World Without End

It is as if all the tears and knots and wounds unmended are twisting into a rope around my head and heart, today.  I am dizzy from allergies, swimmy headed from funny sleep patterns and coughing fits.  I am flooded with memories, fears, taunts, and worries from years past.

I do not know why I was under such attack yesterday.  From every angle. Insecurity, issues regarding trust and pastors, the Evangelical church and friendship, jealousy, sexual temptation both in kind and jealous despair, sadness over the terrible state of our sinking culture, and a mind that can't focus or remember. Plus, I was supposed to getting married in a few weeks.  It's all a blur.  A blur of blues and the sun hurting my eyes.

I am here, but I am terrified.
I am terrified, but I am Yours.
You are contractually obligated to take care of me.

These are old hurts.  The temptation is rage against myself instead of stepping into healing is an old one.  I am old.  I am weary.  But I notice how less inclined I am to run from God.  It is all I can do sometimes to cry and realize that things haven't gone my way and He's all I have left. I think that's a good place to be.

Vade retro Satana! Nunquam suade mihi vana! Sunt mala quae libas. Ipse venena bibas!