Come at me, bro.
No, seriously. You had me pretty upset yesterday, my ANON (as you shall now be called). You had me in tears, heart pounding, and very upset. I guess that's what you wanted. Congrats!
Here's the bad news: writing a letter to someone under the guise of an anonymous account is bad. It's cowardly. It's really kind of a rotten thing to do! But probably the MOST serious thing is that you couched it in Christian terms under the cover of "I'm only saying this in Christian love".
Love? Shall we?
From my favorite ESV translation of 1st Corinthians 13 -
4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant
5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love? Love is GREAT stuff! Love is full of hope and wants the best for people. Love doesn't tear down. Love endures and carries on and is kind. Love doesn't hide in a foxhole and snipe people while wearing a disguise.
There was no Christian love in what you said.
And I'm not gonna "get over it".
Since you read my twitter account, you know a lot of my weaknesses, and decided to use them against me. Guess what? I'm a growing, wounded, working through it daughter of God! I've had some hard times which I've shared. I've had some harder ones that I can't bring myself to share. And that's okay. God knows these things, and HE alone is my judge. Not you. So while you may derive some fine pleasure from setting up a Kangaroo Court here with your anonymous comments, God sees that, too. He gets to judge. Not you, not me. I don't know all of your sins, and I'm fine with that. Because God is working on you, too. Let Him speak to you...work through it! It's what we all have to do.
So while you upset me yesterday, it wasn't forever.
I realized that I want to act in LOVE and not as a coward.
I want to be HONEST which I have been, and not fake.
I want to be GROWING and experience the PAIN of growing, not of sniping people for where they are.
I want to continue in the GOOD THINGS that God has given me, and now worry about other people so much.
Look at yourself. Ask God to show you LOVE, because you need it!
To my regular readers:
I've come too far in my journey with God to be so upset by internet cowards. They are everywhere, guys. I realized yesterday how it terrible it must be to have a huge, painful secret that isn't allowable for discussion in social circles.
To be Christian and think you are gay.
To be suicidal.
To struggle with intense depression.
To have failed your family.
To have an eating disorder.
To injure yourself.
Boy, those are heavy things! I've dealt with a few of them. At times I felt I had no one to talk to except the (anonymous) internet. And I *had* to be anonymous. Because if anyone ever found out I struggled, I thought they would pile layer upon layer of heavy judgement on me and make it worse. And I was right. This blog so far has been about my struggles in my own life with the depression that comes from really going out on a limb in the performing arts...to really GO for it. And it's hard. And it's depressing. And God has been faithful.
And I tried to write my honest feelings here. And boy was I punished for it.
I know so many who struggle turn to anonymous blogs or Twitter accounts or social media as a way to let out their feelings and cry for help. They don't want their families to know. They don't want their churches or schools to know.
Isn't that sad? These are the social structures which God has given us for support, and we are terrified to use them. We fear judgement. We fear someone finding out how sinful we really are. I wish we could all see each other naked, in body and soul. Then we'd see how ugly and disgusting and real we all are, how gross and terrible are our sins, and how we need Jesus desperately.
Maybe we'd be a little kinder to each other.
So here's my pledge; I'm going to continue to be real and honest here. I'm not going to be a coward. I'm not going to tell you about my life as much, because I need to put up a boundary and a safeguard against jerks like the one who attacked me yesterday. But I also need to share my thoughts and feelings.
Know that this is a safe place for you if you want to share. I won't attack you. I will try to offer love and support. God knows I need it.
So, ANON, nice try. Your mission from Satan has failed (even though you probably didn't realize that is what it was). I'm still here, and stronger than ever. And Jesus is with me. Better look elsewhere for your trolling adventures. I'm here to stay.
I'm sorry, Amy. *HUGS*.
ReplyDeleteI don't have much desire to interact right now as my grandfather died at 0300 this morning. I'm not kidding. Tomorrow I leave on a plane for Atlanta and will be gone a couple of weeks. When I return, photos of the death certificate and boarding passes won't be a problem if you doubt my honesty.
ReplyDeleteYesterday, you completely misunderstood and misrepresented what I wrote. I didn't say you were a bad actress, I said that was a question you needed to ask yourself out of the possibility God may be leading you in a different direction. Besides, how would I know if you were a good or bad actress, anyway?
I said what I said because in my younger years I would have paid every cent I had to the first person willing to say those words to me. Nobody had the courage to be brutally honest in the midst of my struggles. I was arrogant, rude, angry, self-absorbed, you name it. Family and friends convinced me I was a computer wizard when in fact I wasn't. I only excelled at implementing software packages developed by OTHER people. My family didn't understand that and continued to praise me as some programmer genius. So yesterday, I asked if maybe something similar was true for you in your acting pursuits. Who knows, maybe you would excel with a clearer, unbiased, perception of your strengths and weaknesses? This was the best thing that ever happened once I sought it out.
Regarding the timing of yesterday's post, it came after a discussion with family about my grandfather's salvation. We don't know if he was saved. In his early years, he was very hostile to Christianity, but attended church infrequently in his final years -- which, as you know, isn't enough to be saved. I think it was my mother who said we failed to proclaim the Gospel more boldly in his presence. I agreed and said we are equally bad with other people. We tend to look away and allow people to suffer in isolation. Those thoughts lingered in my head all afternoon and I felt convicted. I pulled up Twitter, and then Blogspot, and decided to reply with good intentions. I honestly don't remember everything I said as I've slept very little in the last two days. It is possible my word choice was not the best.
Also, I didn't intend to post anonymously. I logged in with my Google credentials thinking my real name would attach to the post, but that never happened and I didn't notice the omission. Divulging my real name would have been no problem until your explosive reaction on Twitter. I don't feel comfortable sharing my real name now after you asked others to track me down electronically. I'll close by saying I sincerely meant to help you, and it makes me sad that you cried as a result. It's just unfortunate you didn't fully read or understand where I was coming from yesterday.
Anon internet bully, you are a jerk. Whether or not you are a troll or being truthful - A true friend would not share a personal message in public.
ReplyDelete535678, thank you for coming here to explain your intentions; I think it sheds valuable light on the matter. I admit I, too, was taken aback when Thespia first shared your original comment with me. Now that a few days have passed and more of this has come to light, I hope we can forgive one another for choices and judgments made in the heat of deep emotional turmoil. I appreciate your earnest desire to not repeat the mistakes of your past regarding your Christian witness, and I do not question in the slightest that the Holy Spirit put it on your heart to do better towards others in your life. But we must be careful to discern well our actions--even those inspired by God--when we ourselves are in the midst of crisis and exhaustion. When we are buckling under the weight of our own crosses it does not take much at all to fumble or to lack clarity in whatever it is we are trying to do, even with the purest intentions driving it. We fail to notice things that, in a time of clarity, we might have. Your initial questions and comments, for example, might have been received much differently were Thespia not herself hurting deeply. You asked some good questions, especially inviting her to ask God for guidance in discerning what are His hopes for her. For example I did not feel that you were saying she was a bad actress or that she was not really talented but I can see how Thespia, already hurting from the events of her day and week, reacted out of pain and misinterpreted your efforts. My hope is that she will accept your apology and we can all have peace here again.
ReplyDeleteThespia, can you understand his intentions and what he was trying to say, and can you see how your feelings at the time might have caused you to interpret his message in a light it was not intended to be seen in? Judging by his latest response it seems like there were misunderstandings on both sides, and both of you have heavy enough crosses without having to toss this unnecessary one on top of the heap. You were in a battle of emotions and life circumstances, surrounded on all sides, and suddenly an arrow passes uncomfortably close by your head; you look to see where it came from and see 535678 holding his bow. He, on his part, saw you in trouble and did his best to help defend you but, sadly, missed. In the heat of the battle you interpreted his arrow as a hostile one, but it was not intended as such. Since his comments, then, "missed the mark" and were not helpful to you, why not let them go? He has seen his mistake and seems ready to move on from it. Love is a Christian virtue, as you rightly have posted here, but so is forgiveness.
I am praying for you, Sir, as you grieve the loss of your grandfather. And I pray for you daily, Thespia, but you already knew that. :-)
Here we are, two months later.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if your random Twitter comment posted yesterday about my grandfather dying was sincere, or if you were mocking me for it. Unfortunately, it feels like the latter given your other comments yesterday. I hope I'm wrong. And no, I don't hate you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Amy Pond @thespia · 21h 21 hours ago
Where is my anonymous hater? I hope you are dealing with your grandparent dying.