The flipside of unreality

As the shadows clear away from this terrible thing,

I realize how much damage has been done.

The obvious damage (the trauma of being lied to, believing the lies that I was going to be married this summer, planning my life around being a wife, setting up things to make that happen, things like that) is not the only thing, but only part.

The other part is the emotional trauma that comes from not only being lied to, but being abandoned in a very dramatic and inappropriate way.  Going from "we are still engaged" one minute to "I am leaving you and I'll never see or talk to you again" another minute is not a normal or appropriate way to leave someone.  In any way, shape, or form.  Since the person who did this is not worth my time or energy, I will try to not write about him, but about me and my hope for healing.

I am struggling with the physical effects of anxiety.

At first I couldn't sleep or eat.  I lost 10 lbs in a week.  I have since taken care of that (thanks be to God!).  I have been flooded with the love of good friends, more love than I ever knew that people loved me.  It's amazing.

But anxiety is still there.

It's not fair.  It makes me feel weak.  It makes me nervous.  And it's not fair.  I already said that.

I realize that I am a ******* survivor, and that no one can get at me anymore.

This is true.  It's real and true and it kicks me in the face when I start feeling despair.  I have proven to myself that I am 5 million times stronger than I thought I was.  All the lies he told me became things to overcome, and I've done it.

But that physical anxiety...there it is.

My shoulders feel like they are on fire most of the time.

My face burns.  My arms burn.  I am short of breath.

I have to step away from people and focus on calming my breathing.

It really sucks, because I like to be calm.  I like to be in control, and savvy, and witty and not ruled by any kind of emotion.

But there it is.  It's like PTSD, when some sound or an explosion on TV can trigger someone.  Normal things do this to me.  When a sweet, well meaning man tells me I'm the only girl, the alarm bells go off in my head.  How can I know if he's lying?  How can I trust him?  How can I trust anyone?  How can I trust myself?

I seriously hope that God in His heaven is not light on the consequences to a man who would cause such terrible pain in not just one, but at least 3 girls.  

I want justice borne out in my body for the nights I haven't slept.

I want justice borne out in my mind for the fact I can't ******* trust anyone anymore.

I want vindication in how my heart has been held hostage for far too long.  One second wasted on him was far too long.

I am dating someone.

He is a blank slate, as far as I'm concerned.

He doesn't deserve to live in someone's shadow.  May Jesus come swiftly to clear away the shadows with His own light.  May truth be illuminated in this whole thing, so that no one can hide.

And may I not push him away just because a sociopathic narcissist tried to ruin my life.  He couldn't ruin it.  He failed.  He is a failure, and I am not.

I am so much more.  I live in truth, reality, and hope.

And Jesus is there.

He may be able to earn my trust.  Time will tell.

My commitment is to hope, honesty, love, kindness, and reality.