Baby :) 

30 Week Update

 Hey blog! Long time, no update!

One weird thing about losing babies in the past is that it's taken away all of my desire to document my pregnancy and milestones.  Sorry about that!  I wish it wasn't so, but alas!

I am now 30 weeks pregnant!  I am huge.  Seriously, being this big is kind of *triggering*, if I dare to use such an annoyingly overused term.  I've fought my weight my whole life and now here it is, loud and proud.  I get that it's for a reason and that I can lose it later, but still.  It's very odd.  I bump into things and my back pretty much constantly hurts.  I find it frustrating to not be able to do things.  I realize how proud I am of my athletic ability because I now can't keep up.  So weird.

Because of my "geriatric" status, I'm going to have to start going in twice a week for Non-Stress Tests and an ultrasound every week (starting at 32 weeks).  And the doctor yesterday suggested that we might want to induce at 39 weeks just because of statistics and health of the baby.  Now, I've heard inductions take a long time, and that labor contractions are much more painful with inductions because of the Pitocin.  But I am not opposed to having all the good drugs with my labor.  

My momma was in labor for 3 hours with me, total.  She was a Lamaze instructor and totally believes that it's intensity, not pain, and that it's manageable without meds.  My whole life she's told me this.  But just the little slice of that type of pain that I've experienced through fertility treatments - I'm looking at you, HSG and hysteroscopy...shoving things into a tightly closed organ that does not want to be messed with - that kind of pain is incredibly intense.  I am fine with ALL the good drugs.  My hospital offers nitrous oxide for labor as well as the normal epidurals and things, and I think it's a good strategy to plan at this point.  

I just get so scared with the "risk of stillbirth" thrown around.  Please pray for my precious baby Charlotte and that her entrance into the world is grand and positive.  We've waited for her such a long time. 

2nd Trimester Update

 That 2nd Trimester ahhhh...

I barely remember the first trimester, apart from being sick and worried and eating a ton.  I felt sick if I didn't eat, so I ...just ate.  And kept eating.  And gained weight, but now my weight gain has slowed way down.  Pretty cool, huh?

Anyway, I am 21 weeks pregnant and loving it.  I feel so much better now, besides being tired and needing lots of naps.  I'm still teaching at the gym 3 times per week (BODYPUMP and Pilates/Barre fusion).  I can't do as much with core but I'm still trying to keep in great shape and keep the workouts going!  

Clomid is my friend

 Hey again -

Update from last time.  Clomid worked (again...at the higher dosage with the neurological side effects).  I'm 17 weeks and 5 days pregnant.  Crazy miraculous stuff.

Emotionally, blogging or telling people has been like walking in quicksand.  It's the drag of all the previous losses pulling me down, sucking away my potential joy.  It's tough to be happy when you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Terrible attitude to have for a momma!  But here we are.  

I'm thinking about all the New Years resolutions I should make.  Really I should stop looking at Facebook completely, except I use it for Mary Kay now.  I just find myself flooded with anger so constantly.  

There is a family thing which has gone completely and utterly beyond the pail of causing anger.  It causes rage.  It's basically like...relationship ending stuff.  Have you ever had that...sorta of..."how do I move on from this" thing happen based on someone else's choices that affect you and will continue to affect you forever?  I wish blogging was anonymous like it used to be in the good old days of Xanga, so I could totally write out the facts of what happened.  Heh.  Then I know I'd get lots of "you should feel this way: XYZ".  

Please don't ever tell someone how they should feel.  It's so tone deaf.

As we drag into the 3rd year of this "pandemic", I hope everyone learning to question the government and think for yourselves.  It will serve you well in the future. 

Clomid is not my friend

Clomid and I have parted ways.

It was the first med my first doctor put me on, way back in 2018 when I started trying to get pregnant with the help of meds.  I was on the lowest dose and it just gave me hormonal side effects.  Also didn't get pregnant.  

Fast forward to now.  My last pregnancy, in April, I took Clomid at a high dose for 2 days.  It was supposed to be 5 days, layered with FSH, but I started having visual hallucinations (seeing trails on everything) right when I woke up.  I stopped it immediately and got pregnant that cycle.

We tried it again this cycle and after the first day I got tinnitus in my right ear.  I stopped after one day and just did FSH shots for 4 more days.  I went back in yesterday for a follicle scan and I needed a boost, so we did two days of letrozole.  

The grand science fair project that is my fertility. 

Jenny

I won't write about me, here.
Or how I lost my 5th baby at 8 weeks.  I will, though...don't worry.  It's been a month now, and it's too painful to put words on the screen about it. 

We've had another loss come to us, and this time it's a friend.  Her name was Jenny.
I have so many words swimming around in my head that I need to get out.  One blog post won't do it justice.  I've been drowning my sorrows in old VHS tapes...us in high school.  Us in Italy.  Us on stage together.  Us singing.  

I wasn't a big part of her life.  But she was a big part of mine.  She stood for something to me...something I could never be or have.  She was like an ideal.  Like an angel to me.  That sounds weird, but it's really not.  You looked up to someone in high school, too, I bet.  Jenny was so engrained in everything for those three formative years that it still haunts me to think about it.  She was sunshine...pure sunshine.  You can tell from the videos of her.  Her hair even looked like sunshine.  Pure and bright and golden.

And there was me - dark, brooding, quiet.  Sour looking.  So serious all the time.  I was shocked at how unhappy I looked in the videos today.  I knew I felt a deep emptiness inside me, but I didn't know I projected it so much.  I have a lot of soul searching that I want to do.  

But anyway...it's about her.  I miss her, even though we haven't talked for several years.  She was a bright light in everything.  

5 weeks, 5 days pregnant

Hello my friends,

Just an update.  I am pregnant 😀😀😀! I've known for two weeks now.  I've had four HCG betas and the numbers are rising.  The next step is a first ultrasound which is today.  Ordinary pregnant people don't get them this early, but I am special.  

Of course, I am nervous out of my skin about this ultrasound.  The only other time any of my pregnancies has gotten to the ultrasound stage, we went in wanting to see the baby only to be devastated to learn that it was a blighted ovum (it took 3 ultrasounds and 3 weeks to finalize this diagnosis).  Devastating.  Of course, every pregnancy is a new event and my symptoms are stronger this time than ever.  This pregnancy has already gone longer than two of mine, so we are hopeful. 

Please pray for us.  The appointment is at 1:30 Central Time, today.  I really hope we get to leave with a beautiful picture of our tiny little miracle.  In any case, we throw ourselves upon the mercy of God and his care.