Buckling Down

When I got up today, the sun was streaming at a certain angle through the beaded glass front door.  This caught my eye.  This made my heart happy.  For some reason, even though it showed how dusty my entry table is, it reminded me of hope.  It reminded me of home.  It reminded me of charging on, bolstered by past victories.

The battle for accomplishment is fought in my own head and heart. I have every tool I need to proceed.  I have won a role.  I have won a body capable of performing the steps it needs.  I have worked on a voice that can sing these things.  I know how to memorize.  I know how to act.  I know rehearsal and show etiquette.  I have all the superstitions and rituals down.  Then why it is so hard to buckle down and rehearse on my own?  It's like jumping mental hurdles.

I have three things worrying me at this point in the show:

1. Spanish Rose.
I learned a different version (!?) last time I did this show.  Why do different versions of shows exist?  Quite annoying.

2. One Boy Reprise dance.  I just need to practice dancing it with the briefcase in my hand.

3. Shriners Ballet.
Oh, my.  I haven't learned the last part of it, and it's a dance with me and 6 non-dancer men.  I just need a lot of rehearsal for this, and I'm not going to get it.  My fault.  Mea culpa.

I'm the one who said it would be fine to go out of town a week before tech week.  No big deal, right?

Yep!


Hope, heart, and hard work.  Here we go!
I'm muscling through these lines and these songs and dances.  Someone's gotta do it and that someone is me.

The moon so bright

I am home in Texas.

I feel off.  I feel off balance.  I feel off kilter.

Usually I know what is wrong and know how to fix it.
This time it doesn't seem like I know where I'm heading.  I just feel like I might be about to crash into some dark wall.

I need peace in a bad way.  I need to rebalance myself, in a literal way and a spiritual one.  I need to know where I'm going.  I need to know who is on my team.

It seems like the world is spinning so fast.  I've neglected "me" for 2 years.  I need to find myself again.  I need to find my path.  My track.  My clan.  I need Amy back.  I'm hanging off the edge of the cliff here, watching the world spin around me.  Going so fast, going like crazy.  Politics and religion and wars and words.  And hate, always hate.

I've been an escapist as long as I remember.  Even now I spend hours on Tumblr looking at pictures of forests and fairies and castles.  Add some ambient space music into that and I'm happy for an evening.  It's how I get away.  I hope to find myself in there somewhere.

My real self is hidden in Christ.  I need to find Him.

One of the best choices I ever made was to join 24 Hour Fitness with my mom back when I was in college.  It seriously has changed my life, going from someone overweight and out of shape to now being certified as a fitness instructor, and someone who loves working out.

Traveling between Utah and Texas makes it hard to fall into a class routine, so I wanted a place to lay out my plans.  Don't mind me.

(Can you tell I miss daily, mundane style blogging?)

Monday:

Options:
Close club:
Zumba at 9:30 am
Bodypump at 12:00 pm
Bodypump at 6:30 pm

Club 2:
Step at 9:15 am
Yoga at 10:15 am
Bodypump at 6 pm
Zumba at 7 pm

Club 3:
Bodypump at 6:00 pm
Yoga at 7:00 pm
U-Jam at 8:00

I'm honestly leaning toward doing Bodypump here close at noon, then driving out to Club 3 at 8 for U-Jam.  I'm a U-Jam instructor, not currently teaching yet, and just LOVE the class and the great workout it gives me.

Here's to working out on Monday!

2016

New Year!

May we meet adversity with hope
May we meet opportunity without fear!


I need to find some traction.  My heart is caught up with Jesus, but my feet are barely touching the ground.  I want to run!  I want to run to Him and with Him!  Through the wild fields and brambles and forests, I want to run on.

Life updates:
I've been in Texas for two months, singing at my church.  My beautiful St. Laurence.

In `12 days I return to Utah.  2 weeks after that I travel to Arizona to do a film.  I'm looking forward to it, but the old fears remain.

After that, who knows?  I really want to go up to NYC to the Strawhat Auditions to see if I can get a summer stock job for the summer, somewhere in the country.  Not that I want to run away, but I really want to be working on something this summer.  It's one of the largest Non-Equity auditions of the year.

It would cost airfare, and I hope I could find someone to stay with in New York.  I have several friends there.

Lead on, Jesus.

Be an honest people

On my heart today: If you want your group to be taken seriously, with intellectual honesty and people discussing what you ACTUALLY said instead of some sound bite being taken out of context and used against you, then you MUST stand up for others when you see the same thing being done to them. I don't agree with Muslim theology, or LDS theology, or most Liberals, but it's not fair for me to take what they say and run with it so that it's not what they really mean. Going to the extreme with something isn't honest. I hope to stand up for honesty, even if I disagree with what is being said. It's so very hard in this day and age to find out what is actually happening in the world instead of what the reporters/pundits/Facebook Memes/blah blah blah want you to hear. Find the source before you hit SHARE. Read. Think. Pray. Maybe that article that says "POPE DECLARES THERE IS NO GOD!" might need some more research before you share it with your friends who might be more naive than you. Take a tip from Fox Mulder on the X-Files: The Truth Is Out There. Don't be lazy. Go find it.

Christians need to be the last honest people standing.  We have to fight for it.  It's not enough to sit back and look at cute drawings of Precious Moments with Bible verses printed on them. We live in a tough world that takes the truth and twists it, cuts it up, decorates it, dips it in glitter and then sells it to you for a hefty profit.  Don't let it happen.  

Be honest.  Demand honesty from others.  But be kind. 

Thinking vs. Feeling

I was looking at Jungian personality descriptors tonight, and contemplating the difference between T and F (Thinking and Feeling) I am most definitely a T. My mom asked the difference and I thought for a minute, and I gave this example: "Someone posts on FB that his kid fell and hit her head and is in the hospital with a concussion. All of the comments are things like 'Oh my! Oh no!! Poor little one!! Prayers going up! Oh goodness' etc. etc. MY first thought (and sometimes comment) is "What exactly happened? Why did this happen? Give me details of the situation!" And people probably think I'm a heartless jerk, but it's really just how my brain processes information for decision making. It's not that I'm not compassionate, it's that the things which caught my attention are the technical horrors of a child falling and hurting herself, not people's feelings or reactions to it. It's like I wanna clear away all the emotional fluff and get to the important things so something can be done." Maybe my psychology oriented friends can shed some light on this.

Dreaming

There are certain times of year I associate with stillness, quietude, and dreaming...

November, January and February are those times.

Maybe it's because it's the darkest part of the year.

October is about action.  My birthday is in October.  It's always been a month of happiness and excitement for me.

December is candle-lit.  It's Advent.  It's the holy time...the Nativity.  The wonder of the birth of the Christ child, and the virgin Theotokos cradling Him in her arms. It's angels singing.  It's light.

January is dark.  It's still.  In January we walk a knife edge between delight and depression.  Snow blankets much of the area.  The light fades almost as quickly as it comes.  It's a time of stillness, yet fire in our hearts.  Everything slows.  I love it, but I struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder to a degree.  I have to use a therapy light to stimulate my brain into happiness.  But sometimes the beauty of the cold grey backdrop overtakes me and I fall into a dreamy sort of state...watching black and white movies that echo the images outside.  Or reading real books by the fire.  Or burning candle after candle while listening to Ambient music.  I love it.

February is a tease...she is a month whose crowning day is a day of love, but it's often drowned out by people belly-aching about having no love. The same stillness, but it seems the wind begins to pick up and move forward toward the Spring time.



I am open to these times of dreams.  Now we are in November, just before Advent.  There is much to be done.  There is a time for everything...for work and for rest.

Oh God, don't let me waste it.