Choosing Positivity

For a "deep" person like me, people who were bubbly and positive always seemed shallow.  As a depressed teenager, I was full of angst and classical music and nights were spent in a candle-lit bedroom pretending to be Desdemona or Juliet, or maybe Eponine from Les Miserables.  The real and important people were always depressed or fading away from life, and the fake shallow people were happy.  I know now that this was just a way for me to deal with my own depression and trauma from childhood abuses.  It's pretty clever how kids can survive so much.  

If you have been reading my blog, Twitter, or listening to my online rants for any length of time, you might know that the past year has been an

absolute beating for my husband and me.  Starting in July of last year with our first pregnancy after a year of trying ending in miscarriage a few days later, to our second miscarriage over Christmas/New Years, to this ridiculous pandemic, to me losing most of my income and being laid off from the gym, being passed over for a wedding, everyone else being pregnant but me...it's been quite the year.  

Now I have a bit of hope brewing.  I'm not fully ready to share, but it's come to my attention that what I think, speak, and settle into actually have some bearing on my life and well-being.  Just sitting and marinating in my own thoughts and feelings needs some direction, because my "default" is definitely negativity.  

"Choosing Joy" is no longer a happy platitude.  It's a freaking hard task for me!  It is something I have to take elementary school type steps to approach.  As for now, I'm just choosing to say "I am grateful _______ and I'm choosing to enjoy rather than worry".  It's good medicine.  

The hardest thing is to remember that this doesn't make me shallow, and that depression isn't "deep".  

Get a hold of life.  Do hard things.