My world came crashing down when my fiance suddenly left me about 4 months before our wedding. Since our wedding was supposed to be this week, I am both celebrating NOT getting married to a dubious and unhealthy person, and I'm also thinking about how I can help others survive emotional trauma. It really sucks when someone breaks promises and messes up your plans. It sucks even more when someone succeeds in fooling you into permanent choices. I am SO GLAD I got out of that unhealthy situation.
Here are a few things I did to survive.
Phase One: Triage.
St. Patrick's Day has always been a day of sadness in our family. My mom's brother died at home when she was 10, and it's been a day that depression has cast a shadow over things, for as long as I can remember. My sweet mom does well in her fight against depression, but some days are hard for families, and this is one of them. My ex-fiance knew this was a tough day for our family, and he picked this day to drop an emotional atomic bomb on us all. He came over, while my mom was there, and broke up with me with a cold and calculated affect, and then just left. A bad day got immeasurably worse. Since she heard the whole thing, she was there with me (thank God!). I somehow acted quickly, instead of collapsing in tears I picked up my phone and called my therapist (also a priest), and he said to come over right away.
Get Professional Help
I climbed in the car with my mom and we both went to see him at his office. He gave some very practical advice: one foot in front of the other. Day to day- keep going, keep eating, keep getting out of the house, be around people. Clear away the unnecessary things and focus on the basics. These first few days were hell on earth, but I got through them.
After a few weeks of not being able to sleep and losing my appetite, I also went and got some help from a doctor. Do not be tricked into shame if you need help in this way! You will deal with your issues so much more effectively if you aren't crippled by anxiety and depression! These mental illnesses steal your ability to heal. Do not think it's pathetic or weak to need help. Doctors are for the sick. They want to help you get better.
Tell People you Trust
Before this, I had been very private and guarded with my personal issues. But when this happened, I felt like I had nothing to hide. I took what could have been a lot of false shame, and turned it back on the person who really was in the wrong. I needed to talk about it. I talked, and talked, and talked, cried, and talked some more. I reached out and my friends took me into their homes, gave me tea and Kleenex, and just sat and listened. One dear friend came and slept in my bed with me like we were 15. Another took me to a movie. A male friend offered to "take care of this person". Each friend offered his or her strengths, in their own ways. I never knew so many people cared until I reached out.
Growing up as a Christian, putting others first was always a message I heard. This is a good and true thing, no doubt. But when someone is sick, that person needs care. When that person is you, it is okay to be a little selfish. Make healing and self-care your priority. No one else can feel what you are feeling, so it's okay to "befriend" yourself. Listen to your body. Listen to your emotional needs. I went to work every single day after this happened, except for one afternoon. I couldn't stop tearing up at work, so I gave myself permission to go home and go to bed and cry. I resisted the urge to feel guilty for "skipping out". For the most part, everyone totally understood and told me it was okay to take the time I needed! And you know what? The world didn't end. I benefitted from it, and so did people around me.
Stay Close to Jesus
For a while there, I was at daily mass often, weeping as quietly as possible. One time I asked the secretary to let me into the church...and I just laid on the ground at the altar rail and wept. If I ever needed Jesus, it was then. I went to mass, went to confession, talked to my priest in his office, and made use of every good thing the Church has to offer. Do not neglect prayer and the sacraments. They are your lifeline.
Phase 2: Finding a Steady State
Forced Social Interaction
I am a person who enjoys being at home. I am an introvert. I'd rather lie in bed and type on the computer (like I'm doing now!) than go out and meet friends at a bar. But during this time, I noticed my patterns of despair. Being alone made it easier to fall into darkness and hopelessness, so I forced myself out in the world. I would get off from work and head to Starbucks. I sat there, sometimes for hours, and talked to people online on my phone, on Twitter, and silly social websites. I was involved in a Christian Chat room on Paltalk. Although these seem silly, I found support from real people (online and offline) that helped me through day to day life through light conversation.
When I was ready, I reactivated my dating profile. I got lots of people messaging me, and a few I messaged back. Those early messages were along the lines of "I've just been through some hard stuff and I need sometime...thank you so much for writing me and I hope we can correspond in the future". I didn't feel I was as ready as I thought, and I was careful to be honest about that with well-meaning young men who messaged me. There was one man who messaged me that I didn't write back for quite some time, and when I did, we cautiously corresponded for a few weeks before meeting up. After a few dates where he was "sure I didn't like him", I had to admit to him that I had been engaged and had it abruptly end in a traumatic way. He was so patient and kind, I'm so glad I was honest with him, because he's now my boyfriend. It takes time, but I was determined to get back out there and not let my ex control me through fear all men would be like him. I couldn't let him win.
Writing
An examined life is a life well lived. I am a huge fan of journaling. It doesn't have to be perfect, or consistent, or even good. I fall into the trap of wanting everything to be nice and neat when I write, but this time I did not have the energy to care. I wrote, I cursed, I screamed my words onto the paper. And then I threw it away. Journaling was a life-saver for me because I could try to make sense of what I was feeling and get it out in a totally safe, non-judgemental way. As a therapist once told me: "You can't hurt the paper's feelings."
Good Habits
I found solace in my schedule. I made some habits which wouldn't work long term, but at the time they comforted me. I stopped making coffee at home and stopped at Starbucks every morning on the way to work. I saw the same people everyday. They learned my name. I told some of the baristas what happened to me. We made a connection, and it felt good. Every Saturday morning I deposited my check in the bank. Every Sunday after church I'd go to Tom's Diner with my friends. Make a solid routine and it acts like a healthy anchor.
I also kept teaching my fitness classes at the gym. Working out is an amazing way to be healthy and combat depression. Even though I wasn't always 100 % up to par in my classes, just having them happen every week was magic to me.
Phase Three: Acceptance and Forgiveness
I am working on this phase right now. When I am further along, I will be able to comment more. But for now, believe that you can keep going!
I am a survivor. I am still going. I am not completely healed yet, but I wanted to tell my story of hope. Do not let fear stop you. When something awful happens, you have to keep moving. To stop moving is to die. Everyone has a different set of things that help, but you must remember that you are more resilient than you think you are. Keep going, no matter what! Health is a choice you must make, or you will end up like the people who hurt you. Now that you know how terrible it feels, you don't want to do that to anyone. No one deserves to be abused or mistreated.
I want you to have hope that things can be survived, and you can come out on the other side full of life and even BETTER than you were before this awful thing happened to you. You can't see it now, but keep going. You will get there. We will get there, together.
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