Goodbye, August

When you stunned me
(Stunted me)
You looked back at me with your cold, dead eyes
And cut me as a shameful notch in your belt
(another notch in your ax handle)

I took you and your pain
(our pain)
to the beach one sunny day
I cried you into the sand
watched the dolphins jump
and watched the sunny skies turn to rain
I cast you into the sea, and our pain
(your pain, that you handed me)
pulled out the blade, and bled you into the sea
looked back over my shoulder
and cast you, like a glance, into the water

Where you sank.
With all your sinking, miserable lies.
There you sink.  There you lie.
And the hurricane came and took you away,
as I drove on to sunnier skies
(Dallas skies)
And our month
(your month)
fades now away into memory
and while you drown in your misery
I am free.
God.
I am free.

Pop Pilates Training!

I just got word that I was accepted for a scholarship to get certified in Pop Pilates!  Along with my U-Jam and Bootybarre certifications, I will continue being able to teach awesome classes that also double to keep me in shape!

I was marvelling today at how good God is, working through our different circumstances.  As a fat kid in college and beyond, I never in a million years could have pictured myself being in shape, much less teaching fitness classes. 

I always marvelled at fitness instructors.  I figured they must exist on some higher plane (I now laugh heartily at this notion).  We are just regular people who enjoy getting our butts kicked and kicking other's butts at the same time.  I'm far from super fit, but I am maintaining a good, consistent workout and eating routine because I have to.  

Much like God kept me in church by giving me a church job, God has kept me in shape by giving me a gym job.  Over the past year, the emotional roller coaster I've been on could have left me much worse off if I had allowed depression to sink me.  Normal Amy would rather lie in bed for hours after work than haul her yoga pants to the gym and smile at people while sweating and calling out cues.  But it is good for me.  It's good for others.  And God is good for giving it to me.

This entire week I've been running around getting things done to start teaching voice.  I'm more organized this year, because I know what I expect since it's my 2nd year in this district.  It is fun and feels exciting, like the start of a new chapter.  I am really enjoying my life at the moment.

Never feel like life is ended.  Things change, and we can see them as detriments or jump on it and see change as opportunities.  The former is easier.  Let's do the later :) 

Normalcy

Some days, I feel like Jesus has built a nice white picket fence around me.

I am astounded by how the mind changes and heals when sin is quitted.
Normal, stable, non-grandiose life:  It's amazing.  Let's have more.

30 Day Shred Video

Hunter went back to work, and I am kinda stuck in limbo till my school starts.

We were doing the 30 Day Shred together, but now he does it at 6 am way over in Dallas while I'm still asleep in my nice comfy bed here in Fort Worth.  I can't be with him, so I made a video of me doing Level 2 so he could feel like I was there (and I can sleep!)

Working out is for everyone.

Let Love Heal You

There is not a human walking this planet who is not wounded.

Whether we hide them, nurse them, or flaunt them, we all have wounds from others.  Some people lash out to protect themselves.  Others harm themselves, both physically and emotionally, to act out these wounds over and over.  We don't deal well with pain.  I used to believe that my life would only be pain, and I was looking for a way to escape it.

Bodies heal with time and application of healthy things.  On the other side of the coin, we can interfere with our healing by doing things which harm us.  We can choose to eat terrible things which make us sick, fat, and feel awful.  I promise you that steamed broccoli and some seasoned chicken breast will make you feel better than eating a tub of ice cream.  Poking yourself with a needle or cutting yourself with a razor blade are bad things to do, not because they make you feel bad, but they interfere with the way your body is supposed to function.

But what of the heart?  People wounded by parents, by other kids, by an abuser, etc, are all confused and hurting.  Wounds aren't so straightforward when you can't see them.  Our bodies do us a favor by getting fatter or thinner when we abuse food.  Or by alerting us with pain when we are injured.  But the pain we feel over emotional hurt is trickier.  It becomes twisted and engrained in us.  It gets tangled around our good emotions, and becomes part of our personality.  Someone who is a jerk and acts out might do so because she is reacting to a wound, hidden away and so painful that something must be done.  But what?

Our hearts and souls are made to turn to God.  God is love.  God is healing and life and goodness.  These words are so simple, that they seem saccharine and unhelpful in the midst of pain.  Yet simple actions are the best.  We can care for ourselves and let God love us, and thus tap into His immense grace and healing.  But we must move slowly.  We must go one day at a time.  There is no rush.

I used to get so frustrated because I didn't know what to do when it came to dealing with my hurt and wounds.  Yet, recently, I've seen movements in my own heart toward the light and love of God, and I'd like to share some really simple things I've learned.  Simple is good for a soul like mine.  I'd rather catastrophize, think of grandiose ways that I could fail, worry myself to death, and then do nothing because I'm so overwhelmed.  Nope.  God has a better way.

1.  Soak in the love of God

Super cheesy thing to say.  But don't worry about that.  There are so many ways to do this, I know you can find something that isn't annoying.  For me, my mind runs away with me and I fall headlong into despair.  Thought after thought takes me away from God, into myself, and God knows where else.  Bring it back.  Tackle one thing at a time.

- Read a Psalm.  (remember, simplicity is your friend)

- Sing a positive song

- Memorize some scripture that speaks about the love of God.

- Speak the truth to yourself.

- Listen to some Christian music.  Chant is my favorite.

Combat the thoughts you are hearing with bright, glorious truth.  God is not fooled by Satan's lies.  Remember, we want to take ourselves toward the healing love of God, not away from it.  What does God want you to know about His love?  Go there with your thoughts.

2. Imagine Jesus healing you

Imagine you are sitting with Jesus.   Pick a place.  It could be your kitchen table.  Or the back row of your church.  Or the place where your abuse happened.  Ask Jesus some questions and imagine what He'd say.  If you know Him, you will know the difference between what He'd say and lies.  Ask Him to heal you.  See what He does.  Offer Jesus your thoughts and imagination and see what happens.  This is a new way to pray for me, and I've found it amazing.

3. Make a list of thankful things

Sometimes you can get so bogged down in negative thoughts that it's hard to see see straight.  Bring those thoughts back to Jesus by listing the good things that have happened recently, and thanking Him for them.  I bet it will be easy to think of things once you get started.

4.  Be around healing people

If you are constantly hearing negativity, it's hard to think of anything else.  Ask God to bring healing people into your life, and then reach out to them.  A good, holy person will listen and speak love to you in ways that edify you both.  Don't be afraid to be vulnerable with people who are trustworthy.  Just a reminder: if someone gossips about people, she probably isn't trustworthy.  Mature people will be honorable and kind to those around them.

Tip from a fellow sojourner in grace:  Take things one step at a time.  Focus on the tiny ways you can inch closer to God's love.  He is there and He cares for you.  It's not impossible for you to be healed of your wounds, but you have to let Him touch your heart.  It can be scary, but God is trustworthy.  Maybe just trust Him a little tiny bit more, and see what happens.  One thing at a time.

How I Survived Emotional Trauma

My world came crashing down when my fiance suddenly left me about 4 months before our wedding.  Since our wedding was supposed to be this week, I am both celebrating NOT getting married to a dubious and unhealthy person, and I'm also thinking about how I can help others survive emotional trauma.  It really sucks when someone breaks promises and messes up your plans.  It sucks even more when someone succeeds in fooling you into permanent choices.  I am SO GLAD I got out of that unhealthy situation.

Here are a few things I did to survive.

Phase One: Triage.

St. Patrick's Day has always been a day of sadness in our family.  My mom's brother died at home when she was 10, and it's been a day that depression has cast a shadow over things, for as long as I can remember.  My sweet mom does well in her fight against depression, but some days are hard for families, and this is one of them.  My ex-fiance knew this was a tough day for our family, and he picked this day to drop an emotional atomic bomb on us all.  He came over, while my mom was there, and broke up with me with a cold and calculated affect, and then just left.  A bad day got immeasurably worse.  Since she heard the whole thing, she was there with me (thank God!).  I somehow acted quickly, instead of collapsing in tears I picked up my phone and called my therapist (also a priest), and he said to come over right away.

Get Professional Help

I climbed in the car with my mom and we both went to see him at his office.  He gave some very practical advice: one foot in front of the other.  Day to day- keep going, keep eating, keep getting out of the house, be around people.  Clear away the unnecessary things and focus on the basics.  These first few days were hell on earth, but I got through them.

After a few weeks of not being able to sleep and losing my appetite, I also went and got some help from a doctor.  Do not be tricked into shame if you need help in this way!  You will deal with your issues so much more effectively if you aren't crippled by anxiety and depression!  These mental illnesses steal your ability to heal.  Do not think it's pathetic or weak to need help.  Doctors are for the sick.  They want to help you get better.

Tell People you Trust

Before this, I had been very private and guarded with my personal issues.  But when this happened, I felt like I had nothing to hide.  I took what could have been a lot of false shame, and turned it back on the person who really was in the wrong.  I needed to talk about it.  I talked, and talked, and talked, cried, and talked some more.  I reached out and my friends took me into their homes, gave me tea and Kleenex, and just sat and listened.  One dear friend came and slept in my bed with me like we were 15.  Another took me to a movie.  A male friend offered to "take care of this person".  Each friend offered his or her strengths, in their own ways.  I never knew so many people cared until I reached out.

Make Yourself a Priority

Growing up as a Christian, putting others first was always a message I heard.  This is a good and true thing, no doubt.  But when someone is sick, that person needs care.  When that person is you, it is okay to be a little selfish.  Make healing and self-care your priority.  No one else can feel what you are feeling, so it's okay to "befriend" yourself.  Listen to your body.  Listen to your emotional needs.  I went to work every single day after this happened, except for one afternoon.  I couldn't stop tearing up at work, so I gave myself permission to go home and go to bed and cry.  I resisted the urge to feel guilty for "skipping out".  For the most part, everyone totally understood and told me it was okay to take the time I needed!  And you know what?  The world didn't end.  I benefitted from it, and so did people around me.

Stay Close to Jesus

For a while there, I was at daily mass often, weeping as quietly as possible.  One time I asked the secretary to let me into the church...and I just laid on the ground at the altar rail and wept.  If I ever needed Jesus, it was then.  I went to mass, went to confession, talked to my priest in his office, and made use of every good thing the Church has to offer.  Do not neglect prayer and the sacraments.  They are your lifeline.


Phase 2:  Finding a Steady State

Forced Social Interaction

I am a person who enjoys being at home.  I am an introvert.  I'd rather lie in bed and type on the computer (like I'm doing now!) than go out and meet friends at a bar.  But during this time, I noticed my patterns of despair.  Being alone made it easier to fall into darkness and hopelessness, so I forced myself out in the world.  I would get off from work and head to Starbucks.  I sat there, sometimes for hours, and talked to people online on my phone, on Twitter, and silly social websites.  I was involved in a Christian Chat room on Paltalk.  Although these seem silly, I found support from real people (online and offline) that helped me through day to day life through light conversation.

When I was ready, I reactivated my dating profile.  I got lots of people messaging me, and a few I messaged back.  Those early messages were along the lines of "I've just been through some hard stuff and I need sometime...thank you so much for writing me and I hope we can correspond in the future".  I didn't feel I was as ready as I thought, and I was careful to be honest about that with well-meaning young men who messaged me.  There was one man who messaged me that I didn't write back for quite some time, and when I did, we cautiously corresponded for a few weeks before meeting up.  After a few dates where he was "sure I didn't like him", I had to admit to him that I had been engaged and had it abruptly end in a traumatic way.  He was so patient and kind, I'm so glad I was honest with him, because he's now my boyfriend.  It takes time, but I was determined to get back out there and not let my ex control me through fear all men would be like him.  I couldn't let him win.

Writing

An examined life is a life well lived.  I am a huge fan of journaling.  It doesn't have to be perfect, or consistent, or even good.  I fall into the trap of wanting everything to be nice and neat when I write, but this time I did not have the energy to care.  I wrote, I cursed, I screamed my words onto the paper.  And then I threw it away.  Journaling was a life-saver for me because I could try to make sense of what I was feeling and get it out in a totally safe, non-judgemental way.  As a therapist once told me:  "You can't hurt the paper's feelings."

Good Habits

I found solace in my schedule.  I made some habits which wouldn't work long term, but at the time they comforted me.  I stopped making coffee at home and stopped at Starbucks every morning on the way to work.  I saw the same people everyday.  They learned my name.  I told some of the baristas what happened to me.  We made a connection, and it felt good.  Every Saturday morning I deposited my check in the bank.  Every Sunday after church I'd go to Tom's Diner with my friends.  Make a solid routine and it acts like a healthy anchor.

I also kept teaching my fitness classes at the gym.  Working out is an amazing way to be healthy and combat depression.  Even though I wasn't always 100 % up to par in my classes, just having them happen every week was magic to me.

Phase Three: Acceptance and Forgiveness

I am working on this phase right now.  When I am further along, I will be able to comment more.  But for now, believe that you can keep going!


I am a survivor.  I am still going.  I am not completely healed yet, but I wanted to tell my story of hope.  Do not let fear stop you.  When something awful happens, you have to keep moving.  To stop moving is to die.  Everyone has a different set of things that help, but you must remember that you are more resilient than you think you are.  Keep going, no matter what!  Health is a choice you must make, or you will end up like the people who hurt you.  Now that you know how terrible it feels, you don't want to do that to anyone.  No one deserves to be abused or mistreated.

I want you to have hope that things can be survived, and you can come out on the other side full of life and even BETTER than you were before this awful thing happened to you.  You can't see it now, but keep going.  You will get there.  We will get there, together.

Extreme Unction

There are 7 sacraments offered by the Roman Catholic Church.  Baptism, Confirmation (Chrismation), the Eucharist, Confession, Holy Orders, Matrimony, and Anointing of the Sick.

This last one has a shroud of mystery around it to many people, and conjures up images of a priest visiting a dying person in the hospital, giving Last Rites and all that.  The idea is that a person must be at death's door to receive this rite.  While this may have been the practice for some time, the teaching of the church is that this sacrament is offered to anyone who is suffering from a serious illness, in hopes that the person may be healed physically and spiritually.  Through the ministry of the priest we remember that Jesus touched many sick people and healed them.  A person need not be dying to get this sacrament.

I received this sacrament a while back, and I wanted to tell my story.  I was skyrocketing toward marriage, making wedding plans with a date and priest meetings and designing a ring and making a list of wedding invites.  Everything was moving along.  It was finally happening for me.  Then the young man I was to marry threw a wrench in it all.

"I'm not sure if we should be together".

These words shattered my peace and life trajectory.  I was so devastated that I couldn't focus on anything else.  For three weeks I agonized, cried myself to sleep at night, and was so worried about the back and forth things he was saying that I became severely depressed.

I asked my confirmation sponsor (then a deacon) what I should do, and he suggested anointing of the sick.  I was worried I'd be judged for wanting this when I wasn't dying or even physically ill.  I had a million excuses in my head about why I shouldn't ask for this, and that I was silly or just wanted attention.  But my deacon friend assured me this is why the sacraments exist: for the people who need them.  He made me an appointment with his Jesuit superior.

I showed up to his office like a kid sent to the principal.  (I'm always like this when I'm nervous).  I went inside, and gingerly told him what was going on, that I had no peace, and desperately wanted Jesus to help me.  He listened like the kind and wise man that he is, and gave me the rite.  He said some prayers out of the book, and anointed my hands and my head with oil.  After it was over I thanked him and left.

Did I feel different?  Honestly, no.  I figured it was a passing thing; another sacrament I could mark off the list.  I still felt depressed.  I was still filled with dread that my engagement was going to end.  I went home from my trip not knowing what to expect.  It was only then that I really came to know the power of this sacrament.

My fiance blindsided me with a two-by-four style hit.  He broke up with me out of the blue after assuring me of his love and that everything was fine.  I was so shocked that I didn't cry.  I was living on the edge of a surge of anxiety and adrenaline for months.  I couldn't sleep, eat, or relax.  My life was constant tears and a drive for survival that rivaled The Fugitive or Rocky.

I didn't see the miracle in all of this until so much later.  Over the course of my journey into the Catholic Church, I ditched a lot of unhealthy habits and thought patterns that weren't serving me and were making me miserable.  I started on a journey to healthy thinking and dealing with stress and anger in much better ways than I'd done for years.  The great part is this: instead of collapsing into despondency like I'd done before when awful things happened, I held onto Jesus.  I clung to the Church as my lifeboat.  I wanted nothing more than to get away from this awful person who did this and be with healthier people who loved me and didn't want to harm me.  Coming from a cycle of abuse in my relationships with men, this was huge.  Something major had changed in me.  I think it had a lot to do with this Anointing of the Sick.

Who knows what might have happened if I didn't come to Jesus in this way?
We will never know.  But it is clear to me that nothing harmful came out of receiving this sacrament.  I needed Jesus in an ever-increasing way, and I was so happy to be near Him however I could.  Like my patron saint, Amelia of Temse, I was determined to cling to Jesus with broken arms, even when a man tried to drag me away from Him.

So I encourage you to pray about this Sacrament.  If you need healing and it's serious, ask your priest!  I know some priests are more willing to do this than others, but it can't hurt to ask.  Jesus wants to comfort you and unite with you in your suffering.  The Church is there for you.  Take advantage of the incredible grace we have offered to us in her sacraments.  I fully believe that my trauma would have been much worse if I hadn't done this.  God indeed works in mysterious ways.