" with myself feeling I get during massages...that I could melt into the table and the music could become part of me...doesn't have to go away. I love being married to my Hunter. I look forward to a life with him. Even if I can't afford to get massages much long (we are closing on a house on Tuesday!!) I am so glad I've invested in it. It helps my tired feet and my formerly crunchy shoulders. And, as a penance, I suspect it helps my soul a little.
Thank you, Jesus, for wonderful things like massages and the healing power of touch.
