My miscarriage

I've started to write this post multiple times, and each time I've hit a mental roadblock.  In things like this it's some times best to just say it and not try to be wordy or clever.  So here it is:

I've had a miscarriage.

Why do I feel the need to publically say this?  I have always felt a little iffy toward people who share this very private sad thing with the world, almost as if it's too intimate let it out to non-family and close friends.  So why am I now doing it?

Because I had no idea how hard this early miscarriage would hit me, and how alone I would feel.  I don't have a huge support system, especially in the summer when I'm not working.  I have my precious husband and very close family and a few friends, but that's all.  I've been comforted with things when sharing it which have been very comforting and helpful.  I've also been told some unhelpful things, such as "lots of people have this happen to them", "you should smile, because God wants you to be happy".  But mostly it's deafening silence and loneliness. 

My pregnancy wasn't very far along, at all,  but it was still my baby.  It was still a life.  It was still a child I will never get to hold.  This was my first pregnancy.  The roller coaster of that first few days of elation when finding out, only to be crushed with worry and then utter heartbreak later.

I am very depressed, especially since my husband went back to work the day after the miscarriage occured.  I am still home for two weeks before I start teaching again.  I am trying so hard to stay busy and get things done, but I'm having a hard time.  I'm very hopeful that I will get pregnant again, since this was so soon after my surgery.  But there's always that fear: that nagging feeling that this was the only time and that I'll never have a child. 

I've placed myself in Jesus' hands and He has never let me down. 
If you please could say a prayer for me, I would much appreciate it. 

My little saint in Heaven - Aug 3rd, 2019

Operating Table Opera

Funny story!





I had day surgery yesterday. I alerted the anesthesiologist ahead of time that I am a professional singer and intubation was not an option for me. He agreed to use an LMA so no harm would come to my vocal cords. The downside to telling him about being a singer was that when I was wheeled into the operating room, the entire team was asking me to sing something. Ordinarily I would have declined, but I'd already had an IV full of Propofol and Versed, so I was high as a kite. I burst into "O Mio Babbino Caro" right there on the operating table, but I was displeased with my sound and started explaining that I wasn't warmed up, but as soon as I tried to explain, a mask with delicious gas was placed over my face, and I was gone.


Anesthesia is a strange and wonderful thing. I am so thankful for modern medicine, and for medical staff who must be thoroughly entertained on a daily basis.

A New Day

I've had some down days this week.  It's really been a whirlwind.  I have thought a lot about how open or not open I want to be in our TTC journey (I really hate the word "journey" sometimes, as it's applied to every single thing in life in peoplespeak).  But hey, we've been married just over a year, trying to have a baby, and I'm old.

So I have had blood tests and pills and sonograms and shots, and this month I thought I was pregnant.  I even got a positive test.  Then a negative test the next day.  I thought I was having a chemical pregnancy (very early miscarriage) and was devastated.  But the blood test and doctor said I wasn't.  I'm still confused about this. 

That was all 3 days ago, and I'm just now rebounding from it.  My sweet husband has been all kinds of sweet and strong.  He came to rehearsal with me last night and just sat and read a book next to me so I could have him there.  I love him.

Today I feel much better.  I am out to conquer the world, as soon as I get out of bed.  I have two sweet doggies next to me.  I'm out of school for the summer.  Depression isn't hitting me as hard today as it has the past few days.  I'm okay with not being pregnant, and I marked this by having a glass of wine last night.  I have been cleaning my house and working on a quilt and a few various other projects around the house.  Getting to have that little bit of caffeine in the morning feels amazing. 

Let's have a good day, okay? 

Christian Music

I used to really try to fit into a Christian box.

The years between 2002-2004 ..ish  I was going to Dallas Baptist University, which was full of evangelicals who all liked the same music.  I remember listening to these foreign sounding songs in chapel, and I would close my eyes and try to feel the same intense emotions everyone else seemed to be feeling.  But I just felt empty and sad.  I believed, and knew I SHOULD feel this joy like everyone else did, but I didn't. 

I would seek out those songs on the radio and try to force myself to listen to them (CCM - Contemporary Christian Music), but it sounded so vapid to me.  Empty.  I didn't like that music, and I didn't try very long.

I found solace in choral music we were singing in DBU Choral. 
And I still do.
I like it when I go to mass, now, and don't have to feel anything.  I can just exist, in silence.  Silence and listening and watching.  Just how I like it. 

Lionhearted Girl

John Everett Millais, “Joan of Arc” (1865) // Florence + the Machine, “Rabbit Heart (Raise it Up)” (2009)



We gotta be strong.
We can't let the darkness overcome us.
Even when fellow Catholics throw us under the bus, we must keep our eyes on Jesus.


From Covington School boys...back to Joan of Arc.
Faithful Catholics staying strong.


May I love Jesus so much that I am calm and still in the face of mockery and hate.

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Balance

Big changes coming this semester, and I'm not one who handles change very well.

This whirlwind year of marriage and teaching has been a Frankenstein style mashup of all my jobs I had before marriage, plus taking care of a new puppy, a house, moving an hour in traffic away from my old job, and teaching at the gym.  Basically, I realized in 2017 that I'm superwoman and that I can do way more than I thought.

But that doesn't mean I should do more than I thought, as evidenced my the effects of stress on my body.  I am a very energetic person, but I need downtime like no ones's business because at the heart of all my personality, I am an introvert.  I need to sit in silence, without stimulation.  It is so hard for me to not be Super Housewife™ when I am finally home after teaching all day, driving in traffic, picking up dinner to make.  I find it hard to sit down.  There is always more to be done, and I end up exhausting myself and running on adrenaline to my detriment. 

I am trying to have a baby, here!  I went and saw the doctor and he suggested that stress could be making it harder for me to get pregnant and that cutting down my stress would help in so many ways.  I am taking this to heart.  Not only for future possible (hopeful) baby, but for me and my sweet husband.  I don't need to go ballistic all the time.  I need some balance.

So, I'm cutting back on my long drive days, and spreading out my high school students to two days.  I'm also picking up some 5th and 6th graders to fill out the hours between high school lessons.  On paper this looks a lot more easy going, but we'll see.  I'm notorious for taking on too much.

I do fantasize about being a housewife.  Women's lib ruined the workforce for men, flooded it with too many workers, and now we have an economy based on a two person income.  I hate that.  But these past few days at home, I've been depressed.  I know I'd go crazy without some project to work on, or a little fire under me to get me going toward the next thing.

So, do pray for me if you would.  I'm trying so hard to be a woman of God and not over do it, or be lazy.  Balance has always been hard for me.