Suscipe (prayer for tonight)

Suscipe (St. Ignatius of Loyola)

Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty,
my memory, my understanding
and my entire will,
All I have and call my own.

You have given all to me.
To you, Lord, I return it.

Everything is yours; do with it what you will.
Give me only your love and your grace.
That is enough for me.

Thank you, Fr. Jacob.

Thoughts on being in a show

I guess I haven't posted about the show I'm in.  It's Oklahoma! and I'm in the chorus.

I cried when I got the call.
Who wouldn't?  I mean this has always been my dream, and I've been steadily plodding along for a solid year here in Utah and offered nothing at this point.  Zero.  Zilch.  When your identity is built up in one thing and then that thing goes away, you really have to face your identity.  Big time.  Like looking at yourself naked in a mirror under really unforgiving lights.

So I looked around on stage on opening night in a moment where I wasn't dancing.  I did it.  I freaking did it. I grabbed myself by my own waistband and pulled myself up.  I know that doesn't seem like a lot to most people.  And even if it's only dancing in the chorus of Oklahoma!, it's something.  It's better than crying after 50+ auditions.  It's better than looking back at the list of leads I've played.

And the best thing is it's good for perspective.

I miss home so much.  Seriously...so much.  My gypsy heart is not settled.  Who knows where I'll end up or what will happen.  I'm so glad that Jesus and other loves are portable if we don't get too attached to places, or things, or people.

This isn't to sound arrogant, but I am glad I did this.  I'm glad I proved to myself that I could do it.  It shouldn't have been so hard, but for some reason it was.  I didn't give up, and I succeeded.  And I'll carry that with me the rest of my life.

I know now that I can do it.

The ruinous internet mob

Whose life will the internet band together and try to ruin, today? People! We are ALL sinners...really, truly, seriously! Not all of us are celebrities, it's true! But before you condemn and jump on a "this person's life deserves to be ruined because they did X" bandwagon, just pause and think for a moment: what if YOUR life were found out...all your secrets out in the open, and exposed? Think about how quickly your world would unravel. Maybe just use that thought to temper how you sift through the online mob mentality that rules our society today. We ALL need compassion because none of us can be proud of everything we do.

Tribes

My days have been quite hectic, and my nights full of dreamless sleep.

I know nothing of the length of my days.  I know nothing of the length of days allotted for my country, and I fear that in my country we are in a stupor where we imagine our days go on forever.

Call me a radical.  It's a badge of honor nowadays.  It seems like one by one, in increasingly rapid succession, our freedoms and values are coming under attack. When I say "our", I'm talking about my tribes.  Tribes is a term I've seen used lately.  I wish we didn't need terms like this, but it seems we do.  Tribes seem to be people whose interests and values we identify with.  People with whom we belong.

I first and foremost am a follower of Jesus Christ.
He has this giant banner over me, a banner of love.  I am His.  I am marked for eternity by him, bought and paid for, under the wings of my great physician and good shepherd.  When you speak of the Christians, you speak of me, even though many Christians do stupid things I'd rather not identify with.

I also identify in part with the Southern Baptists, because of my history, and my growing up years.  I have a soft spot in my heart for them.
But the tribe I flock to more is the liturgical churches.  Lord bless them.  I'll get it sorted out someday.

I am a Texan.
We are different than some of the Southern states, as we were once our own country.  We entered the Union voluntarily as a sovereign nation, and it's written into our constitution that we can leave (not that they'd let us).   I'm all about the Alamo, Sam Houston, Dallas, The Rangers, and the Cowboys.  Yehaww.

I am a Southerner.
I am a Southerner.  I think like a Southerner.  I am the great great granddaughter of a Confederate soldier.  We aren't all "America or die".  We feel like we should maintain some healthy resistance to the federal government.  We don't always trust them.  I think that's okay.  I'm happy with this.  I love the long summer humid nights full of mosquitos, fireflies,and the sound of locusts back home.  I love the drawl I hear when people speak.  Bad grammar and hot headed thinking makes me bristle, but I love the people of the South overall.

I will not apologize for who I am, downplay that I love where I'm from.  I miss it when I'm away.  I'm loyal to my heritage, rebels and all.

I am an American.
America has a great place in the world.  We have been a shining hope and example of liberty to a great many people.  Nothing represents this better than our role in World War Two.  I miss that America.  I fear for us, daily.  We are far too lackadaisical in the comfort of our own freedom.  We won't be around forever, at least not in a recognizable form.

I am a Singer.
I see my life as a connective variety of songs.  I identify with music.  I think about diction and tone.  I have a hard time enjoying church if the music is bad.  I just see life different than those who aren't musical, and it grows increasingly obvious in ways it didn't used to be.  Sound is important to me.

I am a libertarian.
Kinda.  I mean, I am, but I have strong feelings about such things as abortion.  I think people should be free to do what they wish, but it stops at harming another person.  That is the case with abortion.  Killing your own children shouldn't be legal.  I also struggle with things like "gay marriage".  I think it shouldn't be the government's place to legitimize it...but I also think it's morally wrong.  So I think it should be legal, but in a way where the government is out of it completely.  I'm still forming my political beliefs, and politics weary me.


These are just a few tribes that I have.  There are many more.  We all need a place to belong, and people with whom to identify.  What are some of your tribes?

Quote by General Patrick Cleburne, prophet.

If the South lost the War of Between the States:  “It means that the history of this heroic struggle will be written by the enemy. That our youth will be trained by Northern school teachers; will learn from Northern school books their version of the war; will be impressed by all of the influences of History and Education to regard our gallant debt as traitors and our maimed veterans as fit subjects for derision.” 

What I learned at U-Jam Instructor Training

Hello everyone!

It's been a great week.  I've had so much going on that I haven't taken the time to write.  God is adding so much to my life, and it's in the little twists and turns that I never really expect that I see him moving the most.  It's *never* like I thought it was going to be.

This past weekend I got to fulfill a long term goal: I did the training to become a U-Jam instructor.  If you've never heard of U-Jam, you probably have seen people at the gym in classes, dancing their little tookuses off, sweating and smiling and burning about a million calories.  The person up at the front is who I am training to be.  My life has been freakishly changed by this type of class, and U-Jam in particular.  U-Jam is a fitness dance class using world beats, so it's got hip-hop, Latin, Reggae, jazz, top 40...pretty much anything awesome and current.  I wear a heart rate monitor in class and I usually burn between 500 and 700 calories.  Not bad for an hour of fun!

To be honest, I was dreading this training.  I am now almost 100% sure that everyone has the same doubts and worries as I do concerning his own limits and fears.  "Will I be good enough?" "Will anyone want to come to my classes?" "Will I know what to say?"  "Do I have the talent?"  Sound familiar?  Those questions go across the board to all humans.  Self doubt is pretty rampant, if we are honest, and there are personally many things I've talked myself out of doing in my life because I thought I wasn't good enough.  Yikes!

Well, this wasn't one of those times!

For two days we sweated our butts off, smiled, learned how to cue and pump up a class, worked on swag, talked about fitness, had amazing laughs and just kept going till we were done!  I'm so glad I did this and I'm so glad that I am one step close to teaching.

I've got another hurdle to jump: my video assessment, and I'll be doing that soon.  Until then I can bask in the glow of the fellowship and purpose I've found doing something I love.  It really is ok to take a chance.

Good Friday

If Good Friday feels "not good", it's because of the Deep Magic. This is where things work backwards. How could the Son of God dying be a good thing? How could the only sinless person being punished for sin be good? The giver of Life retreating into Death and being defeated seem like a loss for everyone. They seem like a whole lot of BAD. So how could this be good? Sometimes God works in the exact opposite way that it seems like He should. There are a lot of backwards things in the world, and today is only the beginning. I am free and pardoned, therefore I call this day Good.