Yesterday was a pretty good day for me. I latched onto future plans and started planning for some videos I want to make about miscarriage, to help others. I am not an expert on anything except my own expirience, and if I can be of any help, I want to.
Today I'm not feeling as good. I'm more inward focused and with drawn. I feel the buds of anger forming in me, and of desperation. I want answers. I have no answers about why this keeps happening to me. There must be some reason, other than being on the older end of motherhood. I have had a lot of testing done and it was all completely normal. My doctor set an appointment for July 29th. I have no other contact with him before that. Apparently, its now too dangerous to come into the office anymore, so I have to do a video conference with him. This COVID nonsense is getting so ridiculous when you can't even see your doctor for him to help you stop having miscarriages.
I just want some answers. I want some hope. I feel like he did nothing to help me other than throw some progesterone at me. Surely there is something more that could have been done?
Church isn't even a blip on my radar today. I am angry at God. When we found out we were pregnant, we got in the car and went straight to mass and got a blessing for our pregnancy, in Latin, at the altar, with tears streaming down our faces. It was wonderful and hopeful. And it didn't make a bit of difference.
The world seems to be falling apart around us. And within me, falling apart. I know I must keep going, but it's so very hard. I'm so sad and angry. I wanted this baby so much. I see pregnant women complaining about being fat and tired and it just makes me want to scream. Why does God give me babies in the first place and not let me keep them? Why are we told "God knows what's best for us" and then I am to assume that it's best for my babies to all die? Is it bad theology, bad interpretation, or just bad in general?
Someone told me that suffering is a mystery, and not something to figure out. Good, because I can't figure it out. I don't think I'll ever figure it out.
Writing to this lovely rain track - check it out. Very calming.
Hello, I saw an Instagram post and found your blog. I feel your pain very much. Miscarriage pain is so very hard. I have 4 living children and 4 miscarriages as well. My last two were second trimester miscarriages. I use to find meaning in the miscarriages and sometimes I don’t. while they cause so much pain in my heart I also tell myself maybe this suffering will help my soul get to heaven where my babies will be waiting for me. I’m sorry for your losses and know you are a mother and you heavenly children are praying for you and your husbands souls. I know My pain is not the same since I have living children but recurrent miscarriages is a gut punch that not many people understand. You’re in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteI was so happy to read your comment on my blog! Sometimes I feel like I'm just writing into the air with my finger, here. I don't find a lot of meaning. I try to. I try to be deep and strong and mature like other women seem to be, but most of the women who seem to be that way have other kids. Being an invisible mom is so tough. It's all I think about, but no one knows. It's silence.
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