Much of my professional life is determined without me, behind closed doors, with people I don't know and haven't met, talking openly about people and passing around pictures with resumes stapled to the back.
Things we are afraid to say in the polite world, such as "her nose is so large that it's unsettling", "her hips are too big for my taste", "I like this one because...I don't know. There's just something about her eyes" are freely thrown around, here. They trade in pictures like kids used to trade baseball cards. I'm sure they used to know but have long forgotten all the emotions pinned to those choices...fears, hopes, "this is my dream role", "I'm getting too old to play this part", people who just had a breakup, people who will move away if they don't get this role, etc.
But they don't know.
They know they like the curvature of someone's chin. Or that she's 10 lbs lighter than the next one. Or they really prefer brown hair today.
Who knows? All of this goes on in a back room somewhere. I'm not privy to it. No wonder actors suffer such neurosis, often battling insecurity with bravado. One director felt the need to write me a letter and tell me I suffered from "overt self-depreciation". Did he know my life was falling apart? That my parents had just split up, I was doing poorly in college, gained so much weight and under so much stressed that I stopped menstruating? Was this letter supposed to be helpful?
I hope he didn't realize this.
And I know one thing, I'm glad I'm not privy to whatever goes on in back room casting. I know who I am and I don't need to know director's opinions. Why? Because opinions don't matter? They most certainly do. Every time I've been cast it's been due to someone's opinion. But I don't need to wear their opinions like a poncho. Because for everyone who thinks you are God's gift to acting, there are 20 who really don't like your voice. Or your hair. Or your body. Or they have a girlfriend/niece/wife/mistress who fits the part more than you. Or doesn't. But you get my point.
Everything God plans is decided in a back room, it seems. I'm not privy to it. I can't bargain with him. I didn't ask to end up where I am. I'm sure a lot of my horrible decisions have added to it, but it seems like he orchestrates my life somehow. Don't ask me how. I don't know. But He does.
Can't we trust Him? I don't trust casting directors really...too subjective. But God? Doesn't he have the best planned for me?
I know I'm not a picture and resume to God. He has entirely too much invested. Maybe I just need to be quiet and let him work. Even if it's in a back room; I'll eventually find out.
And it'll be amazing.
