I still have never announced officially that I'm pregnant, not any of the three times I've been pregnant in the past year. I was always of the conservative mindset that you don't announce until the end of the first trimester when the "danger was mostly passed" (lol). Now that I've been pregnant three times, and never gotten past 10 weeks, I cannot conceive of being past the first trimester. I was talking with my husband yesterday, before I got the utterly shocking phone call that my HCG had plummeted, and saying that it's so hard to be hopeful because I literally cannot imagine having a huge belly at this point, or seeing a heartbeat on the scan, or taking a baby home. It's a foreign concept.
Pregnancy to me is like playing Stella in "A Streetcar Named Desire", which I did. It's putting on a pregnant suit and taking it off a few days or weeks later. It's acting. It's not real.
But the devastation that follows it is real. Whew momma, is it real. It's lying in bed, silently crying and scrolling though Twitter while I emo tweet what I'm feeling and delete most of them later on. It's messaging a few select people who I only talk to when I'm trying to get pregnant or losing a baby. It's seeing babies in public, at mass, the store...wherever, and feeling my heart rate spike. It's the endless pregnancy announcements that feel like a lead weight in my stomach. It's watching myself become a more and more bitter and angry person every time it happens. It's seeing myself rapidly age in the mirror. It's having to go back and tell a few people that my pregnancy will no longer be an issue in their plans. And then the actual miscarriage - curled up with cramps as my body goes through a tiny labor, canceling plans because "I'm not feeling well", and having to put on a brave face to a world that didn't even know I lost yet another child.
This isn't a fun post to write or read. But I must get my feelings out. COVID-19 and the ensuing societal political dog-and-pony show have taken away my coping mechanisms. I need to GET AWAY, but where? Everywhere has restrictions. I can't go visit my friends in New Mexico or New Orleans because there is nowhere to go once we get there. Restrictions, distancing, capacity limits. Places closed. Quarantines. The political implications aside, wearing a mask is chipping away at my sanity. I need to be FREE right now and it is a very visceral set of chains to me. I feel the world is closing in on me and it's hard to breathe.
I stopped being open with the world years ago when the politics started heating up to the point where people couldn't disagree and respect each other. Now that I've lost my jobs, my income, all of my babies, and my social life...I'll probably start writing here a bit more. (I hope). I need community even though I'm an introvert. I need people to talk to. I need support. I have the best husband in the world, but the weight of all of this is too much to bear.
I'm listening ❤️
ReplyDelete