A Quiet Moment from my Wedding

May we have many more quiet, private moments in our lives.  We desperately need them.  Everything is so public nowadays.

When was the last time you took a quiet moment for just yourself?  And for God?  Put your phone away and enjoy the gift of quiet. 

Thoughts on the massage table

A particularly wonderful priest friend of mine heard my confession and gave me the penance of having to do something nice for just myself.  This might seem odd, but for people like me, and maybe you, we get caught up so much in doing a million things, doing the right thing, being perfect, and trying to correct the world's wrongs that little things like sitting down for a cup of tea and just enjoying the moment are mostly overlooked.  So, off to the massage spa I went.

I lay there as I started relaxing to enjoy my medium pressure massage.  There was no particular pain or problem area I wanted worked on, just to enjoy an hour of quiet, spa music, dark, and the glorious feeling of a trained therapist touching my muscles.  My mind immediately started focusing on the stupid thing I had said right before my massage, and worrying what she thought of me.  "No." I corrected myself.  "I am doing this as a penance, and I need to be kind to myself even in my head while I do it".   So I forced my thoughts in a new direction.

I thought back to massages in the recent past.  I came into this chain, fighting back tears, to use the gift card my ex fiance had gotten me before it expired.  I had put it off as long as possible to avoid thinking of him, but it was a nice amount and I wanted a massage.  I take that back.  I needed a massage.  My shoulders were so tight that they were crunchy.  Anxiety had so consumed my mind that it spilt over into my body.  My neck and shoulders hurt all the time.  They burned.  My throat and face hurt.  I was so sleep deprived that I had to take pills to get a minimum amount of sleep, and even then I'd wake up and have to take more pills.  I was a wreck.   The kind ladies at the front desk took pity on me and set me up with someone they thought would help.

When I went to the appointment, the lady told me I looked really stressed.  I then almost burst into tears, telling her about my whole experience being abandoned by this man, my life being so shattered.  I cried the whole massage.  I had heard of this happening before.  Massages can get deep into your emotions, because our bodies, hearts, and minds are all connected.    Despite all the messy, snotty tears through that hole in the headrest, that massage was great.  The lady told me she was Catholic and had been praying for me the whole time.  What a blessing!  I went back to her a few times before she disappeared from the location.

The girl I went to after that was a one-time therapist.  She was amazing and I wish I knew what happened to her.  She introduced me to clary sage essential oil which is great to combat anxiety.  I went out and bought some for my diffuser and it became a daily thing for me.  I went back and requested her but they said she had left the company.  Alas.

At this point I was dating my now-husband.  I cautiously proceeded on, dealing with my own body and mind in weekly talk therapy as well as massages.  I kept working out.  I made sure I kept eating.  I was happy, laughing...on-edge with caution, but falling in love.  Falling in love backwards, so to speak.  I never had those lighting strike feelings with my Hunter.  It was calm and gentle at first, and I was the one who had to warm up to him.  Now that we are married, it's like first love, with the coos and silly songs and things that gag me when I see others doing them.  But I can do them, because having a husband is great like that.

Fast forward to the day before my wedding.   I had booked a massage for myself and my matron of honour as a part of our spa-day activities.  We asked for therapists who are good for that type of thing and I got another wonderful one.  It was amazing, and that's all I remember.  I was so focused on the wedding that it really must have helped me because I don't remember being stressed.  I do remember lying there thinking that my body...my whole self...would soon be his.  And that's really weird and scary for someone who waited for marriage to have sex!  I wasn't on edge or nervous about my wedding at all...just for little backstage things like my shoes being buckled right and my bracelet not catching on my dress. 

And now I've had two massages since being married.  It's a long, gradual timeline of comparison.  But I am relaxed now, like a melting ice cream cone.  I feel so accepted and loved. That "in-tune" with myself feeling I get during massages...that I could melt into the table and the music could become part of me...doesn't have to go away.  I love being married to my Hunter.  I look forward to a life with him.  Even if I can't afford to get massages much long (we are closing on a house on Tuesday!!) I am so glad I've invested in it.  It helps my tired feet and my formerly crunchy shoulders.  And, as a penance, I suspect it helps my soul a little. 

Thank you, Jesus, for wonderful things like massages and the healing power of touch. 

The power of love

I am here at my mom's house, doing what I do best, sitting at my little laptop in my workout clothes, drinking a diet coke, and typing away.

And my husband, way over in Dallas, is doing what he does best...gearing up to record a podcast, texting lame memes to his friends, and playing with the puppies.

But we love each other, and from near or far, that doesn't change.  It's good to be loved. 

Life is particularly good

My sweet husband gets up before I do and makes coffee.  Then he comes and kisses me goodbye when he goes to work.  And the little dog stays in bed with me until she hears him cooking his eggs.  Then she gets up and gets her daily cheese from him, and then comes back to me in bed.  It's almost idyllic. 

We had a wonderful weekend.  Hunter had to work Saturday for graduation at his school, and packing up classroom things and such.  I made Tuscan chicken with zucchini noodles and pistachios.  It turned out really well!  I made way too much and we ended up having leftovers for the next 3 days.  I think this is the way to go.

I'm starting to theorize that 1950s housewives went to the grocery store almost everyday.  It makes me want to wear a dress and heels every time I go during the day.  The day is the best time to go...around 10 am. 

Sunday I sang at the Anglican church, as usual, for the morning.  There is only one week left in my church choir before we get out for the summer.  I always miss it, but I also enjoy sleeping in or being able to go to the 10:30 mass at St. Mary The Virgin.

Then we went to my mom's house and I got her some flowers for the backyard.  I felt like planting these because we've always planted the flowers together, and this is the first year I've been married and living away so that I couldn't be there as much.  Hunter helped me carry them.

  Aren't I mean? 

I just love him.

Memorial day we had my half brother and sister-in-law over along with their two youngest kids.  We ate good food and went swimming in the backyard at my mom's.  We all had a really nice time.  Being the whitest of white people, the sun zapped us and Hunter and I had the best nap afterward!  Then we came back to Dallas and ate leftovers and watched X-Files, and had some wine.

Such is married life, so far.  Now I'm back to more laundry and finding something for lunch.  We leave for Italy in 6 days!  Ciao!

What I've Learned in my Month as a Wife

I hesitated to write this post, with this title.   I'm sure that any woman who has been married longer than me (and that's most people I know) will snicker at the nativity of this post.  But I realize that this is my reality, and it's just as real and good and important as me telling myself to not write at all because I have nothing new to offer the world.  I offer the world me, as a married woman, figuring this all out on my own!  So here it is...in all my newlywed glory:  what I've learned in my first month as a wife.

I think a lot less about sex.

Let's jump right to the good stuff, shall we?  Our world is obsessed with sex.  It is everywhere.  Even in its hiddenness, it's there.  Its on every TV show, every time you look down at that phone in your hand.  In every song, every movie, every outfit, every thought and conversation and politician and award show.  Directly, indirectly...there it is.  And as a devotee of Jesus Christ, I waited to have sex till I was married.  That part is good, and it gets really freaky weird to say that when you are over 25.  But for some reason, I was able to muster my stubbornness and hold out.   As my fellow products of evangelical purity culture might be able to attest, we were pretty obsessed with sex in our own way.  The "True Love Waits" culture was an obsession with not having sex, and in essence, put sex on a pedestal so it became this odd, larger than life monster under the bed.  I have plenty more to say about this, but for now, I'll just say this:  once a married person is having a regular, healthy, stable sex life, things are totally different.  Sex isn't salacious or hidden or on a pedestal.  It just is.  We just are.  Our marriage is.  It feels so nice to relax and not obsess about it.  Sex before marriage is a big deal, and sex in marriage is a big deal, but for totally different reasons.  I am so happy to be freed from the anxiety caused by years of unhealthy ideas about sex brought about by a system with good intentions, but a failure to capture the vast importance of the whole person in its warnings.  Sex is marriage is good, y'all.  And bonus points if open to life.

I think a lot more about dinner.

Whoa!  Before getting married, dinner was about how many calories I could have vs. what I wanted.  And when I could eat, what I had to do after, and how much time I had.  I have three jobs and spent most of my life driving between them, and then dating my boyfriend and balancing all that with food.  Not anymore!  I totally get why people gain weight after their weddings!  (I am trying really, really hard to not do that).  Now I have all that to think about, plus what my husband can eat and what is his schedule, if he's staying late at work, if he will be home in time for the crock pot to cook, plus all the things I thought about before.  It's harder than it seems!  I have to admit that I haven't figured it out yet, but I'm having a really awesome time playing with all the awesome kitchen toys we got for our wedding gifts!  I have to admit that the first time I cooked him dinner, I melted one of the plates he had made as a child by cooking microwave bacon on it.  After getting over being horrified and newlywed tears for fear of hurting his feelings...we had a pretty good dinner!.

A woman's work is never done.

I don't care if it isn't feminist.  I have always wanted to take care of a husband.  So, right out of the box, I cheerfully put that big pile of laundry in the washing machine and meticulously folded it when dry, organized his sock drawers, separated by colours, and felt very proud of myself when it was all finished.  The towels were perfectly stacked in the newly organized linen closet (I even installed motion lights in there!) and the new dinner napkins were put away, and the bathroom counter spotless.

Fast forward 3 days - I have the shock of a kindergartener waking up from naptime when I realize I have to do all of this again.  There is a constant rotation of laundry, plates, cleaning, towels, etc...but I'm not in control of it.  You might be reading this and thinking I'm kind of slow to not know this.  That might be true, but as an only child, I have been in control of how quickly things get worn and cleaned, where towels end up, and that kind of thing.  It just takes a lot of getting used to being part of the cycle instead of the whole thing.  I envy and applaud women who keep wonderfully clean, cheery houses while doing this with a husband and 4 kids.  I have no idea how you do it!

Stability kills anxiety.

Over the past year and half I have realized that suffered from anxiety for as long as I can remember.  I would lie in bed and worry about past mistakes and situations instead of sleeping.  I got so anxious on math tests that I froze up and had to stay in from recess my entire 6th grade year because I was so behind.  Fear of messing up or being analyzed by a teacher or peer was crippling.  As I've gotten older, my anxiety has changed.  When I had a traumatic breakup before meeting Hunter, my anxiety became profound and nestled itself into my shoulders and neck, causing pain and tension that I felt 90% of my waking hours.  Being in a healthy and stable dating relationship helped this a lot.  Being engaged helped too, but wedding planning added it's own stresses.

Since the wedding, my anxiety is gone.  I have felt a twinge of it maybe one or two times, but nothing like I was all those months ago.  This won't necessarily be everyone's experience.  But adding stability to my life has brought so much healing and grace.  Part of the problem is that when we are damaged people, we tend to seek out other damaged people and the cycle continues.  I urge anyone who has trouble with anxiety, depression, or can't seem to get out of a chaotic existence to seek out therapy so that you can bring some stability to life.  It is so worth it!  God bless Hunter for being my rock all this time.

I am a baby wife...just a newlywed of one month!  I have so much to learn and I realize that it's going to take grace and love from both me and my darling husband to make this work.  But it's so good.  I love being married.  I love caring for him and putting away his shirts.  I love him.  I can't wait for marriage month 2!

We are going on our honeymoon to Italy in less than two weeks!  Let me know if you have any tips or ideas!  Thank you for reading!

One week as a wife

I wanted to blog a ton during my enagagement.  I really, really did! 
But it was so busy, so stressful...so everything that kept me on my toes.  It just didn't happen.  I'm sorry for that.

But, like Mary, I've "pondered all these things in my heart" and I have a lot to say.

I've been a wife for one week as of today. 
What bliss!  What heavenly beckoning of peace and stability and acceptance!

All my fears were obliterated.  Everything I was worried about is nothing. 

It is normal, and good, and holy.  And real life.  And I attract attention on the street or in the store because I'm glowing.  It's not a roller coaster.  It's steady and stable and real. 

I have waited a clownishly long time for this.  And it's here.  And it was totally worth the wait. 

Big question of the day:  my first meal as a wife is in the slow cooker.  Will it be a hit or a miss?  The world waits with bated breath!

I've realized that I have a sudden rush of fear and overwhelming emotion when I am physically hurt.  I wonder if it's from being dropped as a kid...