Future Husbands, Pray for Us!

I just finished reading a silly, fairy tale children's book, and it made me long for him.
Him...whoever he is, if he exists. And if I'm not over romanticizing him. (Which I very well may be, but I'm so jaded in every other aspect of romance that I feel I can allow myself a few silly minutes to dream about his good qualities).

To my future husband:
I freaking miss you. I'm lonely for you. There is nothing more I want right now than to cuddle up into your arms and make you so glad you married me. (I am talking about marriage here...so you can interject any naughty images that brings up, if you want. No shame in it.)
I don't feel like this a lot, and I know it's not unique to just me to feel this way. But right now, I am praying for you. I hope you are praying for me. I could sure use it!

Please pray that I'm strong, that I don't lose hope, that I keep myself pure for you.
Pray that I see a broad picture of the future and don't only focus on myself.
Pray that I will be patient.
Pray that I'll do you good now, even before I know who you are.
Pray for our marriage...that we will be prepared for a wild, difficult ride that will ultimately glorify God.
Pray that I won't be too depressed and let myself become more negative and cynical.
Pray that I'll glorify God now, and not just dream about tomorrow.


I am not always the best future wife, but right now I really want to be.



April 25th, 2009

Lustre

By a crisp December morning
We'll harvest these seeds of love - sown in May
With prayers and tears, and hours on knees
And darkness unfled, nothing unspilled.

You've poured your love on me
Only mixed with breath - Untempered by touch
In prayers collected by a Spring wind
In the mirror of the thoughts of God.

Come with me, love-drunk on a dream!
Run aground this airy flight
And talk of every nothing we can spin
Unrepentant future, unspent.

The night buds have burst
Their scent drowning time like wine
Bashful darkness hides her head in shame
We will shine on till morning.


Oct. 11, 2009

Burn

If God wants a fire,
If He wants to set my heart on fire,
To give light and warmth

I will walk through fiery trials to get there.

And nothing burns better than the bitter, dried up wood that my heart used to be.



June 23rd, 2009

I'll have warmth to give you

I'll have warmth to give you
In a short time I'll
Press my face to the Glass
not just fog with breath
rest with me
share this space for one
Two is half too many
it must be One
for the spark of formerly lonely nights.

October 4th, 2009

Every 3rd Day - an Intro to Fire Life

I am the babbiest of babies in the "Fire Life".  So I know if some awesome senior fire department wife finds this blog and reads it, she'll probably laugh and roll her eyes.  If she's Southern, she might say "Bless her heart".  And that's okay.  I hope to do that too, someday.

Today I'm feeling it keenly - the one day on, two days off schedule.  Don't get me wrong, it's a great system.  It works.  I'm really grateful for it.  It is a tremendous blessing to me right now.  I don't think I could date someone who had a regular 9-5 job.  I am working 3 jobs, which is the equivalent of a full time job.  It's a juggling act!  My whole life I've battled laziness and irresponsibility.  I was a blanket burrito throughout most of college, depressed during my 20s, etc.  I did a lot of things well, but I'd give up sometimes.  Take on less than I could.  Build in escapes.  Undersell myself.  I've always been content with someone taking care of me.

Not that I don't want to be taken care of!  But in my 30s, I figured I'd messed around enough and that it was time to get serious about my life.  I've always been intensely serious inwardly, with ideas and beliefs and desires.  But I couldn't quite make that translate to the bravery required to work really hard for a really long time.  Well, here I am, world.  I am teaching 54 voice students a week, teaching a class at the gym, and singing professionally at a church.  I'm about to take on opera rehearsals.  Put on top of all that my conversion to the Roman Catholic faith.  It's a busy and beautiful life!

Enter Mr. Wonderful.  The Mister of my life.  A hunk of a man who came out of nowhere and swept me off my feet.  He is gentle, kind, strong, talented, smart as the dickens, musical, verbal, sciency, and loves Jesus.  I don't want to live my life without him.  I love him.

And he's a firefighter.

Which means 33% of his life is lived at the fire station.  The other 2/3rds is very free.  Like anything, it has pros and cons.  On the pro side, I am free to be an introvert and have my precious alone time.  This is a need for me.  I get snippy, anxious, and tired when I am around people too much.  I have time to scheme and plan and be independent a bit.  Also, on his two days off, he can come see me at odd hours (lunch break) or all day if he wants.  Super cool.

The con side I am feeling right now.  Christopher is at the fire station, and I am home in bed.  I feel ill, like I might be coming down with something.  I'm not advocating that he should drop everything and come sit with me, at all.  But it's hard to converse with him even on the phone between calls.  It's spotty, and good.  I'm so grateful for it.  Absence DOES make the heart grow fonder.  I'm spending time with Jesus in prayer, relying on Him.  It's good.  But I miss Christopher.

Actually...bottom line, I WANT to become an expert on this way of scheduling my life.  I'm excited about my life.  I'm excited about growing closer to my boyfriend and becoming great at communicating through these unique challenges.  Weird to talk so assuredly with 'just dating'?  Maybe.  I don't care.  I'm done with my 20's style underselling myself and building in escapes.  I'm gonna do this.  Even when I feel like poop, like right now.  Because he's out there, through the night watches, fighting for me.  And for you.

That's what love does.  We aren't alone.  Not even on station days.

Betweenpie

My own heart let me more have pity on; let
Me live to my sad self hereafter kind,
Charitable; not live this tormented mind
With this tormented mind tormenting yet.
I cast for comfort I can no more get
By groping round my comfortless, than blind
Eyes in their dark can day or thirst can find
Thirst's all-in-all in all a world of wet.

Soul, self; come, poor Jackself, I do advise
You, jaded, let be; call off thoughts awhile
Elsewhere; leave comfort root-room; let joy size
At God knows when to God knows what; whose smile
's not wrung, see you; unforeseen times rather — as skies
Betweenpie mountains — lights a lovely mile.

Gerard Manley Hopkins

There is a stretch of jaw

leading down to the crease of your neck

Where my nose can nuzzle into my future

All the thoughts that pile up and day over day spill

into your waiting arms, into that exquisite patch of rough, manly stubble.

and planting a kiss

I unplant my fears

toss them into the grey sky

So an October wind blows them far away, into the Advent

of the coming of the Bridegroom

And salty, dewy, delicious skin

I am allowed for a moment or two

Where I might safely giggle, or dream, or want, or long

But always be loved.

Press me there, may I tell my whimsy to your throat

Kiss me at least a hundred more times

Let my lips flit upon yours 

Let me be Home, just a moment more!

Let my hairs stay snagged on you somehow

Let me live on long after I've gone

Let me find you tomorrow 

Hungrier than today, but satisfied

Knowing each day I will come to you with myself

With an offering of the best of me, as the Lord wills it

He made my nose cold

And your skin rough

..and mine soft...

We shall know Him in our lacking, 

in our longing

And in our loving.

Come, holy friend.

You on the nightwatch

Me in my bed, asleep.

You pay me compliment just by being. 

Let me love you, scratchy as you are.

I will nuzzle you on the morrow.

And a million times onward.