New Demo Reel

As I put this together I realize how much my acting as indeed grown over the past year.  It might feel like I haven't done a ton of things or had all the opportunities that I wanted, but I really have done some nice things.  I heard an important casting director say that they are relying more and more on demo reels to cast people...so I hopped to it and updated mine.  Here it is.

May fruit be ever budding.

Behind the scenes

Much of my professional life is determined without me, behind closed doors, with people I don't know and haven't met, talking openly about people and passing around pictures with resumes stapled to the back.

Things we are afraid to say in the polite world, such as "her nose is so large that it's unsettling", "her hips are too big for my taste", "I like this one because...I don't know.  There's just something about her eyes"  are freely thrown around, here.  They trade in pictures like kids used to trade baseball cards.  I'm sure they used to know but have long forgotten all the emotions pinned to those choices...fears, hopes, "this is my dream role", "I'm getting too old to play this part", people who just had a breakup, people who will move away if they don't get this role, etc.

But they don't know.

They know they like the curvature of someone's chin.  Or that she's 10 lbs lighter than the next one.  Or they really prefer brown hair today.

Who knows?  All of this goes on in a back room somewhere.  I'm not privy to it. No wonder actors suffer such neurosis, often battling insecurity with bravado.  One director felt the need to write me a letter and tell me I suffered from "overt self-depreciation".  Did he know my life was falling apart?  That my parents had just split up, I was doing poorly in college, gained so much weight and under so much stressed that I stopped menstruating?  Was this letter supposed to be helpful?

I hope he didn't realize this.

And I know one thing, I'm glad I'm not privy to whatever goes on in back room casting.  I know who I am and I don't need to know director's opinions.  Why?  Because opinions don't matter?  They most certainly do.  Every time I've been cast it's been due to someone's opinion.  But I don't need to wear their opinions like a poncho.  Because for everyone who thinks you are God's gift to acting, there are 20 who really don't like your voice.  Or your hair.  Or your body.  Or they have a girlfriend/niece/wife/mistress who fits the part more than you.  Or doesn't.  But you get my point.

Everything God plans is decided in a back room, it seems.  I'm not privy to it.  I can't bargain with him.  I didn't ask to end up where I am.  I'm sure a lot of my horrible decisions have added to it, but it seems like he orchestrates my life somehow.  Don't ask me how.  I don't know.  But He does.

Can't we trust Him?  I don't trust casting directors really...too subjective.  But God?  Doesn't he have the best planned for me?

I know I'm not a picture and resume to God.  He has entirely too much invested.  Maybe I just need to be quiet and let him work.  Even if it's in a back room; I'll eventually find out.

And it'll be amazing.

Suscipe (prayer for tonight)

Suscipe (St. Ignatius of Loyola)

Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty,
my memory, my understanding
and my entire will,
All I have and call my own.

You have given all to me.
To you, Lord, I return it.

Everything is yours; do with it what you will.
Give me only your love and your grace.
That is enough for me.

Thank you, Fr. Jacob.

Thoughts on being in a show

I guess I haven't posted about the show I'm in.  It's Oklahoma! and I'm in the chorus.

I cried when I got the call.
Who wouldn't?  I mean this has always been my dream, and I've been steadily plodding along for a solid year here in Utah and offered nothing at this point.  Zero.  Zilch.  When your identity is built up in one thing and then that thing goes away, you really have to face your identity.  Big time.  Like looking at yourself naked in a mirror under really unforgiving lights.

So I looked around on stage on opening night in a moment where I wasn't dancing.  I did it.  I freaking did it. I grabbed myself by my own waistband and pulled myself up.  I know that doesn't seem like a lot to most people.  And even if it's only dancing in the chorus of Oklahoma!, it's something.  It's better than crying after 50+ auditions.  It's better than looking back at the list of leads I've played.

And the best thing is it's good for perspective.

I miss home so much.  Seriously...so much.  My gypsy heart is not settled.  Who knows where I'll end up or what will happen.  I'm so glad that Jesus and other loves are portable if we don't get too attached to places, or things, or people.

This isn't to sound arrogant, but I am glad I did this.  I'm glad I proved to myself that I could do it.  It shouldn't have been so hard, but for some reason it was.  I didn't give up, and I succeeded.  And I'll carry that with me the rest of my life.

I know now that I can do it.

The ruinous internet mob

Whose life will the internet band together and try to ruin, today? People! We are ALL sinners...really, truly, seriously! Not all of us are celebrities, it's true! But before you condemn and jump on a "this person's life deserves to be ruined because they did X" bandwagon, just pause and think for a moment: what if YOUR life were found out...all your secrets out in the open, and exposed? Think about how quickly your world would unravel. Maybe just use that thought to temper how you sift through the online mob mentality that rules our society today. We ALL need compassion because none of us can be proud of everything we do.

Tribes

My days have been quite hectic, and my nights full of dreamless sleep.

I know nothing of the length of my days.  I know nothing of the length of days allotted for my country, and I fear that in my country we are in a stupor where we imagine our days go on forever.

Call me a radical.  It's a badge of honor nowadays.  It seems like one by one, in increasingly rapid succession, our freedoms and values are coming under attack. When I say "our", I'm talking about my tribes.  Tribes is a term I've seen used lately.  I wish we didn't need terms like this, but it seems we do.  Tribes seem to be people whose interests and values we identify with.  People with whom we belong.

I first and foremost am a follower of Jesus Christ.
He has this giant banner over me, a banner of love.  I am His.  I am marked for eternity by him, bought and paid for, under the wings of my great physician and good shepherd.  When you speak of the Christians, you speak of me, even though many Christians do stupid things I'd rather not identify with.

I also identify in part with the Southern Baptists, because of my history, and my growing up years.  I have a soft spot in my heart for them.
But the tribe I flock to more is the liturgical churches.  Lord bless them.  I'll get it sorted out someday.

I am a Texan.
We are different than some of the Southern states, as we were once our own country.  We entered the Union voluntarily as a sovereign nation, and it's written into our constitution that we can leave (not that they'd let us).   I'm all about the Alamo, Sam Houston, Dallas, The Rangers, and the Cowboys.  Yehaww.

I am a Southerner.
I am a Southerner.  I think like a Southerner.  I am the great great granddaughter of a Confederate soldier.  We aren't all "America or die".  We feel like we should maintain some healthy resistance to the federal government.  We don't always trust them.  I think that's okay.  I'm happy with this.  I love the long summer humid nights full of mosquitos, fireflies,and the sound of locusts back home.  I love the drawl I hear when people speak.  Bad grammar and hot headed thinking makes me bristle, but I love the people of the South overall.

I will not apologize for who I am, downplay that I love where I'm from.  I miss it when I'm away.  I'm loyal to my heritage, rebels and all.

I am an American.
America has a great place in the world.  We have been a shining hope and example of liberty to a great many people.  Nothing represents this better than our role in World War Two.  I miss that America.  I fear for us, daily.  We are far too lackadaisical in the comfort of our own freedom.  We won't be around forever, at least not in a recognizable form.

I am a Singer.
I see my life as a connective variety of songs.  I identify with music.  I think about diction and tone.  I have a hard time enjoying church if the music is bad.  I just see life different than those who aren't musical, and it grows increasingly obvious in ways it didn't used to be.  Sound is important to me.

I am a libertarian.
Kinda.  I mean, I am, but I have strong feelings about such things as abortion.  I think people should be free to do what they wish, but it stops at harming another person.  That is the case with abortion.  Killing your own children shouldn't be legal.  I also struggle with things like "gay marriage".  I think it shouldn't be the government's place to legitimize it...but I also think it's morally wrong.  So I think it should be legal, but in a way where the government is out of it completely.  I'm still forming my political beliefs, and politics weary me.


These are just a few tribes that I have.  There are many more.  We all need a place to belong, and people with whom to identify.  What are some of your tribes?

Quote by General Patrick Cleburne, prophet.

If the South lost the War of Between the States:  “It means that the history of this heroic struggle will be written by the enemy. That our youth will be trained by Northern school teachers; will learn from Northern school books their version of the war; will be impressed by all of the influences of History and Education to regard our gallant debt as traitors and our maimed veterans as fit subjects for derision.”